Classic-Al

How To Be Serious

2011-05-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

So since I've taken up studying comedy and doing improv every day (it feels like, not true. But then again isn't everything improv? Right now me typing these words is in fact improvisational. I feel like I am taking you-the reader, along for a journey of what the hell will she say next... you don't know and it scares you...Improv!), I feel that I don't do enough genuinely serious tasks in my life.

So last week I decided to see a serious documentary in the Hot Docs Film Festival, entitled You've Been Trumped.
Ironically the movie's title kept confusing my friend and I who went to see it. Every time the title was spoken to us we kept thinking we in fact had been fooled and the show was sold out (it happened three times. It's a confusing title!).

Anyways, the movie (talkie) was about the bully that it Donald Trump. Mr. Trump wants to and is currently building a giant golf course on one of the world's last dune eco-systems. Also people live there. People full out live there and Trump's all, "The houses on this property are disgusting slums, these people are a shame to Scotland".
Dickish, yes, but I feel that the people of this land should not take his slander too personally; because whether you are an eighty-three year old Scottish farmer or President of the United States, Trump will speak this way to you. Therefore one does not have to feel it is a personal attack (unless he destroys your house and the land you live on, then I guess take it personally).

The worst part of the film is how unapologetic Trump is in his actions towards the townspeople. He even had a television special on GolfTV, proudly voicing his opinions on how ugly one man's home was and that the parking lot of his giant hotel is a much better option.

After all this seriousness I think I'm going to write a sketch about this movie. It has funny potential. Hence why I can't be serious longer than ninety minutes. But I'm trying, I'm trying.

Thanks for reading!

It's a very serious trailer

How To Review: Gossip Girl

2011-05-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

So my blog has become a Gossip Girl review site because it seems to be the only time I write. But in my defence this week's episode was so good, I can't even call this show a guilty pleasure anymore. Just a pleasure pleasure (Like Justin Timberlake).

However before I continue with my review I have to let you all know that for the past three weeks every time I sit down to watch Gossip Girl the centipede that lives in my basement comes out. I assume to watch the show. He's a little late in the season but is quite the dedicated viewer. As a viewing companion he adds external tension to the show by scaring the shit out of me. The fear this creature instills in me really forces me to only stare at the t.v and become truly enraptured in whatever storyline is unfolding (unless it has to do with Nate or Serena's brother, only a hypnotist could do that).

The reason I believe this to be one of the better episodes is that Chuck was all up in this episode. I'm trying not to be biased but Chuck centred episodes are better, just because ok!

Plus Chuck's hilarious Uncle Jack(Desmond Harrington, Dexter's Joey Quinn) came back to mess with him. Uncle Jack is the man! His sole purpose for being on the show is to fuck up Chuck's life. It's great.
He also had the best line of the night with,
"I'm starving and all you have in your fridge (Chuck's) is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms"
The best part of the line was the placement of it in the scene. While the Thorpe character was literally begging for his life, Uncle Jack kept interrupting with how hungry he was. It sounds psychopathic but it was quirky and dare I say intentionally funny.

Last night's episode was the Gossip Girl I have been missing. The legitimately funny, well casted Gossip Girl. It felt like second season all over again with Blair not wanting and wanting Chuck. Plus history was made where Chuck slightly smiled.

And in a slightly interesting turn of events Serena's storyline with her useless cousin has gone all Single White Female.
Though this is a new idea for the show (not in general, in fact the exact same storyline happened with the Annie character in 90210) (Btw, I don't watch that show...anymore...often) it has the old habit of Dan dating the crazy girl.
So now Dan's dating the cousin who wants to kill Serena, where before he dated the ex-best friend (Georgina) who wanted to kill Serena, and had a little hiatus dating his best friend Vanessa who hates/thinks Serena is soulless.
Dan you have a pattern, acknowledge it and move on (to killing Serena).

Next week is the season finale (oh sad!) and I will be posting a video blog!(A vlog if you will.)
So stay tuned and I promise I'll try not to mention Gossip Girl until September..ish, June why don't we just say June.

I want to be in the Bass family, look at how they have normal conversations!

How To Do Posts Besides Gossip GIrl Reviews

2011-05-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hey all I think I'm going to make another vow about doing my blog everyday because if I don't write everyday that means people don't visit my site everyday and then no one visits and then what's the point.

However I was looking at my blog stats (cause I'm vain) and my Bangladesh follower is back, YAY! Thanks you fine Bangladeshian I greatly appreciate the support.

So today the craziest thing ever happened with the seven year old that I take care of... No he didn't berate me, no he also didn't throw rocks at me for forty-five minutes.
What we did do was sit in silence while writing stories for half an hour.
I am literally speechless. This cites precedent, never in my four months of taking care of him have we ever thoughtfully sat nicely and quietly together. I am so grateful and also weary of what's to come on Monday because I feel that I may have hit my peak with him behaving well. I don't know how he can top it (but I definitely know how he can bottom it- telling me that he's going to tell his mom I hit him, this is what I deal with!).

So thank you crazy seven-year old for that beautiful behaviour; and thank all of you (especially those of Bangladesh viewers) for reading.

P.S I had cotton candy ice cream cake for the first time in my life today and I can feel the sugar pumping through my veins. Don't do it (but also, kind of do it).

It's the colour of a hallucination

How To Review: Gossip Girl

2011-05-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hey all. So last night's episode was a doozy. (Side note: While trying to figure out what date the season finale of Gossip Girl is on I stumbled on many, many other GG reviews. It was unsettling. But mine are better, right? RIGHT?)

Anyhow I watched the fist half of the episode with my mother, who, after twenty minutes said,
"This is just a soap opera with barbie dolls" and left.
However in Gossip Girl's defence my mom thinks everything on television (with the exception of the dearly departed Larry King Live) is a soap opera. She once called The Larry Sanders Show a soap opera. So I'm beginning to think that television shows with plots in her mind qualify as soap operas.

But at the same time I definitely understand where she's coming from, the first half of the episode sucked. It had weird lighting, was musicless, and Serena and Nate acted in it.
However the second half was ridic!
(Personal note: Vanessa stop reading. I give away everything that's Chuck related. But don't worry no mention of any other storyline, because, well I just don't care.)

First of all Chuck had a beard and was literally drunk the entire episode! It was magical .
Sadly he shaved the fuzz when he went to go fight for Blair. Unfortunately whilst he was shaving he forgot to get sober and just pissed Blair right off.
He also tried to rape Blair in the last two minutes of the show. It was intense, and a classic Chuck move. The attempted-rape count for this character has now reached three.
Man alive Chuck, I love you, you know I do, but rape is never the answer, no matter what.

Now Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco and Chuck seems suicidal.
There are just two episodes left, how will Chuck and Blair get back together? (It's like a math problem for sad single girls)
Well from my many hours of marathoning Gossip Girl I think I know exactly how it will go down.

Classic-Al's Estimation of How the Last Two Minutes of The Gossip Girl Season Four Finale Will Go Down

Setting:
The entire episode is going to try really hard to make you believe that Blair is married to the Prince and moving to Paris.
It's also going to try to make you think that Chuck is either: dead, slutting it up, or that he hates Blair.

Then in the last two minutes this song will come on (please play simultaneously with the below dialogue)

Blair will run to find Chuck (because Chuck doesn't come to you, you go to Chuck) who is about to get on his private jet.

BLAIR: Chuck! (in a high pitched voice about to crack from sadness)

CHUCK: Blair? (In the raspy whisper of a scotch drinking jaguar)

BLAIR: Where are you going?

CHUCK: To my private country, Chuckatoria Bassland. I thought you married the prince?

BLAIR: I couldn't do it. Your Chuck Bass and I love you.

CHUCK: I am Chuck Bass, and I l..lo...l.. I can't say it.

BLAIR: I left royalty for you! Just say it dammit!

CHUCK: I love you.

Then this song will play

So just two more weeks until the finale!!!
And just two more Gossip Girl Reviews, which are you sadder about?
Thanks for reading!

Al's Views 12

2011-05-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

OMG I have not written an Al's Views in weeks. Well first off, I have many views, I'm just too scattered to put them all down.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Uh-oh this is going to be an Al's Views about the election tomorrow", well no it's not because I don't know who to vote for and do you remember that show Uh-Oh? Best YTV show by far.
Now when I think back on that show it seems to me to be an excuse to just humiliate and beat young children. Every challenge was disgusting and painful looking, but the kids were really into it.

I am sure when that show was being pitched to YTV there must have been one person in that room saying,

"Now wait a minute guys; we're going to go to schools, get groups of children to do painful and degrading acts, not pay them and the children will literally be begging to go on this show. I don't know about this."

Well all I can say is that guy must have been fired because the kids in my class were suicidal about getting on that show. I remember the grade ahead of mine got to be audience members and the anger that was had in my class that day.

But like I have said time and time again, kids are nuts. There used to be a game that let you make your own candy that was shaped like insects. My friend had it. It was disgusting, but boy was I jealous.

Now kids are all hopped up on Wii and Net Flix and iPad.
I miss the simpler times of The Game of Life and watching your friend on Uh-Oh getting just destroyed by a bowl of spaghetti in grape jelly.

Thanks for reading!

I really wanted the t-shirt version of this. Badly!

How To Write One Hundred Posts!

2011-04-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Say word, this is my one hundredth post. This is very exciting for me. I don't think I've ever stuck with anything for one hundred times...Now I'm sad.
Anyways, to celebrate this momentous occasion I will do a top ten list of my favourite posts from the past six months.

10. E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over.
My very first post. The one that started it all. The whole reason why I started this blog was because my sister had gotten a job with the website e-how.com. She told me I should write a "How To" article, and get paid. This post was what I wrote. Samantha then informed me that the website would never accept this as a legitimate how to. Then her friend Stephanie told me I should write a blog instead for no money, and the rest is history.

9. How To Keep Up With A Blog.
I like this one because it was the first time I admitted that I never keep up with my blog. The best part about this post was I then did not write another post until more than a month later.

8. Al's Views.
Ah, the original Al's Views. This one's a goody because I delved into the psyche of being a child. Most of it was little violent episodes. Hmm, this worries me.

7. How To Be Lazy.
I like this one because it really fleshes out the theme of this entire blog. A blog about "How To Do...Something", but I have not actually researched or tried to attempt anything.

6. How To Babysit.
This is the first time that I ever mentioned the kid I babysit for. He takes up an annoyingly large part of my life for only seeing him for two to three hours a day.
Update: Yesterday he indirectly called me a nag.

5. How To Host A Talk Show.
This was a good idea, I really should get on this one.

4. How To Review: Gossip Girl.
The first of many to come. I like this one because it's mostly dedicated to my man Chuck Bass. Plus I posted a video of him just saying his name for four minutes. One day I'm going to write a post on "How To Get Over Chuck Bass", but I don't see that happening anytime soon, because yesterday I found this video on YouTube.

HOW CUTE IS HE?!

3. How To Be Quiet.

I like this post because it explores something that confounds me, quiet people. I should write my PhD on this subject...if I hadn't wasted my prime school years going to Theatre School, but I could still go university, I hope.

2. How To Form An Opinion.

I like this one because apparently it's controversial. I'm not a Scientologist, but the term has been coined is that I am a "Scientologist Sympathizer". Either way, the post was actually about me not wanting the Scientology centre to send me mail anymore...Ok! Just stop sending me mail.

1. How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo.

This one is a fan favourite, and I literally am a Scrub. You don't get an opportunity to really discover who you are all the time, unless you listen to early 2000's R&B/Pop.

Thanks for reading!

How To Review: Gossip Girl

2011-04-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

Heeeeeeyyyy Allll, I am in a hyper mood right now so please deal with how ridiculously girly and non sensical this post will be!
But let me get the whole, "Sorry I keep skipping days thing" out. I'm finding it hard to find computer time these days so just bear with me. And keep on checking. A new post will come, I promise.

Ok so now for my favourite post of the week, my review on my one and only Gossip Girl.
Ahh, and once again not a fan of this week's episode.
If I was reviewing the second season every post would be, "Best episode ever!", but fourth season, not so much.

On last night's episode it took FIFTEEN MINUTES before Chuck Bass even showed his face. And they made it ever so suspenseful, hiding his face in the shadows.
Fortunately his first line was in response to Nate saying, "Single malt scotch, first thing in the morning?" and Chuck saying hilariously, "It takes the edge off the coke." So that was worth the wait, I think.

Other than that awesome entrance, I could tell the episode was going to bad news when Chuck agreed to go with the Reina character (Acck new characters please get off the show now) to find her mom in freaking New Jersey.
Once Chuck crossed that Lincoln Tunnel I knew he would be in a storyline that I did not give a shit about.

The rest of the episode was Blair being stupid and getting Dan to stage a relationship with her so that her real relationship with the French Prince would be under wraps.
She was being so silly pretending to like Dan, when apparently Dan really likes Blair...and Serena... and Serena's cousin Charlie (Acck new characters please get off the show now).

You know who Dan doesn't like, Vanessa. He made it very clear this episode. However Dan's sooo judgemental of Vanessa telling on him (about the Blair kiss) to Serena, but has no issue with maybe sleeping with Serena's cousin or best friend.

Dan you remind me of this boy I was best friends with in grade three, Seamus (Pronounced Shamus. Name changed to protect identity).
Seamus was always my best friend until Rowan (Name also changed. Also I'm in a Keltic sort of mood.) showed the slightest of interest. Then it was like I didn't exist.
But all of a sudden by the next recess, you were hanging out with me again as if nothing happened. Damn you Seamus! And damn you Dan! And Vanessa we need to have an intervention.

Dear Vanessa,

You have wicked hair and was wearing a really interesting looking jacket on last night's episode. Not sure if I liked it. I think I did. I think I did.
Anyways, tell Dan Humphrey to fuck off. You live in NYC, you go to NYU, and you are pretty. Make new friends and leave him.
Besides, his new curly-que hairstyle is getting dangerously close to a Jerry-Curl/80's Brit Pop.
So to reiterate- Forget about Dan and I did like your coat.

P.S I know Dan's dad is married to Serena's mom but I feel like there was some definite chemistry between you two in the second season. I'm just saying, if you liked Dan... Hook it up!

Sincerely,
Classic-Al

Oh and here's my little bitchy aside:
Blake Lively- you're gorgeous, in every scene you look like a super model, but OMFG girl please emote when you act. No matter what is happening to you in any situation you have the same breathy response. Just add one other emotion. Thanks.

And Nate, once again like I ask every week, just do something. Thanks.

And thanks for reading!! xoxo.

THIS, PLUS...

THIS, EQUALS...

THIS.

How To Not Go To Church

2011-04-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

My mom is guilting me to go to church, woah I just have to stop myself right there and realize this has been a very religious centred week blog-wise.

Like always, I blame society. Easter marketing has gotten out of control. I feel like no other year the ads have been this intense. Every two seconds there's a commercial about the Easter Bunny, and the comics in The Toronto Star all week have been Easterly (Yes I only read two things in the paper, the entertainment section and the comics. What's happening in Libya? I don't know. Is Benicio Del Toro the baby daddy to Rod Stewarts grand-baby? Yes!!).

Plus there's that cartoon out, Hop, that has DA BEST Russell Brand in it.

I love Russell Brand, which is apparently not a common belief. He's so delightfully British and I enjoy when he says that without fame his tight pants and big hair would be viewed as mental illness. And Arthur was so funny. I say yes, support Russell Brand. The boys in my improv troupe are either jealous or stupid. Fine they're not stupid, they're very, very nice. I just think everyone should read his books and be amazed by the fact that he is alive and healthy looking after all that heroin.

Anyways, I don't want to go to church. Wah! But the guilt I will be put through will be too much to handle. The reason why I don't like church is because I feel I haven't progressed from the age of four. I get all fidgety and I just cannot pay attention to anything. Oh shoot I'll probably have to go. Oh man!

Happy Easter. Thanks for reading.

He's funny

How To... Damn I Did It Again!

2011-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

So I was all like, "Oh sorry I took a week off so sorry never forget to post again", and I did. Oops . If I had a nickel for every time I claimed I was going to always write and then forget to write I'd have twenty cents. Which would be the most I have ever been paid for my writing. Does someone want to pay me? Wait, no I will not be needy. Besides I have a job where I get abused by a seven year old.

Ok so I have just been interrupted by my sister claiming that I should remove the sentence in my previous post that said,
"I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist."
Because people will think that I am a Scientologist because people only half-read on the internet.
I AM NOT A SCIENTOLOGIST, ok Sam!!
But I guess if people are only half reading then they will not have gotten to this point in the post so it's a moo point (A cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. Love you Joey Tribianni).

Besides the whole point of me writing that post was that I had spent time at the Scientology centre because they offered a program called the Purification Rundown. I did not want to be one of those people who defames Scientology without actually meeting and talking with people who are Scientologists. I'm not just writing stuff to get my opinion across, I'm writing stuff because they happened to me and I'm apparently not talented enough to write about imaginary things.
I really dislike when people are on their high horse about certain religions, beliefs, without actually experiencing or at the very least studying the issue (and not by reading Paul Haggis' article).

Besides, the creators of South Park wrote an entire musical on Mormonism and no one is calling them Mormons, Sam!

I never studied the works of L.Ron Hubbard. Quite frankly I'm not a religious person, so if thousands of years of Catholicism has not permeated my beliefs, some guy in a desert sixty years ago, isn't going to get me all excited about the notion.

So to reiterate, I am not a Scientologist, and can someone pay me.

Thanks for reading.

My opinion matters too!

How To Form An Opinion

2011-04-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today is anything goes Wednesday (the only day I seem to truly adhere to in my self-imposed rules), I like it because I can write anything. I feel free on Wednesdays. When most people feel shackled by their mid-week obligations (work, school etc) I sit on my computer and muse about what has just occurred to me.

Like right now the mail just came, and I got a letter from The Church of Scientology. Now some of you may be thinking, "Junk mail", but no. My shameful/not at all shamed secret is...
I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist.

Ok now here's the back story; I got a serious allergic reaction to antibiotics (because my immune system is a dandelion) and the Scientology centre had a program where you can go and sweat out toxins.
Look I'm not going to get into details but it helped. However it was truly the craziest experience I have ever lived through.
I met Chernobyl survivors, born-again Christians who were now born-again Scientologists, ex-cocaine addicts (the detox helped so much that the cartilage in his nose regenerated) and a thirteen year old kid who was a part of something called The Sea Org. Now this is where Scientology gets CARAZAY!!!

So L. Ron Hubbard believes that if children make up their mind about what they want to be when they grow up, they can be it. It does not matter the age.
So by his logic I would now be a bat. Yes when I was a kid I sincerely wanted to be a bat when I grew up (I don't know why, but I thought it was a possibility. Where did you think bats came from?).
So basically if a kid decides at five-years old he wants to be a life long Scientologist, bam, he could be one literally forever.
You actually become indebted to Scientology because they pay for everything for you; food, housing, clothes, etc. However here's the evil catch, let's say at sixteen you want to leave because maybe you've lost your faith, you have to pay Scientology back all the money they have spent on you. Plus they make sure it's really hard for you to leave because they make you live on a ship.

Scary, yes. Are they making a child army like Paul Haggis suggests, I don't think so.

Here's where my post is going to get a little bit controversial. All religions have a CARAZAY side to them. Maybe not in the financial sense of Scientology, but religions from the beginning of time have used children to get their message across.
And it's not like Scientology is recruiting these children. Most of them have parents or family members that are devout Scientologists (that or they were serious drug addicts who Scientology has put through their version or rehab).
So think about it, if you are a religious person chances are it is because of your parents are religious. And the people who turn to Scientology are people who were destined to turn to some sort of organization.
If it wasn't Scientology then maybe it would be Mormonism, Christianity or Fruitarianism (but those Fruitarians are fucking nuts!).

But it is very good that Paul Haggis is speaking out about the injustices. But once upon a time, he too needed something to believe in and Scientology was there for him. Would he have won an oscar without them? Not that the ends justify the means (like at all!). But it makes you think where would he be career wise without them?
Hey man those Scientologists hold clout. When I was doing the detox I had a chance to meet John Travolta (but I didn't and regret it ok. I love you Danny Zuko!).

So one can't really grind their teeth and curse L.Ron because then they got to do it to everyone (I'm talking to you Buddha, I know behind that chillaxical exterior there's a bunch of children on a boat somewhere mopping decks for you!).

However my true belief is Scientology is SO NOT a religion. It's a theory, a philosophy if you will.
But that's besides the point because the people who chose to worship at the feet of L. Ron, just have the need to worship at the feet of something or someone.

But back to the mail. Scientology STOP SENDING ME MAIL!!!@!!!!WEBQKE F@BF JBA CJWGW
It's a damn waste of paper, plastic, DVDs and my sanity.

Thanks for reading.

Hi my name is Alessandra Vite, I used to be a human being. So basically believe in your dreams!

How To Be Back Baby!!

2011-04-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

I took a week off. It won't happen again...anytime soon.

Alls I knows is break's over, I wanna write my review on the newest episode of Gossip Girl!
That's right, after two months it is finally back on the air.
I was so freaking excited for this episode because it promised Blair and Chuck drama (or Chair as someone has coined their relationship name. Ha, Chair. I feel like no matter who I date I will never be able to have a cool combined nick-name like that. What combines with Alessandra? What if I date a guy named Felix... Felissandra? Terrible, it sounds like someone is feeling the name Alessandra).

Anyways the episode totally disappointed.
Now I don't want to be the kind of person that is all self righteous about how a T.V show's plot line should go according to my personal beliefs. I hate that shit.
Seeing reviews on movies and T.V shows always gets me down because most of the time I disagree with the reviewer (DAMN YOU OUZOUNIAN!) And people are so petty. But I have my reasons why I didn't like this episode and they aren't petty.

Well actually, why don't I get the petty issues out of the way.
Ummm, Chuck was in the episode for like ten minutes. As Tim Gunn says, "This worries me." I keep reading articles that Ed Westwick is wanting out of the show, same with Blake Lively.
Plus they keep adding new characters, like Serena's useless cousin, and when they start adding characters that's when the good actors start leaving.
Example: The O.C. All of a sudden out of nowhere Marissa has a younger sister. Then bam, Marissa dies.
Example: The Fresh Prince of Bel-air. All of a sudden cousin Nicky is born and bam, a year later the Fresh Prince dies! (Or ends after six seasons, same difference.)

I'm starting to realize that I only like GG because of Chuck and occasionally Blair. I just want Gossip Girl to end in a nice way, not go down the Grey's Anatomy path.

Anyways now the actual episode. Nothing really happened except setting up that Serena has a poor cousin (Oh no, not poor!). So she buys her clothes and turns her against her mother within two hours of meeting.
Serena, you're acting crazy but because you have nice hair everyone's on your side.

Blair realized she wanted to be with Chuck not Dan. But Chuck was all intense and rude (classic Chuck) so Blair called him a child (that was very good) and Dan was all, "Oh the kiss didn't mean anything to me, unless it meant something to you Blair?...Oh it didn't. I guess I'll pine after Serena again. Vanessa? Why do you still exist?"

Then at the very end of the episode Blair's Parisian fling (who's an actual prince) comes to New York to marry her (he had her high heel shoe that she left for him and everything!).

Oh and there's some storyline with Nate, but... I just don't care. Nate be interesting!

So now I have to watch next weeks episode, obvi. Or I could just watch the coming attractions because those "Next Week on Gossip Girl", promos are very exciting.

But just like Gossip Girl, I'm back so thanks for reading. Next time when I take a break, I'll let you know. All nine of you. But you nine are the best!

How suspenseful!

How To Name A Book

2011-04-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I often think of titles for books in my head that I will never write.
Every time I hear a good line or a deep song title I think that could be the name for my memoir.
Here is a list of titles of memoirs I will probably never write...or will I?

Don't Cry Out Loud: The Alessandra Vite Story
-I thought of this one a long time ago. I also have names for the beginning of each chapter.
Chapter 1: Just Keep It Inside
Chapter 2: Learn How To Hide Your Feelings
Chapter 10: Fly High And Proud
Final Chapter: And If You Should Fall, Remember You Almost Made It

But Where Did The Ham Come From? Rants From An Over The Hill Babysitter
-I came up with this one today after the kid I took care of had a piece of ham in his pocket.

Send In The Clowns: Alessandra Vite, Love Story
-Send In The Clowns has been a long time theme in my life. I don't feel like explaining it now, OK!

Stick A Fork In It I'm Done!

And now I'm done.

Thanks for reading!

And this will be the cover of EVERY SINGLE book I'll write

How To Decide: Would You Rather.. Again?

2011-04-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I have just been asked the question would you kill a completely innocent man if you knew his death would end world hunger?
I guess so. But would I get charged with murder? How guilty would I feel because I killed someone? Now I feel guilty because my feelings are more important than starving children. FINE I'll kill him. Jesus.

Second question I was asked was; would you rather live the life you have now as is, or, choose to live for twenty-five years starting now, knowing that every minute of everyday of that life will be lived in extreme happiness?
Well, I'd take the twenty-five happiness filled years, but then again is my life so sad that I don't wanna live it out?
Well I guess if I combined the two questions together I could solve world hunger and be happy for twenty-five years. Alright would you rather, defeated!

What would you rather?

Thanks for reading.

Twenty-five years of this, say word!

Al's Views 11

2011-04-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

Oh my god I was almost about to go to sleep when I realized I was going to miss out writing Al's Views!

I was lying in my bed trying to sleep because I'm tired (obvi) but the image of Rufus Wainwright slowly walking across a stage silently, in a giant, glittery cape kept flashing through my mind.
Now I know you're all thinking, "Whaa?", but there's a backstory.

A few months ago I saw Rufus Wainwright in concert with my friends Tanya and Kat. Tanya had never been to a concert before in her life.
I, having been to many concerts, acting like a veteren kept saying, "Oh concerts are the best, they're not like theatre. You can drink, arrive late. Anything goes at a concert".
Well anything did not go. We get there with two minutes to spare and there are two large signs saying, "Latecomers will not be allowed in", and "No food or drink inside".
I turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually is".

Then when we get inside, someone comes on stage explaining that the first half of the concert will be a song cycle where the audience is forbidden to clap.
I then turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually goes. And it was definitely not how a concert usually went.

Rufus comes on stage in dead silence with a twenty-foot cape trailing behind him. And the cape glittered (in case you didn't know RW is gay, the cape subtly let you know).
He walked to the piano for at least four minutes, but by thirty seconds I was punching my leg in order to stop myself from bursting into laughter. I eventually laughed into my purse. It was just so uncomfortably strange.
The song cycle then commenced where not a single word was audible and some songs were in French. So basically if one was supposed to get the story of the cycle, it wasn't happening.
The only song you could make out the words to, was one where he kept saying, "Martha pick up the phone, Maaaaarrrrrttttha, pick up the phone".
His sister's name is Martha and I guess she isn't good at answering her cell.
Plus there was a projection behind him of a single eye in black make-up slowly opening and closing. Then there was the same black eye, but multiples of it, various sizes all over the screen. It was two parts unpleasent with a sprig of ridiculously boring.

Then the second half of the concert was a regular music concert with applause and everything. I just have to take Tanya to a regular concert where we can drink, applaud, laugh and enjoy ourselves.

But now as I try to get to sleep, Rufus is ever so slowly walking across my mind's eye.


This must be the rehearsal cape, cause the one I saw sparkled.

And this was the eye.

How To Be Clumsy

2011-04-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm clumsy. It's not even an opinion, it's a fact. I think it has to do with my constant need to touch things and not care about how I handle them.

Example: There was a time from age 8 to 15 where every time I would touch something in my friends room I'd break it. I don't know how, it was inevitable. The only reason why things don't break now is because I consciously do not touch anything.

You should see how I cook. I'm a good cook, but people are physically scared to be near me. When I cut garlic I had a friend close her eyes. It's why I believe I won't be hired at a restaurant (right? But how do they know from just my resume?).

Tonight after work I came home after a day of carrying a twenty pound baby and my clumsiness is unstoppable.
I can barely type and in ten minutes I have dropped- my bike key, a pen four times, my cell phone (this happens daily so doesn't really count), my date book, and my will to live.

I think I'll stop typing before the computer ends up in two pieces.

Thanks for reading!

Play this

With this on mute

How To Cry

2011-04-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

I was looking at my blog statistics and they are as confusing as they do suck.
The stats tell me I've only had one page view in the past week, thirteen in the month overall, and I lost my follower from Bangladesh! What gives? I love the Bangladeshian people.
They come from a sovereign state in South Asia. It's also the eighth most populous country in the world. Not one person out of the entire densely populated nation can spend his or her time reading my little blog?! What changed? Do you not like Chuck Bass?

I know it's not classy to complain but I'm complaining. Besides no one is reading so I can write anything I want fence warmer.
Well with this welcoming and entertaining post I assume everyone's going to get on the
Classic-Al/Amazing Bastard's bandwagon, right?

Whenever I get down on myself I think of all the positives in my life. I have a computer. I have a blog (oh wait these are the negatives I can't do nothin' right!).

Just tell people about the blog or I'll threaten you with another post like this.
And Belgium, I like your people too, so I think you'd like my blog.
It's better than a Prime Minister's address from Yves Leterme, am I right?(That ought to get me at least half a Belgian and or a Beligian enthusiast).
Thanks for reading.

"Love me, love me!" Classic Yves, am I right?

How To...OMG Amazing

2011-04-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

So I was wasting time before I had to go somewhere and I stumbled upon the GREATEST website ever. It's the Wu-Tang Name Generato r. All you do is enter your name and it tells you what your
Wu-Tang Clan name would be.
So my names are:
Alessandra- Mighty Warrior (meh)
Alessandra Vite- Amazing Bastard (OMG BEST NAME EVER!)
Classic-Al- Wacko Beggar (Apt, I think).

Then I started putting in my family's names because I was having too much fun.
Their names are:
Samantha Vite- Wicked Beggar (Biter!)
Vanessa Vite- Amateur Prophet (I'm jealous)
Marcello Vite- Phantom Watcher (This frightens me)
Mary Vite- Smilin' Commander (Positive, I like)

Turns out this is how Donald Glover, actor on Community now legit-ish rapper got his rap name, Childish Gambino (THIS is an example of how funny he is).
I really should have consulted this website before I named my blog.
Have as much fun with this as I have!
Peace out!
-Wacko Beggar (AKA Amazing Bastard)

Childish Gambino!

How To Make It Up

2011-04-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like writing, so instead everything I type is a song.
Making it musical, won't make the task seem so long.

I like my blog, but sometimes I hate my computer.
Oh my god, how am I supposed to rhyme with computer?

If I had my way, I could think about it and my blog would be posted,
I have to eat dinner, I hope the bread is toasted.

Na na na na na na, na na na na na.

I'm gonna get some socks on, because my feet are cold.
I thought it was springtime, but Toronto weather is making me bold.

I have a day off tomorrow, I'll probably just chill.
That's because when I work I don't get paid in bill....s.

Na na na na na na na, na na na na na.

Thanks for reading my inner thoughts,
You guys are cool like astronauts!

Na na na na na na. Na na na na NA!!

Pretend this is me singing, na na na na na.

How To Count

2011-04-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sleepy. I've been out since 10 AM, it's now 11 PM, so that's a big day for me.
Since I wrote such a long post yesterday and included a full episode of The Cosby Show, I'll leave you with this:
Tonight I was in an improv class where the word whore was used nine times in different ways and in different scenes. I've written about this in the past, but apparently it is now an epidemic.
Just quit it ok, it's not that funny (except this one guy was playing a dinosaur in a scene and said, "I once dated a velociraptor, she was a whore", that was funny. But he was an extremely skilled improvisor who said many other funny lines).
Rambling on about your "whore mother", not so funny.
Why this word bothers me, not so sure. Maybe because it is specifically made to make women's sexual choices wrong and shameful.
Plus what the hell am I supposed to do in a scene when someone calls me a whore? Where does that scene go? Tell me, because I have to deal with this often.
Anyways, sorry for being such a downer, but made you think, ehhh!

Thanks for reading!

This was the first image that came up when I googled "whore", it's apt I think.

Al's Views 10

2011-04-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Hey all. I woke up this morning at 7:30 AM, to do a workout at 8 AM. I have joined my sister's personal trainer friend's Spring Workout Group (I was invited to do so on Facebook).

I was very excited and terrified to workout that early on a Sunday, but I have worked out earlier (not to brag or anything).
Once when I was desperately trying to get a part-time job in mid-November (turns out I'm unhirable, who knew? Well the entire retail workforce did, but that's besides the point), I got a job interivew at Lululemon.
The happy, perky, tall girls of Lululemon informed me that the interview would be in two parts. The first part would be a hour long spinning class. The second part would be the actual interview. Oh and by the by, the class starts at 6:30 AM so then you can get your workout out of the way first thing, isn't that clever?
This job interview combined the two things I truly hate: job interviews and being judged while exercising.
Needless to say I went, at 6:30 in the morning (technically 6:15 because you had to sign up for the class before hand), and did a hour long spinning class.
Oh, and I didn't get the job. I blame my height. The two girls interviewing me were impossibly tall.

So an eight AM workout didn't seem too daunting.
However the night before I went to bed with a full tummy. This is a no-no for me usually just out of principle but last night I discovered that it's a practical rule too.
If you are anything like me you watched The Cosby Show growing up (Sidenote: His name on the show is Cliff Huxtable. Why is it called The Cosby Show, it should be called, The Huxtable Show!). There was one episode that really stayed with me, and that was the one where Cliff ate junk food before going to bed and he had nightmares all night.
Well whoever wrote that episode is writing it based on fact. I had crazy nightmares all night long. One of them included me owning a bull dog that moved in slow motion yet still killed my cat and repeatedly bit me. I could feel the bites!
Another dream had my legs feel super heavy and I couldn't move away from the gathering darkness, it was spooky!

But I still woke up, did the workout and vowed to never eat before bed.
Thanks for reading.

Now please enjoy the entire episode of "Cliff's Nightmare"

How To Decide: Would You Rather..?

2011-04-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

Like I've mentioned before I love the game, "Would You Rather". I remember I had a book on it when I was a kid it was called "Would You Rather?" (inventive title) by John Burningham. On the cover there was a little boy riding a scooter with a pig.
Not really sure what that has to do with choosing between one thing or another, but I guess if that image is answering a question, the question would be,
"Would you rather ride on a scooter with a pig or a turkey?"
Obviously the answer would have to be a pig, because turkeys are ugly.
Also, have you ever seen a turkey vulture? It'll haunt your dreams.
Once, a little girl I was taking care of made me look at a book of Ontario's raptors. She kept trying to get me to agree with her that the turkey vulture was cute. I know she was six but I just couldn't do it. It felt morally wrong.

Today I thought I would answer the questions that were posed on the back of the book (because that's all amazon.com let's you see).

First WYR: Would you rather drink snail squash or eat mashed worms?
Hmm, I just don't know what kind of situation I would be in where these would be necessary options. I know my true and tried "Would You Rather" (kissing a goat or killing it humanely) is a situation that I swear to god could happen.
But snail or worm mush? I guess snail's, because I've willingly eaten snails (escargots), and worms remind me of grade seven science (the smell of formaldehyde is imprinted on my sinuses forever!).

Second WYR: Would you rather help a witch make stew or tickle a monkey? Um, this is a no brainer, obviously tickle a monkey!
How delightful would that be making a monkey laugh? I wouldn't even have to be forced to do this one.
If there was a monkey in my house right now, I assure you I would be tickling it.

Thanks for reading!

I freaking loved this book. It has informed most of my adult life.

OH DEAR GOD!

How To Have A Tummy Ache

2011-04-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a day long tummy ache. My sister Samantha hates when I use the word tummy. Every time I say, "Oh my tummy is full", she always asks, "Your what is full?" and then I respond, "Tummy". Then I rub it.
Sam thinks this is a word only children should use but I feel that my stomach is more of a tummy than a stomach. Stomach is such a technical, sterile kind of word. But tummy is warm, and you can really visualize the food inside of it being all warm and happy. I mean I understand that it seems childish but I enjoy tummy. Plus I never have to wonder if the word tummy ends in an E (stomach and potato, I just can never be sure if they need an E).

But as I was in pain, I decided to not be bored and began to watch this T.V show Pushing Daisies.
This show is delightful. I remember when it was originally on and everyone was telling me to watch it but, meh, it looked too Tim Burtonish for my liking. But it's not (and it is), it's sort of like Babe without the pig.

The way PD is like Babe, is both deal with unsavoury subject matters (farm animal death, human death, pining for someone you can't touch or else she'll die), in the most adorable way possible.
There's a delightful narrator (unfortunately not three mice), bright coulours and random musical moments that are sweet and appropriate (not contrived, yes last night's Grey's Anatomy episode I'm talking to you! And don't get me started on how much you ripped off the musical episode of Scrubs. Haven't you taken enough from Scrubs?)
And just in case you're not already sold (which I feel like twenty percent of my readership is, but the rest I'll never get to watch a show like this), Pushing Daisies has just the cutest boy ever (Lee Pace, who fortunately does not look like a baby pig) He seems like an affable bloke.

Pushing Daises is the tummy equivalent of a T.V show. I definitely recommend if you are under the weather.

Thanks for reading! (I hope ABC pays me for this post, I'm still waiting on cheques from Gossip Girl,
Jon Hamm, Chuck Bass, and Javier Bardem)

Don't you just wanna pinch this show?!

How To Say Happy Birthday

2011-03-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

Bonjour! Today is my bff/blog contributer Krystyna K's 23rd birthday so just wanna shout out HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Some great "How To's" Krystyna has brought us are:
"How To Make Tulips Grow Straight" and
"How To Respond To Someone Who Has Told You They Have Seen God".
Thanks for all your contributions and friendship. Krystyna K you put the "kuh" sound in "Kuhlassic-Al".

So yesterday I couldn't get to the computer because I was at the hospital all day.
My father as some of you may know is a super hypochondriac (yes if he was a super hero hypochondria would be his power, and dressing like a lesbian gym teacher would be his costume).
I like to call him the old Italian man who cried wolf, or lupo if you will.
Unfortunately yesterday the wolf came. He's fine now but he did have two blockages in his arteries so they had to perform a procedure on him.

I am dumbfounded. This is a man who exercises every day (and makes you feel guilty if you don't), doesn't eat fatty foods, doesn't drink, and doesn't smoke. How does he get blockages?
This is all very worrisome to me. I exercise but I counteract that work with candy, and drinking like every other human being I know.
I fear that I may have a heartattack.
And all that fear I had about my father has travelled it's way back to me. But that's how it goes, right? Because isn't that why people truly hate hospitals? Hospitals are terrible for many reasons, but the whole time you're thinking either, "Good thing I'm not sick", or "Ahh, I don't want to be sick". You immediately draw the attention right back to yourself. You see someone with a cold, what's your first reaction? If you're nice probably, "Oh poor guy", but if you're like ninety percent of the population you're thinking, "Oh don't get me sick".

We're a selfish population, but I'm not judging. I'm crazy time selfish.
I have a blog where I put my thoughts and then essentially force people to read them.
Since school ended I haven't read a book that has enhanced my learning in anyway, because I don't do things I don't want to do anymore (it was my one out of school rule).
Last year I read Nietzsche and "Crime and Punishment". This year I've read Tim Gunn's "Book of Style" and not one but both of Russel Brand's "Booky Wooks".

I guess what I'm trying to say is yay dad's ok, yay it's Krystyna's B-day and yay I'm selfish (well not yay, but I needed it to be symmetrical sentence. Sadly, the selfish word killed the rhyme but that's how selfish rolls, it don't got time for a ABA rhyming scheme).

Anyways thanks for reading!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

How To Remember

2011-03-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my Nonna's (grandmother) passing. So I'm not really in a light "How To" sort of mood.
So here is a song I like right now with a setting that I think goes well with the song. Please play at the same time. Miss you Nonna!
See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading

Al's Views 9

2011-03-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Ola. I'm in a not Toronto state of mind.
I keep viewing foreign films so that I can imagine for an hour, or so, that I don't live the saddest looking place in Canada (yah that's right I said it Southern Ontario, not a scenic area. Disagree? Go North on Bathurst way past Steels). However I keep being disappointed.

I saw Biutiful which was set in Barcelona, great film, not very scenic though. It shows all the places you wouldn't want to go in Spain. It's like The Vice Guide To Travel: Barcelona Edition, if there was one. Example: If you ever wonder where the sweat shops are in Barcelona, you get a tour of them in this movie (isn't it funny that movie is the word we use for films. It's the equivalent of saying talkie. I think I'm gonna bring back that term, talkie. Oh boy what a talkie I saw last night! Yeah, I like it).

Then last night I went to see a talkie called Certified Copy. I knew nothing of it except that The Toronto Star gave it four stars, Juliet Binoche won a Best Actress award at Cannes, and it is set in Tuscany. Plus they speak French, English and Italian. I was very excited.

Ever since I visited Italy last year, I'm all about seeing it on film. The cool thing about Italian scenery is that it does not need exaggeration. You know how sometimes you see things on film and then in real life it's quite underwhelming. Well Italy is the opposite. You can't begin to show how breath-taking amazingly stupid pretty it all is on film. Movies/talkies capture very limited views of Italia, in comparison. But are still worth-while, apparently.

So I was all up for this film/talkie, until it started. I do not know what movie/talkie the reviewer and everyone at Cannes was watching but it was so pretentiously unwatchable.
There were only two actors in it and the man character was poo. It took a while to understand how bad he was because he was speaking various languages throughout so I thought maybe it was a character choice to be a bad actor but no, he was just poo.
I don't want to judge (but I will and I do, often) but you'd think at the age of fifty plus you would get better as an actor by default, you know experience etc, but not this guy. I do not want to know what he was like acting-wise at twenty.
The worst part was all the camera shots were tight so you couldn't see the background, which the characters made constant reference to. The scene that I walked out on was the two actors discussing the beauty of a sculpture in front of them, but the movie only showed the feet of the art. Ack. This was after an hour of this kind of torture so I left. I usually stay to the end of movies but nerts to that.

So I am going to try one more talkie tonight. I rented something called Late August- Early September. It's French, it has the guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and it BEST be showing some good scenery (and romance, I want to be swept away dammit!), or else I guess I'm going to have to leave the country. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading!

You better be worth it!

How To Not Spell

2011-03-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

So I have made reference to this before but I cannot spell. I have said many times that society is to blame. But I'm not here to play the blame game. I'm here to write a list of words I cannot spell and see if it makes a poem, kind of like that magnetic poetry thing.

List of Words I Cannot Spell
Recommend
Answer
Malcolm
Unconsciously
Confetti
Suicide
Psychology
Psycho
Psychiatrist
Psychic
Teriyaki
Irkutsk
Residual
Inconvenient
Pieces
Pisces

There are definitely more but I think this is enough for an ample poem. Now I will pick words at random by shutting my eyes and pointing at the screen.

Buddy Can You Spell A Dime

An original poem by Alessandra Vite

Pisces answer psychiatrist.

Pieces confetti psycho suicide.

Residual inconvenient teriyaki, Irkutsk

Psychic Malcolm unconsciously recommend psychology.

This has been an original poem by Alessandra Vite
Thanks for reading!

This is my poetic alter-ego: Alessandra Vite

How To Be Manipulative (In A Good Way-ish)

2011-03-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

So today I tricked the kid I babysit into doing his homework. I told him that if he wrote half a page of his journal entry, I would write a page and a half on my fingernails in the same amount of time.

He said it couldn't be done. Little does he know I blog about insignificant things everyday. So I can write a page and a half about anything whether it be nails or eyelashes (which will be my next trick in getting him to do his spelling).

However the kid always always gets a leg up because as we were in the middle of this "bet", he made another wager causing me to pay him a dollar a day for the next week.

I don't know how he did this.

Anyways here is a manifesto on my fingernails.

Fingernails

I don't really understand why I always bite my nails. I get expensive manicures to correct this habit but I end up biting them unconsciously.
Isn't it weird how you do things without realizing that you have done them. No other animal in the world does this. You never see seagulls mindlessly plucking out their feather. You don't see flies gnawing on their wings.
It's unsettling that I have this habit at all. If you really break it down it is literally a filthy habit. Throughout the day I touch everything from scratching the back of my ear to unconsciously (once again) scratching off a bottle's label.
I am a serious fidgeter. Even as I write this I have an urge to tear at the little bits of paper sticking off the sides of the page. Actually nothing would give me more pleasure than to tear out each page of this notebook methodically into small, little pieces. Like confetti. If human beings had that job I would be an unbelievably happy confetti maker.
However back to nail biting. It's a vicious cycle because I bite my nails to calm myself, but seeing my mangled digits stresses me to no end.
Well I don't get completely stressed, I have a life. A life that revolves around fingernails.
So I won't abuse my nails by biting them. I'll treat them with the utmost respect. My fingernails- it's a love and hate thing.

This is what the kid wrote at the same time

Pillow Fighting

I like to play pillow fighting. I usually play with Malcolm and Ethan.
We play everyman for himself.
I always win because I have the best pillow and the best moves.
When we pillow fight we say, "Are you cussing with me?!"

I have pillow fought with the boy and both his moves and pillow are sweet. And I do cuss wit' him!

Thanks for reading!

What do you think is harder to write about?

How To Lift A Weight Off Your Shoulders

2011-03-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

I did it! No didn't pass my G1, nope didn't get an acting job, nope haven't started looking into other job possibilities, I cleaned my closet.

Last month I was complaining about how my closet was a disaster (my clothes looked like debris from a plane crash), but I didn't want to clean it because cleaning it would mean I'd have to put up a pole so I could hang my clothes and that would mean I'd have to measure my closet, buy a pole, empty out my closet, place the pole and then put my closet all back together again. This seemed like waaay too complicated a task.
So I began to ignore my room. I was literally living in bedroom denial. I would only make my bed and make sure no clothes were on the ground. Other than that I would completely neglect the desk and closet area, which was slowly turning Grey Gardensesque.

Anyways, today I was given an unexpected day off so I had no choice but to just deal with it.
And I did.
It took three hours.
I hated every minute of it.
I don't recommend this.
However it does feel nice to see my clean hanging closet where I have access to my clothes. But now I have awakened an avalanche. I have to continue cleaning my room. I need to clear out my bookshelf and empty out my desk. This is one very tiny room. I do not want to know what my house will be like.

I think I'll become a Buddhist and not believe in things. Then I'll never have to clean again. Well stay tuned for my next entry of "How To Be Buddhist", it's gonna be a goody (If I still have my computer).

Thanks for reading!

I wish my closet had this much room!

How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo?

2011-03-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Hello. I love the "Would You Rather" game. I have spent hours of my childhood/most of my adult life playing this game.
My usual go-to for this game is, "Would you rather kiss a goat? And I mean kiss a goat. Get all up in that goat's face! Or humanely kill it?" People hate answering this question because we all know the answer. And just for the sake of discreetness the answer lies in my jerk flavoured meal last night that I ate without guilt or making out with a goat.
But this "Would You Rather" is brought to you by Anisa K (miss you mon amis!).

All right all you mid-nineties R&B girl group lovin' ladies (and three boys), it's time to figure out the age old question of who would you rather date, a Scrub or a Bug-a-boo.

So definition time:

A Scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly and is also known as a Buster, always talkin about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.
The term was coined by either T-Boz, Chili, or Lisa (Left-Eye) Lopez (I like how Left-Eye gets a last name. Makes her more real, also R.I.P).

A Bug-a-boo is a little more complicated. He's the type of guy that makes you wanna throw your pager out the window, tell MCI to cut the phone calls, break my lease so I can move, you're buggin' me and can't you see that ain't cool.
This term was coined by Beyonce (There's just no way that the other four had anything to do with it).

So I guess you have a choice to make, do you want a man that does too much or one that does nothing at all.
Now in my opinion a take charge kind of guy makes me feel lazy. Scrubs seem more my speed. In fact me and Scrubs have a lot in common.

Things Scrubs and I have in common:
He hangs out the passenger side of his best friend's ride.
I do that! I can't drive a car and after failing my G1 this week (By one ok! Don't judge), I assume I never will.
If you live at home wit' yo momma, oh yes Scrub I'm talkin to you.
I do live at home with my momma! In fact she's sitting on the couch right now trying to understand what I'm writing about, and she doesn't.
Actually I'm starting to think this post has a limited fan-base but I'm pretty this entire blog is limited. It's written by a Scrub after all!
[Sidenote: Maybe Classic-Al should take that clear NZT pill from that film Limitless and make my blog into just having potential into fulfilling potential... I'd be Limitless! Also I think the film's real title should be Potential {say it in a whisper}]

Wanna get with me with no money.
I don't really wanna get with you, but I do have no money!
Wow, I'm a Scrub. But I ain't alone. There's so many of us that a song was written, so I'm in good company.

As for a Bug-a-boo, man this guy gets shit done!

Bug-a-boo Qualities
It's not hot that when in blockin' your phone number you call me from over your best friends house.
That takes two things- creativity and shamelessness. Well I'm full of shame so count me out!

And it's not hot that I can't even go out with my girlfriends
without you trackin' me down.
This also takes two things- Sherlock Holmes like skills and driving ability. Score one for the Scrubs again!

So in the game of "Would you rather", I'll take a Scrub please.
Who would you rather?

Thanks for reading!

How To Be Confused

2011-03-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that I wrote yesterday's post thinking it was Tuesday. Therefore proving that I don't know what day it is if Gossip Girl isn't on. Oh god. I am actually grateful that it's on hiatus until mid-April because this addiction has gotten out of hand (Making me forget what day of the week it is, I blame Chuck Bass' sneer)....(Oh I could never blame Chuck, I'm so sorry).
Since yesterday became Tuesday's entry then today can be Wednesday's "Anything Goes" and Wednesday can be "Requests". Then I swear I'll get my own rules right for next week.

I think my iPod is trying to commit murder-suicide. First, the headphones keep ever so slightly electrocuting me. When it first began, I thought my ear was doing something funny, but today there were full out sparks.
You'd think the first time you get shocked by headphones you'd stop using them, but they're my only pair. Plus I know I'm never going to remember to pick up another pair. It's like these jeans I bought a month ago; everyday I say I'll get them hemmed, and every day they sit on my desk ten inches too long just mocking me. So I'll keep the headphones for now.
Also I think I'm beginning to figure out when the shocks are going to happen. The last two times it was during two different Alicia Keys songs. So along with Gossip Girl, I'm boycotting Alicia Keys (but I'm not really boycotting GG, I just miss it so much I'm acting like it broke up with me).
The reason why I think it's a murder-suicide is because one morning out of the blue, the screen broke. I have no recollection of smashing the screen and also I hung up my coat in a safe non-droppable closet. There is no reason for this to have happened except the reason of my iPod wanting out of its life.

Sorry for the reflection, my computer screen is so big and bright, it could light up most of Western Europe

Well that ain't gonna happen! iPod, I got something to tell you, that I'll write in poem form.
Oh pod, oh pod. DO NOT BREAK ON ME!
For I have just discovered youtubetomp3.com and it's made life so lovely.
So get over your depression,
You were bought because there is no recession,
And you make me ever so happy!

So as long as the broken glass doesn't cut my hand, and the earphones don't kill me via electrocution, I'll stand by my iPod (Plus I started carrying a wooden spoon, so next Alicia Keys song that comes on all I gotta do is bite down hard on that bad boy!).

Thanks for reading!

I'd never blame you Chuck, just be new episodes again!

How To Babysit IV

2011-03-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

So today was ok with the kid. Since last week was March break I hadn't seen him since Wednesday and he said that he forgot my name. That was sweet. He then asked if he could call me, "Random Citizen." I then told him, "Only if I can call you jerk seven-year old." He then got upset at me for swearing.

He had a friend come over for a little bit and these two kids could not stop talking about their private parts. It was weird. Every other word out of their mouths were, "Don't kick me in the private parts" or, "I'm gonna kick you in the private parts". It was really weird, and kind of funny how they would use both words, private parts, every time.
I asked them to stop talking like that because it really unsettled me, but this just caused them to scream it. I know you're thinking, "Use reverse psychology and then they'll stop", but I think it's equally unsettling to tell them that I like when they speak in that manner. Ewww, even just typing that gave me chills.

Anyways, in positive news I figured out how to cook something that the kid will actually eat.
This is my recipe for his favourite rice dish.

Chinesie Rice (He calls it that. I'm on the fence about it being racist or not. I guess it's not. Or is it? Is it racist for thinking that it's racist. I'm not racist. I swear!)

-Microwave for two mintues a bag of Uncle Ben's Minute rice (Now doesn't that sound so healthy, microwaving a soft plastic bag with pre-cooked rice in it. But of course if I were to make him normal rice he'd complain, believe me).
-Put a crap load of soy sauce in it.
-Put a crap load of oil in it.
-Put a touch of teriyaki sauce in it.
All done!
So he doesn't like it when I spend hours making homemade bolognese sauce or pizza, but he does like it when I microwave rice in a bag. It's like cooking for the royals!

Thanks for reading!

It kind of looks like this but it's pitch black from the amount of soy sauce. Mmm, enjoy!

Al's Views 8

2011-03-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Hey all this is a very special Al's Views because it's the eighth one, and my lucky number is eight (I'm born March 8, 1988; so I literally own this number. I have a contract).
Anyways so I have had not one but two requests on what to write about. So I'm going to save one for Thursday, because Thursday's my request day (just reminding y'all), and one I will discuss now.

My friend Krystyna sent me this email:
I have a question for Classic-Al,
So im sitting at a table in the library. This guy asks if he can sit at the table. Not a problem there is lots of room. So we are working quietly away. Then, he asks me if I believe in god. This guy doesn't look like a lunatic FYI. I'm like I dont really know, blah blah blah. Then he tells me that he's seen god. And I'm like OKAY you really are a lunatic...But all I can answer is "ohhhh okay..." And then it's awkward. Anyways how do you react when someone tells you they have seen god?

Well first off I think I would ask him to define god. Then I would ask him in excruciating detail what he saw. I'd need to know everything. Was he human like? Was he a he? Was he a she? Was it Oprah? Because it might have been, and I would not fault you at all if you thought it was Oprah. I think if I saw Oprah in real life I'd tell people I have seen the "god" (of daytime TV).

Most people, I would assume, would do their best to get out of a conversation like this, but not me. As you all know I have a PhD in crazy, plus I deal with the crazies everyday (my father and ninety percent of his friends) so non-sensical conversations excite me.
In the end though, I feel like I will never be fully satisfied with his answer, because my own definition of god is something that my human being brain can and never will understand as long as I live on earth.
Some people might call that a cop out, but I think issues like god, death, and nothingness (think about it you can never think of nothing, because when you're thinking of nothing, you're still thinking about thinking about nothing... Cosmic) are just too big for this world and I like it like that.
God, to me, is more of a feeling (wrong word, but you know what I mean) than a physical thing you can see.
But in the end, this guy either has absolutley NO idea how to hit on women, or he's actually seen god. Either way, the kid needs help.

My second thing that I wanted to have a view on is the actor Javier Bardem. So I love him. He's amazing. I know i just dedicated an entire post to Jon Hamm, but this Bardem is killing me with his amazingness. Plus it's my lucky number day, and I can make this post as long as I want to!

Last week I saw him in Biutiful, and he did such an incredible performance, it was like seeing god (OMG, maybe the guy just saw Javier in Biutiful, and so he was kind of telling the truth).
No offense to Colin Firth, but Bardem was too good he should have definitely won the Oscar. However the film Biutiful is so difficult and tragic, it should be renamed Hard To Watch (Shout out to Tracy Jordan).
The second thing I saw Javier in this week was just his part in Eat, Pray, Love. I know people love to shit on this film (my mom says the only thing she remebers about the movie is Julia Roberts' mouth, and not in a good way) but the Bali part is really lovely. And Javier is too much. His accent is adorable, and he says things like " I make a good mixed tape of a the Sting" and, "Son, you cross-a the line." I love his use of "a".
So if you feel like see a really cute and pretty romantic comedy, watch the last thirty minutes of Eat, Pray, Love.
Btw, I went to a psychic this week (for fun, relax I can feel the judgement through the computer) who told me that my soulmate will be tan and of Mediterranean descent, so obviously it's going to be Javier Bardem... Right? Oh, he's married to and has a baby with Penelope Cruz. Oh also I don't know him.. Crap.

Thanks for reading

Perfect example of the cutness of Bardem

How To Take A Risk

2011-03-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight I played the board game Risk with a couple of friends. It was very
fun/insensitive/confusing/challenging/lesson-learning.

1) It was fun because at the beginning you get to pick whatever country you want to rule. I started with African and South American countries (because they have such good track records in real life right?). I also like choosing countries with nice weather. When I was forced to choose the Northern Territories I was as upset as I was imaginarily cold.
It also is fun because you can be outrageously politically inccorect and it's all good. In fact, the board game encourages it by making the continents Africa, South America and Australia worth the least amount of points.

2) It was insensitive considering that a war actually started today.
Plus I had Egypt and Japan and whenever people tried to conquer those countries I would say, "Haven't they been through enough?". My opponent didn't laugh and then took Egypt making me lose the entire continental Africa. All I know is comedy is tragedy plus time, so give it ten to twenty years and that line's a real winner!

3) It was challenging because the rules make no sense. If I didn't have two people hold my hand through every move I made I would have never been able to conquer South America and Africa (and then subsequently, lose it).

4) It was lesson-learning (yes, this is a verb to me) because it taught me not to be greedy. As soon as I would get a lot of soldiers in my dominions, I would try to take every other country around me. However taking more means less security and losing all your countries by the time it is your turn again. Just like in real life greed, in the end, gets you no where (except being temporarily rich, which totally rocks!!).
I also learned not to be cocky. Just like Wii, the Risk board knows when your bragging, so it makes you roll low numbers (it's a scientific fact, always be gracious when playing a game. The game always knows. It always knows! Haunting).
I also learned not to make an alliance with Stella (dammit Stella!).

So like in life and the board game; it may be foolish to take a risk, but then the game doesn't continue so you should probably just battle Irkutsk becasuse then no one gets Asia. God.
Ok not as succinct as I wanted it but you get the picture.

Thanks for reading!

In Risk, being sent to Siberia is a good thing.

How To Dilly Dally

2011-03-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

Dilly-dally is a funny word. I looked it up and it's a real word and everything. I think it's in my mind because I just watched that movie Country Strong I now I feel like I'm writing in a southern accent. I'm sure you're all thinkin, "Well how does one write in an accent other then their own?" well all I can say to that is watch Country Strong and then try not to have twang. Just try!

I waste time but good. I guess it goes hand in hand with being lazy and constantly in a rush to do things. Today I had lots of time to write this blog but now I'm half asleep, my bad.

Remember saying things like, "my bad" and "talk to the hand" sincerely? I did when I was in grade five. Remember "suck it"? There was a kid in my elementary school who, when he would get really upset, would spastically scream, "Suck it! Suck it!". He did the hand gestures and everything.
I feel like slang was very important when I was a kid. Like making sure I talked like my classmates. I guess it was as important in highschool too. Everyone in highschool was really into saying things like, "suss", "jam" and occasionally "rad". But "rad" was super forced. Whenever someone would use that word you know they were thinking of it before hand and was really grateful when they were able to use it in a conversation.
Example: Person A: "So if I pass my math exam I won't have to do summer school at all."
Person B: (interupting A even before A finished the sentence) "That's so rad!!!!!!"

As you can tell I really am a pro at dilly-dallying (also a legit word) because I've gone this entire post without talking about anything. And you've just been dillyed! (Not a word...yet. Start saying it in highschools, it'll catch on reall fast.)

Thanks for reading!

Words, words, words!

How To Just Accept

2011-03-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

So I guess no one has requested what I should write about today (I accept this as long as you visit the blog I'm happy), so I will say this, Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I was all into celebrating this holiday until I discovered:
1)I had made babysitting plans that night
2)Earlier on in the day, I completely forgot about the holiday.
However I was quickly reminded by the ridiculous lines outside of every pub staring at eleven AM (well every pub except for the one by St.Clair and Christie. Is it Irish, is it Russian? All I know is that scary men come of out of it at all times of the day).

Other than that I don't really have much else to write except today Mina sent me an article about how every person who works with Jon Hamm, thinks he's the greatest actor/comedian/man ever.
I don't dispute this, I like him very much (We tend to send emails to each other about actors we have liked throughout the years, but Jon Hamm has been the constant since he became amazing).
Anyways this was my response to Mina sending me the email (sorry I am just so lazy today and technically it's a holiday, so I'm working half as hard).
Enjoy:
If Hollywood is highschool, Jon Hamm is the hot jock who also happens to be on the honour roll and stars in all the school plays and is good in them, and started the improv club, and also is class president, and goes to all the parties, and is really well read, and had one of his touching short stories published in Macleans magazine at age sixteen, and you want to hate him but you can't because you sit behind him in Canadian History and he's so damn nice, charming and witty and you can full out tell that highschool isn't even his peak.
Damn you Hamm/Love you Hamm

It's like a poem, sort of.
Thanks for reading!

Jock Hamm


Sexy Hamm

Crazy Hamm. Basically, the man's got range

How To Anything Goes

2011-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hey all! Today is "Anything Goes Wednesday", my third favourite kind of a post because it is a great combo of laziness and getting shit done!
So the first part will be dedicated to my friend Shayne who hasn't ever read my blog and I told him that he should tonight. So tonight Shayne you best be reading this, and tell One-Arm Bob congrats!!

Another topic on my mind tonight is ill fitting clothing. Like I have these really nice jeans that look great on my legs but are just a little too tight in the waist, while my friend Nora has the opposite problem (waist big, legs snug. In case you were confused, because I was at first.) Plus tonight I was looking for pyjama pants and found these purple rayon/polyester garbage material that looked like they would be baggy but were shockingly tight.
That's the worst, when you go to a store and get the smaller size thinking, "Oh this shirt fits loose", but it ends up being super fitted and super unflatering.
I have such a love/hate relationship with clothing that when analysed it's pretty abusive.
Clothes are expensive, occasionally painful, hard to keep clean (specifically for me, I can stain anything, it's a gift), and never look as good as I thought it did the moment I wanted to buy it. Like this white anarak I loved in the store. Now (two days later) I think it looks like a hazmat suit.

But that's also what I love about clothes, never being fully satisfied always changing. It's poetic in a media/consumer driven world.
Thanks for reading!

See I really loved this dress, but someone said it looked like a robe and now I'm confused. Damn you perception!

How To Babysit:Part III

2011-03-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I haven't babysat that much this week. The only thing I can remember right now is that I had a two hour pillow fight with the kid yesterday, which was actually really fun. Plus we both got out all of out residuale anger at eachother so the rest of the time it was smooth sailing.
As for crazy things said to me, there were a few. First off the kid's new favourite, "I'm going to tell my mom you punched me." I tell him if he tells his mother that, he's actually going to get punched and then some. I know it's not the best form of disciplining but he started it!

Also I've decided that The Family Channel has decent programming.
iCarly is hilarious, I am not being sarcastic. I would equate it with the humour if The Big Bang Theory, but instead of joking about sex, they joke about situations- hence situation comedy.
But now that I think about it iCarly is really the only one I like. The brother is amusing, Carly's got timing and her friend is a well written character. Yah that's right, I said.
Now that I think about it, I sort of also like Hannah Montanna, but I got to be in the mood for that one. And once again the brother is hilarious on that show.

But now that I think about it again, I don't think I would seek these kiddie shows out (except for Arthur, that D.W's got cahones), but it does make the whole watching t.v with the kid a more pleasant experience.
Plus the more mature shows I watch don't really have the highest of standards (Gossip Girl obvi, and Portlandia anyone?). So these kid's shows aren't that emabrassing to enjoy, right?

Well, thanks for reading!

Just as good as a real sitcom, no?

How To Review: Not Gossip Girl Edition

2011-03-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

So once again, my GG is a no-show (I thought March was supposed to be sweeps?)
So I guess I will review what I'm watching at this moment, Sex and the City season four (just when you thought I couldn't get any girlier).
The fourth season is my favourite. It's summer time, everyone's all tan and relaxed looking, and they were rich but not glutton-crazy over done rich like in the films. Plus it has as much Aidan as it does Big so it's like the best of relationships.

There are a couple of questions I've always had about Sex and the City-

First: When Carrie writes in her column intimate details about her relationships and the relationships of those around her, don't the people care?
There is an episode when Big confronts what an asshole he was to Carrie because he read in the book that was a compilation of all of her columns. Therefore proving that the people on the show know when they're being written about. Either her boyfriends are totally confident with themselves in a relationship or I no one in her life reads her writing. Now I just feel sad because if no one reads Carrie's column, I believe it is safe to assume then really no one reads mine. Not that I have column where I get paid or anything. That would be nice. If someone wants to pay me to do this I would accept the cash. I wouldn't feel embarrassed or anything.

Second: I think Carrie's questions (in her column that come at the point in the episode when everything starts to come together/fall apart) started out really relevant but sort of deteriorated by the end.
Example
Season 1: "Can women have sex like men?" (Shocking, for the time, and slightly thought provoking)

Season 3: "Do women just want to be rescued?" (Shocking-ish, and debate worthy)

Season 5: "Is a relatioship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?" (What? I get trying to start a word trend, but, what?)

In the end I really love Sex and the City. It's the only show I could watch over and over every year since I was in grade nine, and I'm not alone in this sentiment. So no matter how silly or over the top the show can be, it's never going to be as ridiculous as Gossip Girl.

Sigh, I have no standards.

Thanks for reading!

Me Likey!

Al's Views 7

2011-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Oh so sad that I did not write on my blog yesterday. How could I have forgotten? I did nothing during the day. Well I did go grocery shopping, and took an epic nap, but that took three four hours tops. I have no excuse. The worst part is that now the number of posts won't match up with the number of days in the month. Oh well. Brush my self off and try again (shout out to Aaliyah).

It's now my favourite post of the week Al's Views.
I think it's my favourite because of how different it is from my other posts in which my views come from Alessandra. However today's views come straight from Al.
Now I know you're thinking, "She sounds drunk." But no, I was drunk (there's a difference), and now I'm very, very, very tired. So tired that it feels like I have a fever and I sometimes forget what I'm doing. I guess you could say I'm writing in the moment (This sentence took five minutes to write because I forgot what I was trying to say).
So this is all coming at you live. Or as live as writing could be. Oh my god, imagine if writing could come at you live? It would probably look like a person writing on a computer/paper and an audience reading behind his/her shoulder as it was happening. It would be the most inconvenient form of entertainment for everyone involved.

Well I'm tired now so I'm going to stop my views but I will say that I saw Zach Galifinakis' opening monologue on Saturday Night Live, and it was the greatest piece of comedy I have seen in a very long time. It was as good as I am tired (get it?). But I can't post it because I live in Canada and NBC hates Canada. So yeah. It was funny.

Thanks for reading!

Ha, Funny.

How To Be A Woman

2011-03-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

No this post is not about your first period, ok! Today just happened to be a very womanly day. In the morning I went shopping with my mom, very stereotypically womany and then at night I saw a one-woman show called Wit's End III: Love Story, by Sandra Shamas.
This play did include your first period. It was alright, not that funny. She talked a lot about menopause and learning about puberty in the 60's, so not much there for me. I also was the youngest person in the audience by like thirty-nine years. Still, I felt like I was supporting the women comedian cause.

But I figure since I am born on International Women's Day I'll muse about a few woman-like things.

Today in Shopper's Drugmart there was a brand of lip gloss called Mother-Pucker, which had the tagline "It's a scientific fact that men like fuller lips, so you shoud have fuller lips!"
There's just so many things wrong with that sentence.
First off, grammatically it just don't make no sense. And aren't taglines supposed to be catchy like "Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar"? (of course I would know a chocolate bar's jingle, I am a woman after all.)
Secondly, really? Is this company really saying buy this product and scientifically men will be attracted to you. Who are these lip gloss scientists? I feel sad for them because they probably went to school to learn about curing diseases, not figuring out how to make thirteen year old girls' lips plumper.
Thirdly, wow companies think women are either a) stupid b) sad c) desperate d) masochists.
I say d) masochists, because have you ever tried a lip plumper? They burn the shit out of your lips and there is hardly a difference.
Also, if any make-up any woman has ever bought has gotten them in a long-term relationship with a man, that item should be in a museum.
Fourthly, you decided to call the gloss Mother Pucker, really? It sounds like a messed up nursery rhyme.

Unfortunatley there will be that eleven year old girl who will read that statement and unknowingly internalize it, and then has one more reason to feel inferior. As someone with fuller lips let me tell you this, they are a lot of work. They take up such a large part of your face, need constant moisture and can actually get in the way of talking. I could only imagine what fake ones would be like. Plus no scientist has ever come up to me and told me that I am scientifically more attractive to men. Not one!

So fuck Mother Pucker. It's a scientific fact that all products sold at Shopper's Drugmart don't actually work.
And yay women, it's a scientific fact that we can do better.

Thanks for reading!

Crucial? Really??!?!

How To Screw Up

2011-03-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

So it's Thursday and it's supposed to be reader's requests, but I forgot to ask people via facebook/text what they want me to write about. So no request today, just like it was no "What Children Said To Me This Week" on Tuesday and no Gossip Girl Review on Monday (But that one wasn't my fault, that was the CW's...and society's!). Wednesday worked out though because it's "Anything Goes Wednesday", so you know, anything went.

So now I will let the fates decide what I will write about. Whatever my next Stumble Upon website is I will somehow figure out a "How To" out of it.
Ok so ironically enough I stumbled upon a "How To" website of "How To Wake Up Every Morning On Top Of The World". Eerie! The computer has done the work for me, just like it did my grade eleven history essay (shhh!).
Basically the guy says don't wake up stressed, don't watch T.V or turn on the computer, listen to music and meditate. I think I can do one better.

How To Wake Up Every Morning On Top of the World

First things first, where do you live? Northern Russia, Northern Canada or the North Pole? Oh you don't live in any of those places? Too bad, you can never be on top of the world.

Secondly, you can't really control how you're going to feel as soon as you wake up. It's pretty difficult considering you don't know how you have slept.
But what you can control is what is the first word you say in the morning. This is a game I play with myself. Usually it's "Hi" but sometimes it's "What?", "Fine" and "Oh my god you guys are so loud in the morning!".
I figure if you can make that first word a happy one you'll have a decent day. Maybe not on top of the world good, but aight.

Thirdly, meditation is a wonderful thing. But if you're like me you wake up with just enough time to do everything you need to get done. If I take a minute longer doing something, I will be at least ten minutes late. So the question is do you want to sacrifice sleep to meditate? Doesn't make much sense does it. Especially when the Dalai Lama says, "The best form if meditation is sleep". Made you ponder didn't I?

So maybe I don't know the secret to waking up feeling earth toppingly good but I do know laughter helps. So enjoy this video, it makes me laugh (but apparently don't enjoy it first thing in the morning).

Oh and readers, please comment about what you would like my next Thursday's post to be on. Don't leave me hanging!

Thanks for reading!

How To Have Friends

2011-03-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was my birthday which was very nice. It made me really think about all the people in my life and how happy and grateful I am to have so many fabulous people apart of my world. So I thought today I would dedicate to the best of times I have had with my friends and family.

Getting to travel to New York, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Paris with my closest friends. Traveling is fun but getting to be with the people you love in those places is amazing.
Example: In Paris we had gone to A LOT of museums, so by the time we got to the Louvre I was a little punchy. Luckily my friend Anisa was too, so we spent the entire trip laughing at the nakedness and the craziness of some of the art. This was the result:

Me hitting on a statue


Me discovering my long lost son Chester


Witnessing a Nonna bare her breasts

Long story short that museum is HILARIOUS. Plus mine and Chester's relationship is stronger than ever!

Salad parties! This has become a tradition. Whenever the weather is nice, I make my Masterpiece Salad (NBD) and sangria and me and my friends just sit in the backyard and chill from three in the afternoon until three in the morning. It's so relaxing and pleasant. (Side note: Try not to drink the sangria from 3 pm to 3 am. The night will inevitably end in vomiting.)

Cruises. No not the boat kind, the car kind. This started when my sister Sam learned to drive and continued when Anisa learned to drive (and still she is the only one of us out of out group of friends that can drive. I know, I know, I'll get my G1 on Monday!) Basically we would get (AHAHAHAH I can't even get through the sentence. I'm so not getting my G1 on Monday. I've been saying that for literally six years.) So like I was saying basically we would get in a car and drive. Usually to the lakeshore. It's so much fun and makes you feel very independant at seventeen. Plus you can sing along with the radio to killer hits like "The Greatest Love of All". Personal fave!

Doing nothing. I love sitting around doing nothing. It is one of my passions. But when you do nothing with friends, that's the ultimate.

This is what doing nothing can lead to!

Grey's Anatomy Nights. The show, not so good anymore. The company, like I coined in Paris after watching Les Simpson, "Troy Bien!"
I love talking during T.V, but having an audience around really makes it worthwhile. Watching T.V with friends is just more fun.
Like when I watched 30 Rock with my frousin (patent pending!) Mina, and then we would repeatedly rewind everything that Alec Baldwin said.
Or the very intense Gossip Girl marathon (literally, days were lost) I did with my sister Vanessa during the month of February. [Side note. Which is why these posts are so Gossip Girl saturated. It was the only television I watched during the one month blog-a-thon so it was the only reference point I had to draw from.] Anyways I like T.V, I love my friends.

They're friends too!

So thanks to all you people in my life that make it so special. You rock!

And now, a friendship photo montage:

YAY FRIENDS!!!

Thanks for reading!

How To Be A Flake

2011-03-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

Hey all! It's my birthday today so I was almost going to completely flake out on writing a post but then I thought, well I've come this far so I gotsta do it. But it will be a shorty.

But so I won't leave all three of my readers completely hanging I will let you ponder on this:
My friend Ben made two statements tonight that really make you think.
1. Why do you say pair of jeans if it is one item?
2. What does the phrase "state of the art"literally mean?

So just think about it. And as a birthday gift to me, tell your friends and friends of friends, how classic Classic-Al really is.

Thanks for reading!!

Happy birthday to me!

How To Be Dissapointed

2011-03-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

So I know today was supposed to be a Gossip Girl recap day, and I'm heartbroken too about it btw, but it's a stupid rerun.
Of course it is, the first good episode in two months and now I'm going to have to wait probably two months for Chuck's reaction to Blair and Dan's kiss, very exciting/stupid. I bet you he's going to shoot Dan, in a poetic full circle kind of a way.
[Side Note: Update, new episodes don't start until April 18th! The 18th! That's like a full out summer-time hiatus. Wah]

Instead I will fill you in on my days events.
Woke up forty-five minutes after my alarm and was only five minutes late for babysitting (I was as proud as I was out of breath).
After a full afternoon of babysitting, I did a full evening's worth (at least I'm earning like a Rockefeller). I babysat the mean kid, who was so rude that I punished him with no electronics. After discovering that watching a movie was an electronic, he got pretty upset and said don't talk to me I'm in my room trying to sleep.
I do find it slightly ironic that while I was punishing him, I was playing Scrabble on his Mom's iPad, but hey man I don't follow the rules I only enforce them. Either way, it was a rough night.
When I got home I was so annoyed I sat and stared out the window for twenty minutes. I imagined life as a catatonic and it's not so bad, it's kind of relaxing.

So now I sit here typing with the rerun of GG blaring in the background. I was so ready to write the review tonight I was going to do a play by play, like sports! (Fine I don't watch sports, in fact in highschool when I accidentally got on the rugby team I would call practice, rehearsal. The only time I got the ball I pretended to fumble it and then ran in the opposite direction. Man I'm unathletic.)

But no review to be had. Oh well. I could tell you that last night I had a dream where Adrian Brody had a cameo in it. Literally, he said, "Hey, just doing a cameo." He was really funny.
I think it's time for me to stop watching t.v and start getting into sports.
Ooooh I'll dooo it this afternoon.
Thanks for reading!

Hey, just doing a cameo in Al's blog

Al's Views 6

2011-03-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So I waited too long to write my post and now I'm tired and I have to go to bed early because I'm working in the morning (something I haven't done in quite the while).

Now I know when I post this it will say that it's been posted at 9:00 PM, but that's just not true. For some reason my blogsite has decided that it's on west coast time, so any time I mention time in my post it just doesn't sync up and that bothers me big time.
Like I made a big deal a while back about missing my deadline and writing at one in the morning therefore I hadn't written every day in the month so I broke my own contract. However when I published the post, it said I had written it at 11 PM, making me seem like a liar.
Plus I talk a lot about writing before bed, and when I publish those posts it just makes me feel like a nerdy senior citizen (but in all fairness I do sleep as much as the average senior citizen, and if it was socially acceptable I would sleep fifteen hours a day).

I'm sure you're all thinking, "Why doesn't she just figure out how to make the time in the proper zone." Well excuse me, judgemental, and I'm pretty sure you're mixing me up with someone who is computer literate.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed now since I just yurped (yawned and burped), and I'm going to bed at 12:14 AM, ok!

Have a good night's sleep.
Thanks for reading

   +

   = Yurp

How To De-Stress

2011-03-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

So I have been working since eleven in the morning and I will likely not end until after midnight. It's been a stressful day.
The house I was babysitting during the day not only had a sick baby, but two nervous Italian Greyhounds, both of whom decided not to be housebroken today. Basically I had to clean up poo, pee and barf all day. (Side note: I do not get the appeal of Italian Greyhound they're so skinny it's like petting a live nerve. Plus they all look like Monty Burns from The Simpsons).
I need to relax and never ever clean poo again. I will now list the many ways I de-stress my life.

-Take a bath. Yes this is a cliche, but nothing like immersing yourself in scalding hot water. I like to make a sweet playlist and sing-along.

-Re-read Bridget Jones's Diary Two: The Edge of Reason. The first book was aight but the second rocked (The opposite should be adhered to when watching the films). The best part is when Bridget Jones interviews Colin Firth, and she can't stop asking him about when he fell in the pond in Pride and Prejudice and his shirt was all wet and see-through. The first time I read this book was in grade ten and I couldn't put it down. Literally. Once I was reading it in the middle of a history class and the teacher caught me and then said, "I am so disappointed in you." It was a little brutal.

-Scream. Just for a few seconds. You can run the tap or something if your embarrassed, but there's nothing like a good shout to scare away the stress (it's a scientific fact!)

-Watch Gossip Girl. Do I really have to explain why? I already do the review so I'm sure you're all aware I have a problem. I'm addicted to watching/ telling people about the show. Yeah, I know guilty pleasures are supposed to be secret but this one is too much fun to talk about. It's gone from a guilty pleasure to just plain pleasure. Plus, I'm pretty sure Chuck Bass is my soul mate, NBD.

-Get drunk. I can't drink wine or beer so I've really started to love gin. It's weird, I never thought I would prefer one alcohol to another. There was a time when drinking was something you did in a school parking lot until you got to an uncomfortable house party where you were all ready tired because you wasted your high energy drunk on the TTC ride over.
But now I take my time and get slowly hammered as opposed to shit-faced in sixty seconds. It's classier. More mature, if you will. However for nostalgia's sake I think drinking in a school parking lot in the middle of winter something us over nineteens don't do nearly enough.

-Don't babysit young children. Your job description is essentially to not let the kids die, so after a while it gets a little nerve racking. Plus they say things like, "I'm going to tell my mom you punched me in the face."

Hopefully I've added a little tranquility to your weekend.
Thanks for reading!

Separated at birth, no?

How To Get Through Theatre School

2011-03-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So as many of you know I went to theatre school. It was a fascinating, strange, uncomfortable, life-changing, exhausting, friendship-making, scary, boring, funny, sad, ridiculous, smart, silly, fantastic experience.
While I was riding the streetcar today, a theatre school memory popped up in my head that I could not get out, so it inspired this post.
I will now list The Top Five Moments of Theatre School, in no particular order.

1. In the last choir class of second year, our teacher thought it would be fun to have someone lie on the floor while we all gathered around her and said, "Light as a feather stiff as a board." We tried really hard to make this person levitate, but after ten minutes it didn't work. It also didn't help that we were all hysterically laughing, but I'd say we got a good five six minutes of seriously trying to make this person float. (Side Note: This is the memory!)

2. The entire Alexandria Project rehearsal (yeah I know that's not it's real name but I refuse to call it anything else). I would not characterize this as a good time in my life (or my classmates if I should be so bold) but because of the intense and exhausting rehearsals we would laugh so hard sometimes it would last for days. Most of the laughing was incredibly inappropriate but it really was more of a tension release.
An example of how inappropriate some of the laughter was, once I was remebering an earlier laugh attack (because it attacked you there's no other way to put it) while one of the directors was comparing a scene we were doing to the devestation in Haiti. Needless to say people thought I thought the earthquake in Haiti was a joke, that was fun day.

3. I'm just going to put it out there, Ker Wells. He knew I loved him, my entire class knew I loved him and now my reading public will know. This man made getting through tough days at school bearable. He was fit and made us work out all the time, the endorphins were flying. I've also made a vow that if I ever were to win an award for acting I would have to thank him because he is the sole reason I made it through all three years. He was my carrot at the end of a stick (that sounds gross, but think of it metaphorically).

4. The ladies of the class by the third year became very obsessed with tea. I used it as a way to get through boring rehearsals or classes. During our breaks we would discuss which tea we would buy and whether we should get a tiger brownie, later replaced by a cream cheese brownie (both were equally disgusting and delicious). Our tea loving became so great that eventually someone just brought a kettle and we kept tea in our lockers.

5. Our class had it's own language. The plays that we had performed had Arabic, Farsi, and Egyptian influences, which meant we learned a little bit of each language. Most of what we took away in the end I'm pretty sure has no resemblence to any of these languages but here's a little Humber Class 2010 vocabulary lesson:
Wahanab- What's going on? Or any general question/wanting to show affection to someone.
Soh Uh- The Soh Uh is to be dragged out and then followed with "Sooooohhhhh Uhhhh what's happening?" (shout out to Mirian K)
Yarub- A name used in one of the plays, said whenever, where ever as Anglicized/Persianafied as possible.

Hope you enjoyed a little taste of theatre school. Anyone choosing theatre as their path will have these little quirks to look forward to.
If I were to compare theatre school to anything it would be like one long crazy fever dream that I wouldn't change for anything.

Thanks for reading!

Ahh memories

How To Make A Salad

2011-03-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hey all! Request Thursdays coming at ya! So my good friend Anisa K, has requested that I do a "How To" on how to make a salad.
So every potluck I make this salad and get so many compliments. I don't want to brag but people go crazy for it.
I come from a great line of salad makers so it's in my blood. I will give respect to where respect is due, Zoe Gale Garnett came to my house when I was in grade eleven and changed my family's salad making life. We were all about just using olive oil and balsamic vinegar as the dressing with just plain romaine lettuce, but Zoe made a version of this salad that we still use today. I have changed many aspects of the original salad but the outline is still there.

Alessandra's Salad Masterpiece (No big deal, but it's really good)

[SIDENOTE: I don't believe in measurements. I'm very haphazard with the whole cooking experience. My friends are actually scared to watch me while I make this salad because everything that I chop I don't use a chopping board, I use my hands. I also like to have the knife face towards me. It's my thing.]

Dressing
Juice and zest of a lemon
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
Grated parmesan cheese
Black pepper
Chopped chives
Grated garlic
Honey
Chopped basil
Dried oregano

Mix this all together in a glass and pour over the salad.

Salad
Mescaline mix (salad, not the drug)
Romaine lettuce
Avocados
Mangos
Cucumbers
Red Peppers
Red Onions
Blueberries
Blue cheese on top
Almonds
Mandarin oranges

Now I know it seems like there are just too many flavours in this salad and it seems gross, but it really isn't. It's a magical experience (I don't wanna boast or anything). So make and enjoy!!!

Thanks for reading!

My salad is the far left, it was actually tagged as fantastic (no big deal though)

How To Ignore The News

2011-03-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So like many people I have been following the Charlie Sheen drama through osmosis. I don't actively seek it out, it just manages its way into my day to day life. Like last night.
Last night I had PVRd the show Raising Hope but the 20/20 Charlie Sheen interview was on instead. This is always very upsetting to me when one thing says it's being taped and something else ends up being on, like a State of the Union Address, for example (I taped Project Runway dammit, I don't need to be filled in on current events!).

So I watched the interview and was so angry I was screaming at the TV. The last time I screamed at the T.V was when I was watching The Hills a few years ago. The character Spencer said something so stupid that I shouted "Oh my god!", at the T.V. I then abruptly turned it off and never watched The Hills again. Mindless entertainment should be entertaining, not emotionally exhausting.

Anyways, I was screaming because the interview was useless. Sheen shed no light into anything that was relevant. He barely talked about what was happening with Two and a Half Men, and kept saying he would defend his bitchin lifestyle through violent hatred. What does that even mean?
AGH no one cares. It's clear that ABC's 20/20 only did this interview because they're so excited that the most popular show on their rival network is ending through violent hatred. The woman hosting the interview was judgemental and misinformed. What a waste of forty two minutes of my life (yeah, that's right PVR means no commercials!).

I don't know what is happening in pop culture right now but just make it stop. Between the anti-semitism of John Galliano, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen; along with the messes of Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan, I miss fun entertainment news.
I also hate knowing so much information. Like on Good Morning America, they released Charlie Sheen's drug test results, LIVE! It's been said before but, have you no decency sir?
When I was a kid everything really was just slightly classier. US magazine used to have articles and pictures taken by successful photographers. Entertainment news was relevant to entertainment, not Tila Tequila's bi-sexual break up (true headline).

Just go back to the way things were, please. And pull a Bambi, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".
You know what, I understand what Violent hatred means now. I violently hate the direction of the media (except for you Perez Hilton, you're my star!).

Thanks for reading!!

Wait a second, this isn't Raising Hope!

How To Babysit Part II

2011-03-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So today is Tuesday which is now known as regurgitate whatever was said to me today by whomever I am babysitting day.
Today, I had the pleasure of taking care of a delightful three-year old boy. With my blog in the back of my mind, I felt like I was trying to hard to capture something that he said as either meaningful or funny so I gave up. That was until I was reading a Vanity Fair, which at the end of the magazine always has a Proust Questionnaire. The people asked these questions always seem so wise and learned so I was inspired and decided to ask the little guy classic Proust questions.

What book could you read over and over?

I'm gonna put on my shoes, I'm gonna put on my shoes, mmmmmmm Brown Brown Bear

What is the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?

Um I don't know. Puzzle pieces

If you could have any superpower what would it be?

Grape power. I can turn into a grape and eat myself.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

Here.

Piano Break Part One. The child needed a break from the questions so he began to play the piano. He performed an original song entitled "Baseball Great", which consisted of him banging on the piano and singing the lyrics, "Baseball great, baseballl great".

What is you're idea of a perfect date?

Uhhh have lots of friends over. Simon. Calla, We would play Diego.

Piano Break Part Two. He is now playing the piano singing, "One two three four, seven eight ten, seven eight ten, yeah!"

What hobby would you persue if you had more time?

Tired

What is your motto?

Mmmmmm, A, R, C.

(Side note: A.R.C was his answer to most of the things I asked him that day. For example, "Do you like your muffin?" Response, "A.R.C". It may be a code, I'm not sure.)

Piano Break Part Three. His final improvised song was his most touching. Here is a sample of some of the lyrics, "The baby is fast asleep with the mother, the baby was asleep and the mother was awake and the sheep was awake with the mother".

Who do you admire the most?

Mama.

So Proust was right, you really can learn about a person's soul when asked these questions, regardless of age.

Thanks for reading!

This is not the little boy I took care of today, but he's quite similar.

How To Review: Gossip Girl

2011-02-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

Ok all, so I am so freaking excited to do a review for Gossip Girl.
I do understand that if a) you don't watch the show, b) you do watch the show but you're not caught up yet, or c) you've never heard of the show and you're very confused by my obsession with the show, Monday posts may become irrelevant. But fear not, I'm witty so you'll enjoy, regardless of what I write.

So being the first review I will give you a little backstory as to why I love this glorified teen soap. Two words-Chuck Bass. He is hilarious, he's hot, he wears bow ties often and he speaks in this low raspy voice while saying ridiculous things like this:
"We, don't need tickets, I'm Chuck Bass."
"I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you."
"This means war Blair. Me versus you. No limits."
And the ever popular,
"I'm Chuck Bass."
The best part is he's like nineteen and so serious. I'm pretty sure he has never laughed once.
As for the other reasons to watch the show, it's fun, the clothes are unbelievable, New York, Paris and Blair is just as hilarious as Chuck.

Tonight's episode was a goody. The past few weeks the episodes have been incredibly dull since Serena has taken up with her ex-teacher/statutory rapist (who looks like he could be her brother)

           Like siblings, no?

Plus Blair and Chuck have barely had any scenes together. This makes me realize that I don't care about any other storyline except for those two crazy kids to end up together.
But finally, near the end the episode, something dramatic occurs to Chuck and he gets drunk and keeps shouting that he wants Blair (best part!). Of course this happens in like the last two minutes of the show, which means of course I have to watch next week.

Besides the Chuck being drunk incident, my other favourite part of the show was when the Reina character tells Nate he's not as dumb as he looks to which he responds, "I get that a lot." Oh Nate, he's so slow. To get a real insight on how slow Nate really is, I reccomend looking at what I refer to as my sister blog "What in the World is Up". Blogger Mercedes does a delightful post called "Nate Thinks", that encapsulates how Nate just barely knows what's going on.
Chuck owns an empire, Blair's on a conquest for world domination, Serena gets a man out of jail and Nate plays Wii stoned. Oh Nate, when will you learn?!

The other major thing that happened on tonight's episode is Dan and Blair may have feelings for eachother, OMFG! This angers me because all this means is there is another god damn obstacle before Chuck and Blair just get together. So I will end this review with a letter to the writers of Gossip Girl:

Hey writers of Gossip Girl, what's up?
So great job with tonight's episode. That maroon coat you put Chuck in was glorious.
So I'm sort of liking the direction you're going in this season, except for the whole Juliet and Ben storyline that went on for so long that I thought I had missed an episode and became very confused. When the confusion settled I realized you guys just did a bad job writing. But I'm not here to judge, I'm here to coach. Writers, just make Chuck and Blair get together, give Serena a love interest that doesn't look like her and is more interesting than toast, and let Nate continue to go to Columbia and hopefully retain the knowledge he learns there. But still, good job tonight.
Sincerely,

                                   xoxo Classic-Al.

Thanks for reading!

Al's Views 5: How To Win

2011-02-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

I did it. I won my Oscar pool. It was very exciting for me, less so for Mina. She was all, "Why do you get so mean?" "You're really having a competition with yourself," etc, etc. I won by two categories so not that much of a victory but good enough. Let's just say it was a Biutiful win (get it? Cause I'm going to force Mina to see Biutiful for my prize, plus I want my wooden spoon dammit!).

As for the actual show, it was ok. Half way through the night I got a little bored. James Franco wasn't used as much as I would have liked. For example he could have done an Acting with James Franco segment that he does on Funny or Die (it's very enjoyable and Dave his little bro is too cute and hilarious). He also could have expressed his love for me by dying his hair blonde and reenacting my favourite scenes from Freaks and Geeks, but I guess the Oscars does cater to a broader and less me audience.

Since I won and I feel in generous mood I am going to say nice things about the actors that won in the major categories.

Colin Firth: Umm you are the most adorable man in the world. I feel like technically you shouldn't be attractive but dammit you are. I enjoyed the clip they showed from your movie when you cried about not being able to be a king. Oh I just want to pinch you!
Natalie Portman: Oh Natalie, you're pregnant, beautiful, talented, engaged, and was in my favourite movie of the year. On top of that I'm only like thiry-five percent jealous of you because you seem like someone I would want to hang out with.
Also when I watched you in the post-show press junket, you handled the stupidest questions ever so politely. Example: Q-"Natalie are you going to name your unborn son Oscar?" R-"Actually I don't know the sex of my child, but no Oscar will probably not be the name."
Good job, I would have been super sarcastic. Plus you proove my theory that all beautiful women are named Natalie (find me an ugly Natalie, just try!).
Melissa Leo: Where do I start? Seriously, I had no idea who you were until The Fighter and even now you are unrecognizable compared to your character. I did enjoy that you said "fuck" in your acceptance speech. But also it's a shame you said "fuck", because after all your hard work as an actor and winning against all odds the Academy Award, you will always be known as the girl who said "fuck".
Christian Bale: I like that you have a cockney accent. I don't like that you look like Charles Manson. I like your work in The Fighter. I don't like how unbelievably attracted I was to you in American Psycho, it made me think long and hard about the kind of person I am.

So hurray for the winners, hurray for Hollywood, hurray for me, and it hurts me to admit this, but hurray for Anne Hathaway. I liked her hosting abilities. She was, dare I say, sincere. That and all her dresses were wicked awsome amazing.

So another Oscars (my Christmas) has come and gone, it's a little sad but I'm happy I was able to share it with you all! Have a good night.
Thanks for reading!!

I miss blonde James Franco, it was simpler times then

PS. Shout out to Elly who sat through the Oscars with me and my cat who in the end forced her to go home with an allergic reaction. There is only one real rule I adhere to in life: If Skyla sits next to you sprinkle her with water in the face until she leaves, I don't care how cute you think she is.

How To Follow Through!!

2011-02-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

I did it! I actually said I would write every day in my blog for one month and I actually achieved this. Trust me there were plenty of opportunities to not write. In fact the last two weeks of this expeiriment I couldn't help but write each entry right before I went to bed, which I admit does not make for the best posts (See: How To Write A Post In Five Minutes, How To Cure A Headache).
Still, I powered through. But now with the Oscars happening tomorrow and everything, I think I shall continue to write every single day. If that Julie, Julia woman did it for a year and she had a real job plus was cooking multiple dishes a day, what excuse do I have? I mean it's two o'clock in the afternoon and I am still in my pajamas, blog writing is in my DNA.

So now in honour of me actually following through and doing something that I said I would I am going to start having different themes for each day of writing:
Sunday- that's already Al's Views (which is kind of redundant when you think about it).
Monday- Chuck Notes, my review on this weeks Gossip Girl. This one is purely for my enjoyment (sorry reading audience) plus it gives me a reason to watch GG on Monday nights.
Tuesday- Rehashing all the mean things the kid I babysit for has said to me over the week.
Wednesday- Free for all. Whatever's in my head happens.
Thursday- Requests.
Friday and Saturday are TBA.
Not to be forgotten I am starting a talk-show which I will also post here.

Thanks for sticking with me for this month and I hope you will continue to.
Thanks for reading!!


This is how happy you make me when you read my blog!! YEA!!

How To Be Quiet

2011-02-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

Hey all. So I am babysitting again, apparently I am trying to break some sort of record. The baby is asleep, but not really. I can hear him talking to himself, which is really hilarious if you stop and think about it. What is he saying? He's having a pretty intense conversation with himself, probably just rehashing the days events,
"Well I woke up, ate some mush, fell asleep due to all the energy I used up during breakfast, woke up, went for a ride in the stroller, had people talk at me, discovered that I can drop things on the ground, dropped my food on the ground for half an hour, cried because I could, and now I'm lying in my crib listening to lullaby Radiohead. What a day."

So since the baby isn't asleep yet I have to walk around the house like a ninja cat (shout out to Alex Fallis). When you're trying to be quiet you realize how loud things really are. For some reason the house that I am in has crazy creaky floors, stairs and furniture. You sit on a chair and it sounds like a rusted bicycle.
Also, by nature I am NOT a quiet person. I am damn loud all the time. I often have to regulate the volume of my voice. I can't help it. It's the family I come from, if you don't scream you don't talk. Basically I am the polar opposite of the parents that I am babysitting for tonight. I'm pretty sure their combined weights are about one-hundred and ninety pounds. They also have a deck of cards amount of chicken with no skin on it for dinner with a few shreds of lettuce, which after eating they remark, "Woo, I am full."
There's nothing wrong with these kind of people, I am just in awe of them.
I feel that my mere presence is too intense for them. I find my self whispering in their home and looking in their fridge to find out all they have is grapefruit juice and flatbread.
But these people are not alone in their ways. I once babysat for a couple that would eat dinner, have literally four pieces of tortellini left and save it as if that was a meal for the next day. I just want to know how they survive. Don't they ever feel the need to yell or eat an entire bowl of pasta?

I think I will do a sociological experiment where I will be smaller and quieter. I will have half a grapefruit for breakfast and ten almonds for snack. I will speak in a quiet voice, listen to Tom Waits and read a book as opposed to my blasting of GirlTalk and constant re-watching of "The Larry Sanders Show". I will wear my hair straight and flat as opposed to my just got electricuted-look I am so fond of.

Ahh, but this could never be. Just thinking of doing this exhausts me. I'm loud and messy, that's my thing and I will own it, dammit! But for tonight, while the baby is chattering away I can pretend for a little while that I am quiet, at least until I accidentally drop something on the floor (it's bound to happen so I bulid it into my day).

Thanks for reading!

Well if they can do it!

How To Deal With Boredom

2011-02-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

So for the past three hours I have been babysitting with nothing to do. I finally cracked the password for the wi-fi connection so I'm able to write this post on my iPod but before this discovery I had nothing to do.

Some people tend to read in a house filled with books but in my defense I tried. First I read a news paper, then I tried to read a Uta Hagen book to proove what a studious actor I am. Ten minutes later I woke up. You see when stuck in a house that is not your own it's very difficult to stay awake- even if staying awake is literally your only job description. It is a fine art babysitting at night. If you've managed to entertain yourself, you're set. You're essentially being paid to watch a movie. However if you're like me, staying awake seems to be a chore, so the entire evening is spent trying not to fall asleep, which is my definition of torture. Unfortunately I have a habit of falling asleep, a lot. Anytime I'm in a somewhat comfortable situation and I am not being spoken to directly I will fall asleep. Whenever my friend Stella comes over to watch a movie I always fall asleep. Always. The only thing that keeps me awake is knowing that Stella is staring at me. She's like my movie-watching conscience.

I wish I had a thyroid problem or something to make up for my apparent narcolepsy, but I'm in quite good health. I think if I am to blame anything it's my ADD. It's the only plausible explaination. If something is not constantly stimulating me I go to sleep, like a computer you're to lazy to turn off.

Well thank god for wi-fi because I'd be asleep in an armchair right now, and then the mom would walk in- not good.
So I guess the only way I've figured out how to cure boredom is to figure out a password so I can get on the Internet. I just became very sad.

Thanks for reading!
(and may I say I've gotten much better at the iPod blog thing, I'm learning!)

Get it.. He looks bored and is on a show called "Bored To Death". Eh!

How To Cure A Headache

2011-02-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know? My head hurts, a lot and I already tried massaging it and pressing that spot in my hand. No I will not take Tylenol, that's for the weak! (and plus I don't really have any, actually I could really use some like badly) But no! It's bad for your liver.

Well in all seriousness the pain is getting worse so I'm going to cheat out of this post and make it short. I will leave you with one thought:
If you ever feel the need to truly be entertained go observe a gymnastic class for two year olds. It is the most thoroughly enjoyable thing I have ever witnessed.

Thanks for reading!

Ice does not help...Believe me

How To Get Over A Bad Day

2011-02-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

So today I had a pretty bad night. I went to improv class and did terribly. I then went to go perform in an improv show and once again did terribly. I then had a conversation about religion with my mother and that went terribly. I could tell I had hit a nerve when she said my full name when responding to me. Nothing was going right.

I am still enduring the bad day and I need to shake it. Writing about it isn't as therapeutic as I had hoped. This bad day just makes me not want to write but I will power through.
I had some cookies but that didn't really help. I'm listening to music right now and it's helping. Actually it's helping a lot because the song my i-pod shuffled to is ironically called "Good Day" and the lyrics say, "I'm gonna have a good day cause ain't nobody gonna die today," and you know that really gives you perspective. No one died today (well that I know of. I'm sure thousands of people died today but if I get into that, shit's gonna get real) so things are looking up.
Besides, when I really think about why I'm in a bad mood it's kind of silly. I mean improv is hard by nature and so you have an off night, it's not going to ruin my career (which now that I wrote it down makes me think that it is going to ruin my career and that I have no talent). So maybe music isn't helping the way I hoped it would.

As I am writing this, my father has walked into the room to inform me that he has eaten thirteen hundred calories today and he's quite proud. What am I supposed to do with this information, develop an eating disorder?
Wow this day has really plummeted. I think I'm going to stop typing before I get into Cathy comic territory ACK.

Well here's hoping you all had better night than me. Happy February (it's kind of an oxymoron).
Thanks for reading!

How To Say I Told You So!

2011-02-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

So tonight I wnet to go see the new French-Canadian movie Incendies. I did not want to see this movie. I wanted to see Biutiful with Javier Bardem.

Why I Didn't Want To See Incendies:
-I had seen the play version called Scorched. I did enjoy the play but the only thing that keeps you connected to the story is the unfolding mystery of what is going on. If you know the twist there's really no need to experience the story again.
-It's very, very tragic.
-It did not star Javier Bardem.

Why I Did See Incendies:
-Mina (my frousin who I went with) did not want to see Biutiful because she heard it was sad for the sake of being sad. I then laughed and said, "Oh you wanna see something sad for the sake of sad!! Fine let's see Incendies. I will gladly go to proove you good and wrong."
-It was directed by the guy who did Polytechnique, which was wonderful and amazing.
-You can't really go wrong with French-Canadian movies, they are almost always the best movies I have ever seen (Maelstrom, The Barbarian Invasions, The Decline of the American Empire, etc).

Now Mina will say that she heard Biutiful was mellow-dramatic, but ironically Incendies is sooooooooo dramatic it makes you want to jump out a window. Near the end I wanted to walk out because I knew what was going to happen and I physically could not take it anymore. Plus whoever wrote that review of Biutiful is jealous, because Spanish movies rock. Always. On top of rocking, it was filmed in Barcelona. Double rock.

Why I Stayed:
-So at the end of the film I could turn to Mina and say, "HA!"
-I didn't pay money for it so at least I could get my free movie's worth.
-It's not such a bad movie. It has pretty scenes and good acting, so it doesn't deserve a walk-out.

Why I Should Have Walked Out:
-It was so long.
-The ending was so drawn out it made me want to throw something at the screen.
-If I walked out I would have had to shout out the twist to the audience as I was leaving, and I think that would have just bummed everyone out.

As the film ended I turned to Mina and she said, "Why did you say you wanted to see this?" and I thought, good she learned her lesson. So it was sort of worth it. And when I win the Oscar pool the two of us have had going on for five years I will laugh and laugh and force her to see a movie that stars Ashton Kutcher. It will not be enjoyable for either of us but at least I will have made a point!

What would you rather have seen?

This

Or this?

Al's Views 4

2011-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Hello. It's Sunday. It's snowing. You know what that means, flu season. This post is dedicated to my number one sugar/stage mama Anisa K, or the second A to my double A battery. She's not feeling too well all the way up there in Francais so this is a post of all the ways that I cure the common cold.

So I get sick. A LOT. Now that I am finished with the schooling aspect of my life I actually have yet to get a cold this year (knock on wood...do it!) However I did get the stomach flu twice, and I have been hung over like nobody's business this year (even only after three drinks!).
Now in my schooling life I got sick four times a year without fail. When I visualize my immune system I see it like a tiny dandlion, and the slightest wind just destoying all the tiny little cottony petals.
In theatre school we were marked on attendance (because what the hell else can they really mark you on? I went to clown school- literally) so basically they would punish you if you got sick. Man, they were jerks. Anyways, you getting sick could mean actually failing a course so here are the ways I staved off the inevitable illnesses:

-Neti Pot. Yes Oprah invented this. Yes you have to stick luke warm water up your nose but it totally works. When I got my nose pierced the nice Dutch man told me that it cut down illness in the Dutch army by ninety percent. I then laughed and said, "The Dutch have an army?" he then stabbed my nose with a sharp needle.
BTW: Make sure the water is not too cold or too hot because major ouch. Also use the the saline solution packets they give you, because replacing it with just salt with burn the motherfucking shit out of your nose.
- Boil a thimble of brandy, then add honey and chili peppers. Sip this slowly before you go to bed. It makes you fall asleep instantly and really soothes your throat. But don't do more than a shots worth because that's how you weaken your immune system, by getting drunk. This worked for me twice and then never again. It either is a placebo effect I grew out of or just different reasons for being sick.
-Prayer. Yes, like the common birth control plan, prayer is something I have definitely resorted to. I remember in second year having a major assignement due the next day and lying in my bed saying over and over, "You are healthy. You can breathe out of your nose. You feel amazing." It worked for the morning the next day, but then I had to go home in the afternoon because I ran a very high fever. Still positive thinking never hurts!
-Garlic Tea. It's exactly what you think it is, an entire clove of garlic in hot water. This worked well for me until it made me vomit. I also stank like garlic, so I had even more incentive to want to run home. Well at least I was sick and no one came near me. Side note: garlic is as strong as a regualr antibiotic. The more you know!
-Just stay home. It is so annoying that people expect you to show up when you feel like shit. Like why? You don't like going into work sick, why do you want to see others do the same? If you sleep for a solid day and night, all these home remedies are made moo point (a cow's opinion, it just doesn't matter. Shout out to Joey Tribiani!)

Hope these were helpful and to all my readers (if you exist) feel better (especially my little Anisa!!! Miss you let's skype<3)
Thanks for reading!

What does your immune system look like?

How To Write A Post In Five Minutes

2011-02-19T16:02:00.000-08:00

That's right. I have combined both my How To Be Late post with my How To Be Lazy. It's only natural. They were destined to meet.

Some hints on how to get the most for your money while trying to write a post in a super fast way is to not stop writitng. Basically anything that pops into your head, you write.

Watermelon. I miss watermelon. I guess it's not appropriate to eat watermelon in the winter months. It's not in season. But if we were to eat everything in season all we would have is frozen dirt. And the zucchini plant in my backyard that never stops growing. It's the vegetable version of a postman. When the atomic bomb comes all that will be left are the roaches and that zucchini plant, that no one in my family planted.

This summer I tried to get into gardening. I got my overalls on and my crocs, went into the front yard and thought I'd start by pulling out weeds. Three hours later, after discovering most of my front yard had been turned into sand by what I can only imagine zillions of ants, I quit and never went back. Literally. The gardening tools I used are still down there.

My eyes burn. I'm too young for cataracts but sometimes I think it's possible. Well actually, I'm not exactly sure what cataracts are but alls I knows is my sight has gotten worse and my eyes burn like I've been writing for hours (When in actuality it's been four minutes and ten seconds). I learned the word cataracts from a monologue I studied last year. I also learned about the ailment gout from a monologue I studied in grade nine. If I keep studying monologues maybe one day I'll be a real live doctor!

Well this has been five minutes. Thanks for reading!

Yum!

How To Be Creeped Out

2011-02-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

I'm babysitting right now and the kid's asleep so I am watching, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Oh my god this is the creepiest movie I've ever seen and it's only been ten minutes. The movie opens with a little girl singing this song called "I've Written a Letter to Daddy," and the way she sings it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But now that I think about it so, so many things creep me out. More than the average person.

Things That Creep Me Out
-The kind of animation that is used in that children's movie, The Last Unicorn.
-Anything that is any kind of anime. Even the good kind like Spirited Away.
-Children's beauty pageants. Ewww. Why would anyone want their kid to look like that?
-Religious paintings, iconography, posters books, etc. Basically anything that is remotely religious has always frightened me. It could have been because I saw a clip of The Exorcist at waaaay too young an age. The explanation could also come from when I was ten I went to Italy and we stayed in a convent for the first week of our vacation. In the room where we slept, there was a picture of Jesus, crying puss (I swear!) with a crown of thorns on, and at nighttime it glowed, NO LIE! (Even trying to find a picture for the link was treacherous.)
-All bugs. Even lady bugs and ants.
-All music that sounds like this. Obviously it's because of The Shining but originally there's no way the person who wrote that song thought they were making an excellent mood setting for the end of one of the scariest movies ever.
- Every so often when I am watching T.V, the cable resets. In order to reset, the T.V turns off without warning and where the time is on the cable box it reads instead, "boot." It freaks me out every time. The first time it ever did that it was late at night, and I had just watched The Ring. I ran upstairs screaming.
- Crispin Glover. When he starred in that movie Willard I was scared to watch commercials because I thought the trailer might be on. Also, once I saw him on Conan, and he said he collected old timey surgical tools. WHY!??!?!
-Staying on Stumble Upon for too long. After twenty minutes, it gets weird.

Maybe writing this post will be cathartic. In reality I am alone in a strange house with a mind full of the things that give me the willies. So that's just great.
Have a nice night!

Thanks for reading!

How To Be Late

2011-02-17T17:38:00.001-08:00

Hi again. Writing from my i-pod again, which I think I've gotten better at but I do not want to speak too soon.
I'm writing a post today that is near and dear to my heart, being late. Now I'm not going to blame society like I do most things (lack of spelling ability, my Anderson Cooper thing) I will blame my upbringing, slightly because my father is perpetually late. Anytime we have to go anywhere he decides five minutes before we leave he just has to take out the garbage, do the dishes and sweep the floor. It's like clockwork.
Anyhow, I have mastered being late. It goes hand in hand with my laziness. As I write this post I am taking the streetcar to work where I will for sure be five minutes late. But if you looking to be late like me (often) then you have to learn how to live like me. I take forever to do simple tasks.

Some examples are:
-Take an hour to decide what to wear, even when you're in a rush.
-Eat breakfast for two hours (it Is the most important meal of the day)
-Make a playlist before you do anything (that way you get lost in the music and your schedule)
-Decide that you have to write in a blog every day (oh boy does this waste time)

Well must get to work now hope these little guidelines help!

Oh and I'm aware that this is very similar to How To Miss a Deadline, but I'm running late what do you expect.

How To Impress People

2011-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

Hi all.
So today I was making dinner for the kid I take care of and his two friends (who are twins, it's weird). I usually really like making dinner because I feel very confident and creative in the kitchen.

Today, I accidentally forgot to pick up the store-bought garlic bread for the kiddies, so I decided to make it myself. I roasted the garlic in the oven, buttered the bread, then spread the softened garlic on the bread, sprinkled cheese and salt and put it in the oven for a couple of minutes. As it was all being prepared, in my mind I was all like, oh I'm so inventive, the kids will be surprised and delighted. Then I served the meal.
The kids looked at the bread and were like,
"You put cheese on it?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, that's garlic bread."
And they're like, "Cheese changes the whole taste of it."
And I'm like, "No it makes the taste of it."
Then one kid said, "I don't eat regular bread just garlic bread."
And I said, "This is garlic bread!"
And then he says, "No, store bought only."

This was all very upsetting to me. I mean I took time and effort into making this bread (which was left uneaten) and no one cared. I need to know, what does it take to impress these people? Blood, sweat and tears literally! It also makes me question my cooking abilities. The last three meals I cooked at the kid's house were not well received.

The reviews were as followed:
Pasta and bolognese sauce- "Um I just want butter on my pasta", "Me too", and "It would be good if it didn't have tomatoes or meat in it".
Pizza with homemade sauce and dough- "Um no offence, but you're pizza was disgusting and no one ate it".

But at the same time I can't take it too personally, because for dessert they had cotton candy ice cream which actually tastes what it would be like to be poisoned. Also one of the kids put so much salt on his pasta that it burned your tongue, but he ate it up.

I guess the lesson here is don't try. Next meal I'll make them will be a baguette cut open with butter and salt dumped on it. It's like being in a gourmet restaurant!

Thanks for reading!

I bet they'd eat this

How To Dance

2011-02-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so I was having a conversation with my friend Ben talking about semi-formals and proms. Our first topic of conversation was how the same songs were played at every semi and they are as follows:

Turn Me On- Kevin Lyttle

Murder She Wrote- Chaka Demus

Twice My Age- Shabba Ranks ft Crystal

Like every semi! I feel like these songs were written thirty years ago, at least, and so they just play them at every dance ever. Even when I was in Barcelona they played two out of the three. It was very exciting.

The second part of our conversation was that dancing is weird. I don't share this view. I love to dance. Choreographed or otherwise dancing's fun. Ben on the other hand had a very strong viewpoint. His point is made in this following video:

(Sorry for the lighting it's dark and orange in my basement for some reason.)

I mean he does make sense. It is strange that when we hear music we automatically start to move our bodies. And the fact that we all decide to go to a place, pay money, and blast music is also kind of weird. But I think anything is weird if you really think about it. Like a horse falling (wait that's Ben's thing again).

Ok I was lazy I essentially had a conversation with Ben and then made it my post... But in the spirit of borrowing friend's ideas, here's a how-to on:

How To Make Tulips Last And Stand Up Straight

1. put a penny in the water - it keeps the water crystal clear! no murkiness!!!

2. you must put a pin through all the stems horizontally just before the bud...it makes the tulips grow really straight and really slow! so cool...but it seems like torture. anyways im tyring it out and it works!

Thanks to Krystyna Kongats (Double K!) and her Grandmother.

Thanks for reading!

How To Write A Post On An i-Pod Touch

2011-02-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is going to take forever. Texting is hard enough for me (whenever I see anyone on Gossip Girl text a five sentence message in five seconds I think HOW!) but now transfer that to a full web page and we're talking hours.

On this sentence alone I've had to correct what I was writing twenty-seven times. The reason I'm using my pod is because I'm coat checking again on what is supposedly the most romantic night of the year. I have to say however, that Saturday night's crowd was way more romantic. This crowd seems a little dull, forced if you will.

Personally I like Valentine's Day. It reminds me of kindergarten and who didn't love kindergarten. You learned to read and write numbers; if you were anything like me you played house. House rocked, what with it's fake food an all. I loved the fake pots and pans, they cooked the best food.

Well this is going to be a shorty because I have twenty percent battery. I hope you understand this post took fifty eight minutes.

Thanks for reading!

Enjoy this website because I don't know how to add a picture.

Al's Views 3

2011-02-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome to a Grammy themed edition of Al's Views.

So I just finished watching the Grammys. They were good. I missed Lady Gaga's performance and that was really the only reason why I wanted to see them. But yeah, still good. However some singers that I know can sing sang flat like Bruno Mars and Justin Bieber (I'm a belieber!). I don't know why, was it too loud to hear? The same thing happened to Taylor Swift last year. Maybe the Grammy stage makes you flat if you are a successful performer under the age of twenty.

Some group called Lady Antebellum won a lot (I am apparently the only person in the world that does not know who they are. Once I was in the car with my sisters and one of their songs came on and both Sam and Vanessa knew all the words. How did this pass by me? I love the country pop!). They won everything, except for album of the year. That doesn't really make sense to me. I mean, if they have the best record, the best song, the best single, why wouldn't they have the best album? Isn't the best song on the best album? It just don't make no sense.

Drake didn't win and that made me sad. I like Drake. He tried to get into a semi-formal I was at in grade eleven and Oakwood didn't let him. Plus he makes me feel like I know hip-hop, when I really have no idea about any kind of music. Basically if it is in a t.v show or film I know the song. Other than those two mediums, I need people to physically force me to listen to a song for me to discover it. Except for Elton John. Elton just sort of happened in grade eight. But wait, now that I think about it Elton John was on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Never mind. He' still DA BEST!

I need a music intervention. Thank god for 8tracks.com or else I would be listening to Lady Antebellum's single from 2010, and that's lame man.
Side Note: I do love 8tracks but it's hipsterness is starting to get out of control. Tonight I heard a hipster version of Daft Punk's "Digital Love" and I thought, isn't Daft Punk hipster enough? However I did like what they did in Tron.
Side Note: How freaking hideous does Michael Sheen look in Tron. Terrifying. I have to refer back to my previous post of Michael Sheen what is up with you? Kate Beckinsale and Rachel McAdams! You look like an uncomfortable uncle.

Anyways even though I am more invested in the Oscars I really like the Grammy's. I learn from it and you don't always get that in an awards show.

Now enjoy the smooth sounds of a new artist (to me) Lady Antebellum (They're country, yea!)
Thanks for reading!

How To Coat Check

2011-02-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hey all.
So tonight I am doing a job that I haven't done since I was seventeen. I am coat checking. I'm a little depressed considering it's been five years and you'd think I'd have a better way of making money by now, but I definitely do not.

Now in the past I found this job not only very boring but strangely stressful. The restaurant that I coat check at does not have a method of doing it. It is purely, "Here's tickets, I don't think they all match. Figure it out." So for the first half hour you're there trying to see if numbers match, this is where the boredom sets in.
However, as you're trying to do an amazing organizing job of the tickets, patrons start to come in- this is where the stress sets in.
Because you are the first person they see in this restaurant, the people automatically think you're the hostess and that you have the power to seat them and or know why things are taking so long. They like to get angry with you and then be super sweet to whoever is managing that night (I assume the anger does carry over to the servers. Side Note: Um why do people torture their waiting staff? Like if you're at a restaurant just be patient, your food is being cooked and served to you. It's a pretty amazing thing.)
They also like to give you drink orders. The first time I coat checked I was sixteen, definitely did not have my smart serve and did not know the names of drinks. A man came up to me and asked if I could get him a Glenlivet. By the time I got up to the bar I was like, "Ahhh, this guy wants a Jerry Level I think." Then the bartender looked and me and was like, 'No, he definitely does not."
I guess I'm just not restaurant folk because I get so tired too easily and I show it. Near the end of my coat checking stint, I would have more than one person come up to me and ask if I was alright. I wasn't.

But coat checking is definitely not always a bad thing. Sometimes you make a unnecessary amount of cash. One night I was coat checking and the people at the table were super drunk and one of the guys comes up to me and hands me a twenty explaining it's for the whole table. Then a second guy from the party comes up to me and hands me a twenty saying it's for the whole table. Then a third guy, same party, hands me forty dollars and says thanks for my trouble. That was a magic night.
Sadly, the same evening a sixty-year old man tried to kiss me on the mouth, but you know you take the good with the bad.

So maybe I'm not a restaurant person, but I guess I'll try tonight. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading!

I've checked all of these

How To Win A Bet

2011-02-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

So as a kid I would regularly have bets with people. The first bet I ever had was in kindergarten. For some reason I truly believed the moon was navy blue and my friend Dean kept trying to tell me it was a yellow colour. I so truly believed that the moon was navy blue that I got my friends Nakita and Rocco on my side. Dean got Joseph on his side, but that didn't count because Dean and Joseph were always on eachother's side. Eventually we asked Mrs. Suriano what colour the moon was and she was like, "It's cream!"

This failure I experienced did not sour me on the whole betting concept. Throughout grade school I made bets on everything, from word pronuncitations to why someone did not show to school.
I loved a good bet and it really brought the ugly out of me. I was mean, competitive and obnoxious- a tradition I still carry on today with my Oscar pool.

For the last five years I have had a pretty intense Oscar pool with my frousin (cousin/friend- patent pending!) Mina. At first I would guess the winners according to my heart but now it is a science. I make sure I know everything about the movies and I withhold information from Mina while we choose our various picks. I won't go into specifics but last year Mina chose Avatar for Best Picture, when it was so clearly going to be The Hurt Locker- but I didn't say a word. And this year is no different. It's not only the fifth anniversary of our little bet but it's the tie breaker so shit's about to get real. Not only are we doing our usual loser buys dinner and a movie for the winner (we're very romantic apparently) but in celebration of the five we're going traditional and buying something either in silverware or wood for one another (so the modern/traditional etiquette dictates). I am so going to win. I already know that I want a wicked wooden spoon that I will eat my entire victory dinner with whether or not it is a spoon appropriate meal.

Since this is a "How To" I guess I will get to the how point of this post. How to win a bet, well there are many factors. If you place bets with anyone under the age of eleven it's fairly easy to cheat so I suggest doing that (Stupid kids). Anyone older, hard work. Like anything else know what you're talking about and who you're talking to. And always have a sense of humour about it. It's not fun and frankly weird if you get super intense on your adversary (except for Mina, there's something about her face, I don't know).

Anyways, the number one rule is have fun, and maybe bet some money. I have yet to do a bet like that but apparently they're the most popular kind.
Have a great Friday night. I hear the moon's going to be a beautiful aqua-marine tonight.

Thanks for reading!

How To Blog When You Don't Wanna

2011-02-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today I was watching a bad Katherine Heigl romantic comedy (better than 27 Dresses way, way worse than Knocked Up) and it had your stereotypical sexist boringness.
The girl was a baker the guy worked in sports. The girl was tightly wound and clothing obsessed, the guy was a carefree slut. Yet at the beginning of the movie when Heigl goes on a bad date the guy says, "Don't worry you can get over this easily, bake something, you probably blog don't you? Blog about me"
Then I started thinking oh my god, they wrote that line because a stereotypical, modern single woman blogs. Then I thought, am I a cliche? Then I felt strange that a badly written rom-com had this power over me. Then I thought hmmm maybe romantic-comedies aren't as fake as you think they are. Maybe rom-com movie characters are stereotypical because maybe we as real people are stereotypical. Then the scene changed and the two characters who hate each other magically have to raise a kid together and then they fall in love. Ok so not realistic but I don't like to think that I'm writing this blog because I am a stock rom-com character.
I am an individual! An individual who does not know what to write anymore today. I'm not in a bloggin' mood. So thanks for reading though I do not deserve it today. Tomorrow I will bring the goods fo sho. But it just doesn't seem to be happening today.

You don't know me!

Thanks for reading!

How To Make It Work

2011-02-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

So I've been watching Project Runway this week and I've decided Tim Gunn is my guru. I've never admired a man more on a reality show then Mr. Gunn. His hillarious voice, his wicked plaid neck ties, and his overall sense of calm are just wonderful. However, the best part about him are his catch phrases "Make it work"and "This worries me". Every time Tim says to a confused, budding clothing designer either of these sentences, both the viewer and designer feel like their life has been changed.
I truly feel these two sentences can be applied to any situation at any point in your life. I will now channel Tim Gunn and all of his wisdom and answer some pressing life issues.

Examples of how "Make it work" can be used in day to day life.

You have a long day at work, but you have an important event directly after. Plus it's February and you need to look good. There are so many things that are a contradiciton in this situation. First of all footwear- do you sacrifice being warm to wear your nice riding boots so you look decent at night or do you wear you giant hid boots be warm, but look and feel out of place at night?
"Make it work!" Grab your big bag and keep your warm boots on until the party. Bring a plastic bag in case of snow.
That was easy.

Second problem, you're tired and don't have the energy to go out.
"Make it work!" Have you tried sucking it up or in case of emergency, cocaine? Apparently you can stay up all night as long as you do it in twenty minute intervals. But I guess your best bet at staying up all night is crystal meth. That stuff lasts aaaaaaallllllllllll night long.
Check that one off your list.

Third inquiry, I'm socially awkward.
"Make it work!" Well if you're already on the cocaine I got news for you, you won't stop being able to talk. You can just go on and on and on and on about anything. Compliment someone on the fabric of their pants and that conversation can literally last thirty two minutes.
Wow, I feel the spirit of Tim Gunn is truly upon me.

Examples of how "This worries me" can be used in day to day life.

Problem number one, you have a cocaine problem.
"This worries me." Having never dealt with addiction directly I assume once you run out of money you can't get the drugs so ipso facto you're cured! Just spend all your money on the coke.
Worry no more.

Problem two, you've lost your job due to all the recent partying you've been doing.
"This worries me." Partying is overrated, read a book or better yet become a recluse. No one will invite you to stuff if you start becoming all introverted or eccentric, believe me. Pull a Howard Hughes and save your pee in a jar, you never know when you might need it.
Solved!

Problem three, you need a job.
"This worries me." You've been partying a lot right? Well now it's time to call upon some favours and ask one of those people for an interview. After all most carrers are all about connections.
There, and before you know it you could be a MOVIE STAR!

Thanks Tim Gunn for giving me laughter, warmth and the ability to inspire and help others, you are truly my hero!

Look at him, I just love this man!

Side note that has almost nothing to do with this post.
Today the jerk kid I take care of was talking about how he was going to have a sleepover with lots of coke. I then said, "I've had a sleep over with lot's of coke too." I chuckled to myself. Then I felt sad.

How To Flirt

2011-02-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hey. Ok, so sorry I'm late again, but technically I'm awake so it still counts as the same day whether it is past twelve or not. Blog-o-rama continues!

Anyways, tonight I met a guy that I thought was very cute. We were at a bar and he asked my table who wanted to play pool. I thought that this was the perfect way to get to know him so I was all like, "Me, I'll play pool!" So I got up from my chair and the chair fell backwards. This was the first sign. I then proceeded to play pool with him, the girl he was actually interested in, and me- who has only played pool once and was BAD at it. I'm not sort of bad at pool, I'm terrifyingly bad. I naturally have hideous hand eye co-ordination, I can barely hold a pencil, so an entire pool cue is like a lesson in stupidity. I never hit the ball once, and when I got the white ball in the pocket thingy by accidentally grazing it, I was like, "What number is the white ball? And the guy says, "Number? That's the white ball!" Needless to say it was a mistake. I thought I'd get up there and be all, "Oh I'm not too good at this, could you help me?" And he'd say, "Yes." And we'd fall in love. It's that simple.

Sadly this is not the first time I've made a jackass of myself to get a guys attention. It's actually quite frequent. I will now list the ways in which I have mastered the art of flirting. Follow with discretion.

In grade nine my house had a fire. Of course that was the day I decided to wear a robe (with nothing underneath) all day long. A few hours after the fire, I decided to go look for my cat. Since I had no clothes I was wearing my neighbour's sweats that were five sizes too large and fingerless gloves (to complete the hobo-ensmeble). So I'm walking down the street, looking nuts, screaming, "Skyla, Skyla!" When who should pass by but my crush looking super cute in his baseball uniform. I was mortified!
SIDE NOTE: I had to end the story with mortified, because the more I write this down the more it sounds like it could be in YM or Seventeen Magazine. All that's missing is if that day also happened to be the day of my first period.

I have spat on guys accidentally while trying to flirt or at the very least seem attractive. One time ice actually fell out of my mouth.

I went to kiss a guy sitting on his bed and I took him off guard so he fell and hit his head, badly.

One night I was at a party and was having a really good conversation with this guy. He asked if I wanted to go to his apartment and I was like sure. We get to his apartment and it is covered with posters of The Joker from Batman. Like covered with every kind of Joker imaginable. The Jack Nicholson one, Heath Ledger, the cartoon, even pictures of him dressed as The Joker; it was terrifying. I then said, "Oh, do you like The Joker? To which he responded, "No, LOVE The Joker." I then said, "You know who I like, Two-Face." He then went silent. Half an hour later he asked if I wanted to sleep on the couch or get a cab.

This summer I babysat across the street from the hottest construction worker I have ever seen. Everyday I would bike past him. One day I was staring at him so intensely I crashed my bike into the pile of rubble he was shoveling onto the sidewalk. He asked if I was ok, and I said these exact words to him, "AWKWWFBW, uh yeah, sorry heh, good job." Good job? Why those words came out of my mouth in that order I will never know.

One day I will be the smooth girl with the witty banter, hair tossing abilities and eye lash batting. One day. Until then, I guess I will be the girl that spits and has a thing for guys who have a thing for The Joker.

Thanks for reading!

I'm flirting with you, can you tell?

How To Look At Pictures Of A Vacation You Weren't On

2011-02-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hello all.

So my parental units (remember that from Bring It On)? just came back from Cuba. Which was sincerely as much of a vacation for me as it was for them.
I ever so enjoyed them not being here for two weeks. Well at first I didn't really like being alone, and often I would tell Vanessa that I want a husband so I never have to stay alone in a house again.
But by the third day I was loving it. I could sleep in forever, the mess that was made was only mine so it was in specific easy-to-clean places in the house, I ate when I wanted to (instead of the usual force/guilt feed my mother loves to do), and best of all I could leave the house without being asked a few thousand times- "Where are you going? When will you be back? Should I make dinner for you?"
Now that I've written this all time I kind of feel bad, because it just seems that my mom (and apparently not my dad) just wants to know information about my day-to-day life and that's not such a negative thing... I guess.

But now they're back and they have pictures. But because we live in 2011 ma and pa can't just get them developed and deal with them themselves. Instead, I have to load it on the computer and then email the pics to every single one of their friends. This seriously cuts into my selfish time that I so enjoyed when they weren't here. Selfish time is the best. It's full or reading magazines, giving yourself pedicures and naps. But now I have to spend at least twenty minutes emailing pictures of upside down palm trees and my dad wearing a straw hat with his bulky "University of Roma" sweater (I've given up trying to justify the way he dresses).
But I'll do it. Because I live at home. So it's my punishment for not being independently wealthy. But boy if I was was independently wealthy, selfish time would just be know as time. And that's my ideal vacation.

You and I weren't here

Al's Views 2

2011-02-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

Hello all and welcome to another edition of Al's Views.

Tomorrow I am taking my headshots and I am having serious issues with deciding what to wear. Well actually, I haven't even opened my closet because my closet is a disaster. So if I open my closet to start the decision of what to wear I will inevitably have to clean my closet. But I can't clean my closet because if I clean my closet I'll have to add a bar at the top of the closet because I want to start to hang my clothes. So if I add a bar that means I have to measure my closet, go to a hardware store, buy a bar, install the bar AND then start to clean my closet. Oh my god, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. So instead of actually choosing the clothes that I own (somewhere in my room that I dare not mention) I have been looking in Marie Claire and NYLON magazines, and have been playing my favourite game of what would I wear if I could wear something from the magazine.

NYLON's offering (Fig. 1):

So I guess if I wanted to look super trendy (trendy being ironically not trendy) I should paint a fox on one of my Nonna's sweaters.

{SIDE NOTE- I love my Nonna and miss her so much, but what she has left me are three of the greatest sweaters I have ever owned (Fig.2). You can't really tell by that picture, but the sweater is black with electric blue houndstoothish print. I love it!}

But I guess if I were to follow the NYLON trend the casting agents would be too distracted by the fact that there is both my face and a fox's face in the picture and that's just asking not to be hired. So no to NYLON. Oh and I love how serious the Olsen twins are about fashion. Almost as serious as they are about pizza, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6DA_WwO90c. (Special thanks to Stella Melchiori for showing me this.)

Marie Claire's offering (Fig 3):

Ok, so this magazine clearly wins. I enjoy everything about this photo. Starting with the model. Clemence Poesy was so delightful in Gossip Girl and 127 Hours. Plus she has the uncanny ability of being really beautiful, modelly, perfect-looking but I don't feel any jealousy. It helps that she was born in '82 (but I swear to god if she was born in '88!). Anyways the look is flawless- sweet hair, cool jacket, the mixing of prints, high waisted jeans; I am all about this photo.

Conclusion:

So I guess I haven't come any closer to figuring out what I'm going to wear tomorrow. I have come closer to the fact that I have a magazine buying addiction and I need to start limiting myself to like three a month... or four... one or two magazines a week, but that's it!

Thanks for reading!

Fig. 2

Fig. 1

Fig. 3

PS. Please excuse Fig.3 for not being exactly in the middle. It took me half an hour just to get the pictures in that order so I'm not touching anything, unless I touch the computer by throwing it out the window.

PPS. Sam, no worries I am treating your laptop with the utmost respect.

How To Stay In

2011-02-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Hello.

So it's Saturday night. I'm in my twenties. I should be going out. However going out is seriously overrated in Toronto in February, so here's a few helpful tips on how to stay in like a pro.

First off, try to forget where you have put your cell phone. If you're like me it's usually in yesterdays pants or on it's way to being destroyed by the washing machine because you've thrown it in the dirty clothes. Now that your cell is missing you won't feel obligated to answer it and be given incentive to go out.

Now what are you wearing? Jeans, take them off. Get into the loosest fitting pants you can possibly find. My dad has issues with waist bands, so almost all the pyjama pants in my house have been cut at the waist. You should do the same. I'm also always cold so staying in means bundling up. A big sweater with a scarf is both warm and as my NYLON magazine tells me trendy! Basically, your wardrobe should look like my father's daily uniform:

He really does wear this everyday, everywhere

You can choose to accessorize with a baseball cap if you must but it's not necessary.

Also take a cue from Marcello in this photo and eat, eat, eat. You're already not going out so you've basically given up. I've recently found out I'm allergic to all things delicious, however if I had my pick of munchies nothings more of a classic than Miss Vickie's Sweet Chili and Sour Cream.

Finally, what are you going to do to entertain yourself? Classy people tend to read, listen to music and have a nice glass of wine. My top choice of staying in fun, is marathoning Gossip Girl and then discussing the characters like they are people I actually know.

Here are some conversation starters:

Chuck and Blair- our generations Carrie and Big?
Why is Nate so boring? Like soooo boring.
If I had Serena's money and style what would I wear? Where would I go?
Dan's changed. Is it for better or worse?
Will you marry me Chuck Bass?

So tonight instead of trying to do something, try not to do something (you get what I mean).
So sit back relax and stay in. It's snowing, do you really want to go through the hassle of finding footwear that's nice and will keep you warm? Couldn't think of anything, could you?
Staying in- the new going out!

Thanks for reading.

How To Like Music

2011-02-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hey.
So I was talking with my main ladies, Anisa and Krystyna, about what I should write about and at the same time we're talking about music and how some songs creep up on you, sort of like an infection. Ok so let me explain what I mean. Do you ever listen to a song and you're like I don't really like it at all but then you hear it enough times and you sort of give in to it. I can't tell if this means the song is good and I just need to give it a chance, or it's complete crap and the media had just over-saturated my brain. A prime example of this is Lady Gaga. I really love her now, but the first time I heard "Bad Romance" I didn't like it. The fifth time I heard it, I couldn't get enough of it. What does this mean? Is it that she's a musical genius and my sensibilities needed time to catch up? Or am I exactly the demographic the music industry is focusing on and my little brain can't compete? Makes you think. I will now list all the songs (I can remember) that I now love but didn't at first.

Telephone- Gaga (That "Central Station" Beyonce part is FA-IERCE! Plus I like the sound under the main vocals of the chorus that says, "Tonight I am dancing. I cannot take your call, tonight I am dancing". It's funny)
What's My Name- RiRi (You got to love the purple manicure she's rocking in the video)
Bad Romance- Gaga
Paparazzi- Gaga (This one doesn't really count because I only like the piano version. The dance mix is poo)
The Only Living Girl In The World- RiRi
Forever- Drake, Eminem, etc
Teenage Dream- Katy Perry (I really, really dislike Katy Perry, but this song won me over after I found out it was about Russell Brand- he's my teenage dream, in a creepy wouldn't allow my teenage daughter to watch his stand-up kind of way)
Sunday Morning- Maroon 5 (Yes I once liked Maroon 5. In fact in grade 10 when it was my birthday my friends decorated my locker and put a picture of Adam Levine and that made me happy)

Wow, after stacking all the songs up like this I think it's pretty blatant that the media is very, very powerful and I have been duped big time. Oh well I could get into the psychology of this whole thing- after all I did get a 90% in beginners psychology at Humber College (which translated to UofT is like a 40%, if they would even recognize what I learned was in fact psychology). But I must get ready to go out and quite frankly I am seriously in the mood for blasting some Lady Gaga. So I'll catch y'all later cause tonight I am dancing, I cannot take no calls because tonight I am dancing.

Thanks for reading.
Classic-Al!

See he's kind of cute in a douche baggish way

How To Say I Love You

2011-02-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

So right now I'm watching Love and Other Drugs for the second time. But in my defense my friend Elly's over and she hasn't seen it, it was four dollars, and Jake Gyllaanhaal is a super fox (however it does have lines like, "My friend's Thai and I'm Thai curious." Plus that and Anne Hathaway looks like a rabbit). Anyways, there's this one part in the movie where Jake has issues saying I love you. In fact, he has such issue that he has a panic attack. It seems like a stupid part of a stupid movie but something hit home for me. I too cannot say I love you. I never say it, like ever. Even when I'm talking to like my mom on the phone and she says, "bye, I love you", I'm always like, "Uh ok uh-huh sure bye." I mean it's my mom I know that I love her, I just can't say it.

Now there was a rumour floating around theatre school (that I started and my friend Nora can vouch for) that I may be dead inside. Not that I don’t have a soul or anything (which many of you may think I don’t have one after the whole cat cooler story) but I just don’t emote in the way that people, especially women, do. While I matriculated to theatre school (like that word usage, eh?) everyone cried once, because I don’t know why, I guess people go through emotional turmoil and we were there all the damn time so it was bound to happen. But not me, nope not ever. Ok, I did cry once but that was when I had woken up at three in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep, so by ten AM I cried due to sheer exhaustion (I may be soulless but I’m not a robot). Anyways, so I can’t say I love you and I can’t cry, I feel like there’s some sort of relation.

Sadly I can say I love you to fictional people/celebrities all the time. Here is a list of all the people I can easily say I love you to: Matthew Perry, Chuck Bass, Jon Stewart, Alec Baldwin, Judd Apatow, James Franco, Barack Obama, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Chuck Bass, Hugh Grant, Ker Wells (shhh, keep this one a secret!), Blake Lively’s clothing, Colin Firth, Ewan McGregor, the dad and gay couple in Modern Family, Conan O’Brien Michael Buble, Russell Brand, Zach Braff and Chuck Bass.

Ohhh, I have a problem, I’m supposed to explain a “How To” on how to say I love you, yet I cannot. I guess I can do baby steps so like the next time someone says it to me maybe, possibly I will say it back…ok fine I will for sure say it back. Maybe I might say it first… no I can’t, I can’t it has to be slower. Ok so that's the plan. Whoever is the first person to say I love you to me I will definitely say it back. No pausing or nothin'!

So thanks for reading and I l…ll…l.o…..love y…y..yo…yyo…you all. Yay I did it. Sort of.

Thanks for reading!

I truly believe Anne Hathaway looks like this breed of rabbit

How To Do An Improv Scene

2011-02-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hello.

As some of you may know I've been taking classes at The Second City for improv. My new session started a couple of weeks ago and I am not loving it. This not loving it sucks because usually I’m all about my acting classes. I even look forward to them, but this session for some reason, my class has decided to band together and at some point in every scene a guy calls a girl a whore, bitch or slut.

Now, I don’t think I’m a prude and everyone knows that comedy is not politically correct and I am not asking it to be; but this is not cool and worst of all it’s not funny. What I am asking of the scenes is humour. Until one of the guys in my class stands up and does a scene where I am legitimately laughing because of the cleverness of what is being said and not because of how horribly uncomfortable I am, they are not allowed to go to the “whore” place for a laugh. And why is calling a girl a bitch, whore, etc. a life preserver for more than one guy in my class? All I can say is being someone who has been doing improv for a few years now, I have never been in the middle of a scene and out of nowhere called a guy a dick, whore, bastard (which is why I assume the guys think using these words are funny because it has nothing to do with the scene).

I know I’m being preachy but I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I need to know am I being a prude or should I say something next week when someone calls a girl a whore? (and believe me it will happen)

You see my main issue is the boys never refer to any of the other boys in the scenes as these words. I guess it should be either everyone’s being called bitches or no one.

But in the end just do a scene that’s funny and entertains the audience. Damn pricks.

SIDE NOTE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS POST:

Yay! I understand why you're in Instyle now!

A few months ago I wrote a post wondering about the mystery of Michael Sheen. In the post I also wondered why Emmy Rossum was always in magazines being known as an actor. Well I wonder no more. Emmy's in a new Showtime show called Shamelss and she's acting and everything. I can now cross that off the list of "huh?". However, Michael I am still waiting to know what's the what, so c'mon let me know.

How To Miss A Deadline

2011-02-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

Ok. Hi. Sorry. I know I am technically an hour late so I have failed my thirty day challenge, but in Nicaraguan time it is 12:00 am, so I'm only a few minutes late as opposed to an entire hour.
In the theme if my lateness I will quickly describe how to miss a deadline.

1. Wake up at 11am (even though you went to bed at 12). I have an iron deficiency so this is super easy for me. So the only advice I have is give up eating red meat for the sake of this post and your future of sleeping in
2. Meet a friend for lunch. You obviously have to eat (excluding the cast of Gossip Girl and Black Swan) so make the act of eating waste not two but three hours. You'll be surprised at how little amount of time you will have left in the day.
3. Make getting dressed an excruciating task. For example, I had an event to go to tonight and I ended up wearing a black sweater, jeans and high heeled boots. This took me an hour in a half to decide. Maybe I'm alone here but I take forever to decide what to wear even if all I am doing is babysitting. My theory is the longer to you take to get ready the more effortless you look...right?
4. Leave your house ten minutes late for wherever you have to be. If you do this step, you've essentially missed your dealine, making steps 1-3 irrelevant. This step is something I practice everyday. I'm not proud, but like my spelling issues I blame society (stupid society you're why I don't understand grammar).

So by following these for incredibly easy steps you are most definitely on you way to missing that very important deadline.

Thanks for reading
- Classic-Al!

I'm your enemy

How To Host A Talk Show

2011-01-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's Monday morning, I am no longer in school, and I am watching "The View." From the outside eye it seems that I have given up on life, and I would agree with you. However on this particular episode, the mean Republican one, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is saying such gold and it needs to be recorded.

The first topic the ladies were discussing was Miley Cyrus. Ok, I don’t watch “The View” that often, I’ve actually never made it through an entire episode, but these women talk A LOT about Miley Cyrus. Anyways, I tuned in when Elisabeth was saying this,

“Hannah Montana is a really hard show to watch, it’s so confusing, like is she Miley or is she Hannah?”

So Elisabeth, much like the eight year olds who watch the show, has finally figured out what the elusive Hannah Montana is really all about.

Even with the Miley/Hannah statement, I was willing to continue to watch “The View” while my life slipped away, when the topic changed. The women had moved onto Bristol Palin (Again! It’s official, the only “views” on this show are on Mylie Cyrus, the Palins and Elisabeth being offended.) They were speaking about how Bristol wasn’t allowed to speak at a Plan Parenthood conference because she didn’t have a PhD or whatever. The hosts then stated, who better to learn from then from someone who has been through it, like the movie “Scared Straight.” Then Elisabeth said this,

“I remember being in college and a girl told us this story where she got crazy drunk woke up the next morning raped by the cab driver and stuck somewhere in Boston. And you know what? [I thought] I’m going to try really hard not to do that. You know, I might have come close a couple of times though.”

Elisabeth, why are you there? It’s bad enough you got Rosie O’Donnell fired off that show (who is the greatest talk show host ever!) But you don’t really have a point of view. You sort of just say things that are frightening, nonsensical and misinformed. The worst part about this is that these women are supposed to display the thoughts, fears and attitudes of women in North America.

Oh my god. At best these women remind me of how I believe male waiters view groups of women in restaurants.

“Heeey ladies. Oooh, girls night out? Oh you bad, you gonna order the dessert? It’s chocolate.”

I’m taking a stand. We are going to do “The View”. The real view on how women really are. It’s going to be once a week hosted by me at my house. All those that would like to be on the show please comment, facebook or email me. I’m serious. It’s starting next week. Get ready.

I miss Star Jones

Al's Views

2011-01-30T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hi. Day five. Blog-o-mania.

I think every Sunday is now going to be known as "Al's Views," where the reading audience gets an uncensored look into what is in my brain!

Because I babysit all the time I've really started to think about what my thought process was like when I was a kid. This is because sometimes kids say things that blow my mind and also make no sense. Like this morning when I was babysitting, the kid I was watching said, "I'm in a bad mood now. I need to go into my room and put on a pair of pants."
So yeah I'm not sure what the pants, mood correlation is, but here's some of the things that I thought made sense when I was a kid.

I thought throwing up meant you throw a bird up in the air, hence throwing up. The first conscious time I threw up, I was four, and I said to my dad when it was over, "That's what throwing up is!"

Me, my sister Sam, and friend Natalie thought Club Monaco was a club, so one of us would turn the lights on and off while two of us would dance in the room screaming, "Club Monaco."

Every time I would see any sport/dance/activity on television I thought I could do it perfectly. Once after seeing Elvis Stojko skating, I put oil on my feet and skid across the basement floor. My mom cried.

Once when my sister Vanessa was sick, I was jealous that she got to stay home from school, but because I was four I didn't know how to express how I was feeling so I smashed my favourite Disney record over her head.

I also used to chase Vanessa with a fork, I do not remember the motive behind that move.

When I was three we had two kittens named Moe and Sooty. We were going to a picnic one day and I really wanted them to come, but I didn't want my mom to know. So I decided to stick them in the cooler. However because I was worried my mom would see them there, I put them in the tiny section on top of the large lid. I then sat on the lid. Just so you all know I'm not a sociopath, I just wanted the kittens to be a part of my day.

I used to look in the mirror as a six year old and think I had the face of an adult but the teeth of a child, and if I could just hide my teeth everyone would think I was twenty. I would pray at night for adult teeth.

When I got "Pocahontas" for my fifth birthday, I vowed to watch it everyday. And I did. It was like a regime.

Carmen Sandiego was a real person to me.

I believed in the Tooth Fairy more then I have ever believed in anything.

Now you've all learned where the classic in Classic-Al originated. Classic.
Thanks for reading!

One of the few times I was showing love to Vanessa, instead of abusing her

How To Be Lazy

2011-01-29T13:14:00.000-08:00

All right everybody this was the post I was destined to write. I have been practicing my laziness my entire life. If I was as productive as I am lazy I would be Oprah rich right now.

So for all you over achievers out there dig this, I am going to let you in on some super sweet and obviously incredibly easy steps on being the most lazy, sloth, mo-fo you can imagine. So sit down (which I am assume you already are doing in preparation for the lazy) and relax (the key ingredient to lazy) you are gonna get your lazy on.

STEP ONE: Move as little as possible. You're best bet is when you wake up in the morning do not move. However if you have to pee or something, chances are you are going to have to get up. You could use that cup next to your bed but then we're moving into a completely different level of lazy, so baby steps.

STEP TWO: Do you have anything to do today? Yeah, you do most likely, a lot. So the next step involves a mind over matter trick; distract, suppress and distract again.

Example: I have an assignment due on Wednesday. You tell yourself, "Well it is Saturday morning so I could just watch a couple of episodes of Gossip Girl."
Three hours later- "Woah it's 3:54, I feel like I am suppressing a memory of some sort of assignment. Oh well I guess I'll see if Chuck does love Blair."
Two hours later- "He does! Well time to start on my assignment, but watching all that t.v made me want to spend time with people, I'll start tomorrow."

A secret weapon of Step Two is to have an addictive substance in your house that can distract you for hours. Mine is terrible (But secretly amazing) television. Find your own, but nothing too active or academic. So put down that book and stare at the crack in the wall for thirty-eight minutes.

STEP THREE: Don't care. If you master this step you're not being lazy, you are lazy. Lazy is an art form and not caring is the creative fire that starts your piece of work. By not caring you are cementing your status as a true lazy.
Example: You- "I had the best day yesterday!"
   Person- "What did you do?"
   You- "Nothing."
   Person- "You must have done something. Went for a walk, seen people."
   You- "Nope."
   Person- "You seem unabashedly proud of yourself."
   You- "You know it!"

Now there are many small ways in your day to day life where you can add lazy in like a spice. You could constantly use spell check even though you know how to spell the word, you could skip a class that is challenging, or you could talk a lot about what you are going to do in the day but you don't actually do it. This last tip is my most favourite because it really seems like you might be doing something. So you're not only tricking yourself but you're making it seem like your an upstanding member of society to the people around you. It's a win, win!

With these steps and tips you can be lazy in no time at all.

Well this was exhausting, I'm going to sleep.
Thanks for reading!

BTW- In the spirit of lazy I didn't review my writing. How many mistakes can you find?

Jealous?

How To Write A Blog When You Don't Know What To Write

2011-01-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

Blog-a-thon. Day Three.

So I'm pretty embarrassed but it's my third post (yeah I'm using it correctly now Mina! But FYI people get that when I say blog they know it means post so meh!) and I do not know what to post about. So I am leaving it up to the writing gods and writing whatever comes to mind right now.

This morning I spent an hour in a half trying to email pictures and Gmail kept telling me "delivery notice failure permanently". Why? It was the right address, I've emailed pictures a hundred times, and why permanently? It's as if the email is a wine stain on suede. The Gmail people are very forceful in their wording, add that to complete frustration and I want to beat up Google.

Since we're on the Gmail topic, another thing about Gmail that's weird is that the program reads your email and then syncs up what you wrote with websites pertaining to that topic. I don't like it, yet I refuse to leave it. This is because computers scare me. In fact I don't like how my blog looks but I refuse to change it, because computers scare me. Yeah I guess I could count a pretty long list of why computers scare me but I could just let you see this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rya9qaUJfeY&feature=channel . I was trying to find a better show of what that computer can do but I thought it mispronouncing things was funnier and made the machine more likeable, and that in turn, scares me.

Side note- Umm, humans give the computer the knowledge so if Jeopardy doesn't give the computer the knowledge of that night's questions then it will lose. If Jeopardy does give the info, it wins. Why is this worth watching?

So I guess when I run out of ideas my "How To" turns into a groan fest about computers, classy. If you let me groan about one more thing- Damn you Scotia Bank I don't like you yet like this blog I don't leave, could have something to do with fear but I think lazy wins this time. I guess I have tomorrows post in the bag- "How To Be Lazy." And if you thought I knew what I was talking about with "How To Be Crazy" you ain't seen nothing yet.

Thanks for reading!

I Don't Like You

How To Babysit

2011-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hello. Day two. Blog-a-thon.

So yesterday afternoon I was watching, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yeah I'm not proud but it's always on so it’s inevitable. Anyways, like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am now taking care of a jerk seven year old. How do these two relate?

Let me give you some back story on the kid I'm babysitting. He's seven. He verbally abuses me, calling me a moron, maniac, and on more then one occasion "woman," like the way a racist hill-billy would use it. He punches, kicks and threatens to punch me by holding his fist in a stationary manner in front of my face and then turns red. This fake-out punch is the strangest thing I have ever experienced especially because the kid cannot weigh more than thirty pounds. The kid also ignores me when he sees me, and throws his winter jacket and knapsack at me like I’m supposed to carry them like a sherpa. Needless to say, not pleasant.

Now, let me give you some back story on what happened in “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. The clan travels to Las Vegas where Kourtney’s jerk boyfriend and unfortunate baby-daddy gets super drunk. Scott (the bf) begins to verbally abuse those around him, calling Kris Jenner a moron and the girl the Kardashian brother is seeing a “woman” in the hill-billy racist way. He then becomes violent (who doesn’t after a two-four of vodka) kicking the Kardashian brother (who even though he is by blood a Kardashian he just has no place on that show), punching him, and doing this weird fake-out punch to a waiter (Scott then stuffs a hundred dollar bill down the waiters throat). Worst than that, he ignores everyone around him like some sort of sociopathic baby.

Do you see a connection here? The only way I can survive the mean seven-year old is to treat him like a belligerent drunkard. So today when I go to his school to pick him up I will approach him with bouncers (two just in case) and ask him to step off the property. When he refuses such request, I will sit him down and tell him there is another way, handing him AA pamphlets. Hopefully reason at this point will influence the kid’s decision and we’ll be able to walk through the twelve steps as easily as our walk home from school.

So when going to T.V for guidance in child-care, skip “Super Nanny” and watch the Kardashian family for insight on how seven-year olds actually are. Reality T.V has never been so real.

Look to this guy to deal
with this little guy

How To Go Crazy

2011-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

Hello All,
Ok so it is apparent that I truly suck at keeping up with my blog. Like I even wrote a blog about it. I am just going to stop myself right there. I'll write my blog and I'll say something mildly humorous (more so to myself than my audience, sorry) But then that's all. Quite frankly it's taken me twenty minutes to get through this sentence. I blame society. Oh society how you have let me down with my lack of spelling ability and my Tourette's like use of the word like (even in like writing form). However, after a disastrous morning of missed appointments and not reading emails correctly I guess it is now time to turn the blame towards myself.

Dear Myself,
Hi, what's happening? Not much you say. Did you see this weeks Gossip Girl? You did! It was sooo amazing. Chuck Bass is my everything.
Anyways the reason why I'm writing you is because it's time to put the blame on. Yes you have got to put it on yourself my friend. No, no don't blame it on the goose that's got you feelin' loose, it's time to sit down and lady up. You started a blog. People follow it. Ok, a person follows it. You owe it to yourself, and the person to sit down and write your blog so goddammit you are going to do it! You are going to make a vow that for the next thirty days no matter what, you will write something on your blog. I know, I know it's difficult. It seems close to impossible. But nothing's impossible since you have both a desktop and laptop computer. So Alessandra live it, write it, blog it. You have the ability so just do it, ok. And no worries more than one blog can be dedicated to Chuck Bass, obvi.

Ok so that wasn't hard. Now since I have the theme of "How To's" I thought this inaugural blog is the perfect "How To" of "How To Be Crazy". I don't even have to write a "How To" because I'm pretty sure the above statements can be used as some kind of manual. Regardless for a more narrow approach to crazy I'll let you in on my secrets.

I don't want to brag but I have a crazy PhD. I have been cast in not one but three plays where being crazy was in the description of my character. One of the character's names was even "Crazy Pensionne Lady." Oh and in case you're wondering, "Oh that doesn't mean anything she's just a good actress." Thank you, first off, but also in the words of the jerk seven year-old I take care of,
" No offense, but I can tell you would be a bad actor."

I'd say the true factor of my craziness is my inability to stop talking. That can be your first step to crazy town. If you never stop talking then who knows what's going to come out of my mouth, bananas that's what. So never ever stop talking and if people criticize you, you won't be able to hear them because your talking. It's foolproof.

Another helpful step, don't brush your hair. I'm really grateful that this whole bed-head thing is a slight trend because it's the only way I do my hair. Even if I spend hours on my hair I can assure it will look like this

Do you see that faraway look in my eyes? Like my eyes are focusing on something that doesn't exist. That's the goal my friends.

So thanks for reading and get ready because there will be a new blog every day. Can you handle it?

Classic-Al

How To Deal With Awards Season

2010-12-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

My favourite time of year once again is upon us- awards season. With the Golden Globe Nominations released this morning, awards season is officially on. And let's be serious, I know the Spirit Award nods came out last week along with the Critics' Choice picks, but like I always say, "If it didn't happen on T.V, it most likely did not happen."

So, the Golden Globes, so exciting, until you see who was nominated.

The major issue-
Alice in Wonderland was nominated for best Comedy/Musical.

First issue- Alice In Wonderland was neither a comedy or a musical.
Second issue- It was terrible.

So I know that people are going to say, "Film critiquing is so subjective how can you say that?" but in fact let's break down Alice In Wonderland objectively-

Objective Thesis:
OH MY GOD IT WAS SO BORING, I SAW IT IN 3-D AND I WAS DRUNK, YET I STILL FELL ASLEEP. NOT TO MENTION IT WAS THE SECOND TIME ALICE HAD GONE TO WONDERLAND SO THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS HER GOING "OH I THINK I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE".
Objective Property #1: I judge how good a film is, by how hard I try not to fall asleep in it. With Alice in Wonderland, I fell asleep around the time... Ok I do not remember when I fell asleep, it was all one big blur of an extremely pale girl hanging out with a terrifying Johnny Depp (who is also nominated for AIW, along with The Tourist, but do not get me started on that).
Now I know you're thinking, "But Al, you fall asleep during films all the time, that is a classic-al." Regardless! Anyone who goes into a dark room, with comfortable chairs after eating popcorn and doesn't fall asleep is a robot. So no fight was had to stay awake, err go, movie is not good.
Objective Property # 2: Anything in 3-D is slightly more interesting than 2-D it is a tried and true movie making fact. Try watching Avatar in 2-D and tell me how the script was? (Riveting I bet, rumour has it that the other name for Unobtanium was Obviousmethaphorium.)
Yet despite the 3-Dness, AIW could not win me over, along with the eight year old next to me.
Objective Property # 3: Umm, I was drunk. I chose to go pee not once but three times during the movie. My body literally rejected the movie.
Conclusion: Alice In Wonderland is an objectively bad movie. Yet it is a multiple nominee.

Oh Golden Globes, there are so many issues it's hard to nail one down. Burlesque was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were nominated for Love and Other Drugs, yet you did not nominate the Dad in Modern Family. What is going on? There was a time when the obviousness of production companies buying the nominations were subtle. What happened to class? Throw in a big budget film or and A-list actor but make sure that people actually liked the movie/performance.
The Kraken in Clash of the Titans clearly does not have the same manager as Anne Hathaway, because its performance at the very least was believable.

So this year, when navigating through the many ups and downs of this awards season remember you can't always get what you want (unless you are the Weinsteins, Tim Burtons' people, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Mark Wahlberg or Amy Adams) But you can get a pretty good show out of it.

How To Keep Up With A Blog

2010-12-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hello again, it's been months. I'm sure you're thinking, "Oh I thought this blog was finished, and "Only three entries? Well at least she tried." But I'm back baby, with a very informative and true to life entry- "How To Keep Up With A Blog."

So you have decided to start a blog, good for you. You want to have an outlet for all of your creativity and know how. You're excited, check. You're enthusiastic, check. You're brimming with ideas, check. However are you aware that the internet is filled with distractions? It's true! Once you open that dream box known as your computer with the intention of writing that first foray into blogging, you realize something- I should check my email. After seeing that only Sephora and a friend whose email account has been hacked into by a virus has emailed you, you begin to type in your blog's website address. But wait, what goes hand in hand with checking emails? Checking Facebook. Uh-oh, now you're in for it. Some girl with good hair "liked" a photo of your new crush. Now your are obliged to Facebook creep her for at least twenty-five minutes. Four hours have passed and you have not started your blog.

Even with these distractions, do not feel discouraged. Accept that the computer is always entertaining/life ruining (I'm talking to you thick long haired girl!) and push through. What is helpful is to add an extra hour to your writing time, that way you are never over schedule. Don't have that kind of time? Let's be serious you're writing a blog, do you even have a job?

Unfortunately the computer is not your only distraction: You're hungry, your corner store has started selling good quality bootlegged movies, writing is hard, you have friends, you need money, you need fresh air, you need a more comfortable chair, your eyes hurt, a song in blasting in your head but you can only remember two words, your sister keeps punching you in the arm, your cat is staring at you (like STARING at you), perezhilton.com, making the ultimate blog writing playlist, your hungry, stumble upon, someone outside your window slipped on ice and fell. The real issue is not the distraction, but the need. Do you need to write a blog? Probably not, but disappoint all four of your followers? I don't think so!!!

So sit down, plough through the distractions, and type. Your blog is waiting for you, just get there.

- Classic-Al

Is this girl's Facebook activity preventing your blog writing ability?

E-Huh? How To Travel With Your Parents As An Adult

2010-10-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Travelling is a remarkable experience, that can truly enrich the relationships with those that you have chosen to travel with. But what happens when that choice is your parents?

Yes I love my parents, and in thirty years I will look back and think wow, what a remarkable thing to have travelled with them for three weeks in Europe. As an idea, travelling with the parental-units is glorious. Literally spending 21 days with them in an enclosed space is tricky. Here are some How To's in navigating what seems like the impossible.

First How: How to get to sleep at night. Unless your rich, travelling with your parents means you have to share a hotel room. Now, I don't want to generalize things but it seems that most people over fifty snore. What do you do? Unfortunately ear plugs are out of the question because THEY DON'T WORK. If someone could explain to me how sleeping with a squished piece of plastic in your ear, is not only comfortable, but does not slowly move in the night like there is a tiny, fat insect in your ear I would like to hear it (seriously, could you recommend a brand or something).
The real trick for getting a quiet night's sleep is making a kind of fort with your pillow. This way the pillow covers the ears but not the nose or mouth. Unfortunately, you may experience dreams of smothering.
If you still cannot wrap your head around sleeping with a pillow balanced ever so slightly above you ear, one can make a game of the noises coming out of your parents' sinuses. To the untrained ear a snore may sound like an irritating grumble. But to the snore connoisseur it can sound like the base line to "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. Now you can ease yourself into sleep with the funky listening styles of Kool and his sick beats.

Second How: How to do what you want to do. Travelling with anyone is definitely a compromise, but with your parents it is a dictatorship. No fear, you can do what you want as long as you adjust the idea of what it is you want to do. For example, your mother wants to go into another church and your father want to go into another "European" supermarket. What do you do? (and no the correct answer is not to shoot yourself.) The answer is to grow as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So slap on a smile and say "Yes, I totally want to see another terrifying Jesus picture, where his eyes follow you and his wounds glow." And "Yes, It is amazing that cheese in Rome is much more inexpensive than in Canada, fascinating." As long as you say yes, you might actually start to enjoy what you're doing. (Keep in mind for longer than a month of travel, your soul may be crushed so use with discretion.)

Third How: How to remain "cool." Ok, so I am not the smoothest person, but I still believe that my age alone gives me the power to be somewhat hip. However after weeks of having conversations with your parents about the fact that your father has nose hair, your grip on what is current begins to waver. The only advice I can offer is, this too shall pass. Hold onto your core and know who you are. You may feel your "coolness" being tested when you pass by clothing stores and think, hey sweet sweater-vest. Or that when hanging out with friends, you try to explain to them that 1960's Italo-Folk/Pop is actually kind of good. FIGHT THAT FEELING. Go home listen to really offensive rap, and then watch six episodes of The Jersey Shore. Don't worry, soon enough you will be back to normal.

With these simple steps you will be saying yes, looking cool and sleeping soundly; the makings of any great voyage. So next vacation before you want to have a good time think, hey maybe I want to invite my parents along.

Bon Voyage and Thanks.
-Classic-Al

Could You Survive Three Weeks With Them?

E-Are You Kidding Me? The Mystery of Michael Sheen

2010-10-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

I am sure you are all waiting with breath that is baited for my next "How To" (Hint, it's a good one). But as I was reading the paper this morning, something distracted me from the comics. Canadian sweetheart Rachel McAdams is dating British thespian Michael Sheen. Good for them, this pleases me, but I have to say Michael Sheen, who are you... really?!

Ok so this is the same guy who is the baby daddy to Kate Beckinsale. Kate Beckinsale is a goddess woman and Michael Sheen... he's a'ight.

So like I've seen about five of Mike's movies (most notably, he was the Frost in Frost/Nixon) and he is a solid performer. He is very talented, obviously, but cute? I don't like to be negative but I don't get it. But I really want to.

I am not closed minded. I believe that there is a very cute, dare I say handsome, and sexually attractive man that dates these very beautiful women. Listen, I am no stranger to the inexplicable crush (Conan O'Brien, say word) and I'd like to think I am not a shallow person and I resent you for inferring that.

So, Michael Sheen, convince me. I fall in love with guys in movies all the time. I am a (classy) movie crush-skank but I need to know, why are you attractive? The not knowing factor is what is killing me. The same goes for Joy Bryant, Camilla Belle, and Emmy Rossum- Why are you girls always in magazines with a picture and a description of "actor" written under the picture? WHEN DO YOU ACT? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU DO.

So basically if I could get all of us in a room sometime (Michael, Joy, Camilla and Emmy) we could just straighten this whole thing out (Especially you, Joy. Emmy and Camilla worked as children). Now, I know Michael is Toronto-bound, so that's easy enough; maybe I'll hold an "Actor's Convention" at my house and the girls will come, because apparently they are actors.

Anyways let's just figure out this debacle and then we can move on to the whole F-word Justin Bieber thing.

Thanks,

Classic-Al