My favourite time of year once again is upon us- awards season. With the Golden Globe Nominations released this morning, awards season is officially on. And let's be serious, I know the Spirit Award nods came out last week along with the Critics' Choice picks, but like I always say, "If it didn't happen on T.V, it most likely did not happen."
So, the Golden Globes, so exciting, until you see who was nominated.
The major issue-
Alice in Wonderland was nominated for best Comedy/Musical.
First issue- Alice In Wonderland was neither a comedy or a musical.
Second issue- It was terrible.
So I know that people are going to say, "Film critiquing is so subjective how can you say that?" but in fact let's break down Alice In Wonderland objectively-
Objective Thesis:
OH MY GOD IT WAS SO BORING, I SAW IT IN 3-D AND I WAS DRUNK, YET I STILL FELL ASLEEP. NOT TO MENTION IT WAS THE SECOND TIME ALICE HAD GONE TO WONDERLAND SO THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS HER GOING "OH I THINK I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE".
Objective Property #1: I judge how good a film is, by how hard I try not to fall asleep in it. With Alice in Wonderland, I fell asleep around the time... Ok I do not remember when I fell asleep, it was all one big blur of an extremely pale girl hanging out with a terrifying Johnny Depp (who is also nominated for AIW, along with The Tourist, but do not get me started on that).
Now I know you're thinking, "But Al, you fall asleep during films all the time, that is a classic-al." Regardless! Anyone who goes into a dark room, with comfortable chairs after eating popcorn and doesn't fall asleep is a robot. So no fight was had to stay awake, err go, movie is not good.
Objective Property # 2: Anything in 3-D is slightly more interesting than 2-D it is a tried and true movie making fact. Try watching Avatar in 2-D and tell me how the script was? (Riveting I bet, rumour has it that the other name for Unobtanium was Obviousmethaphorium.)
Yet despite the 3-Dness, AIW could not win me over, along with the eight year old next to me.
Objective Property # 3: Umm, I was drunk. I chose to go pee not once but three times during the movie. My body literally rejected the movie.
Conclusion: Alice In Wonderland is an objectively bad movie. Yet it is a multiple nominee.
Oh Golden Globes, there are so many issues it's hard to nail one down. Burlesque was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were nominated for Love and Other Drugs, yet you did not nominate the Dad in Modern Family. What is going on? There was a time when the obviousness of production companies buying the nominations were subtle. What happened to class? Throw in a big budget film or and A-list actor but make sure that people actually liked the movie/performance.
The Kraken in Clash of the Titans clearly does not have the same manager as Anne Hathaway, because its performance at the very least was believable.
So this year, when navigating through the many ups and downs of this awards season remember you can't always get what you want (unless you are the Weinsteins, Tim Burtons' people, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Mark Wahlberg or Amy Adams) But you can get a pretty good show out of it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
How To Keep Up With A Blog
Hello again, it's been months. I'm sure you're thinking, "Oh I thought this blog was finished, and "Only three entries? Well at least she tried." But I'm back baby, with a very informative and true to life entry- "How To Keep Up With A Blog."
So you have decided to start a blog, good for you. You want to have an outlet for all of your creativity and know how. You're excited, check. You're enthusiastic, check. You're brimming with ideas, check. However are you aware that the internet is filled with distractions? It's true! Once you open that dream box known as your computer with the intention of writing that first foray into blogging, you realize something- I should check my email. After seeing that only Sephora and a friend whose email account has been hacked into by a virus has emailed you, you begin to type in your blog's website address. But wait, what goes hand in hand with checking emails? Checking Facebook. Uh-oh, now you're in for it. Some girl with good hair "liked" a photo of your new crush. Now your are obliged to Facebook creep her for at least twenty-five minutes. Four hours have passed and you have not started your blog.
Even with these distractions, do not feel discouraged. Accept that the computer is always entertaining/life ruining (I'm talking to you thick long haired girl!) and push through. What is helpful is to add an extra hour to your writing time, that way you are never over schedule. Don't have that kind of time? Let's be serious you're writing a blog, do you even have a job?
Unfortunately the computer is not your only distraction: You're hungry, your corner store has started selling good quality bootlegged movies, writing is hard, you have friends, you need money, you need fresh air, you need a more comfortable chair, your eyes hurt, a song in blasting in your head but you can only remember two words, your sister keeps punching you in the arm, your cat is staring at you (like STARING at you), perezhilton.com, making the ultimate blog writing playlist, your hungry, stumble upon, someone outside your window slipped on ice and fell. The real issue is not the distraction, but the need. Do you need to write a blog? Probably not, but disappoint all four of your followers? I don't think so!!!
So sit down, plough through the distractions, and type. Your blog is waiting for you, just get there.
- Classic-Al
So you have decided to start a blog, good for you. You want to have an outlet for all of your creativity and know how. You're excited, check. You're enthusiastic, check. You're brimming with ideas, check. However are you aware that the internet is filled with distractions? It's true! Once you open that dream box known as your computer with the intention of writing that first foray into blogging, you realize something- I should check my email. After seeing that only Sephora and a friend whose email account has been hacked into by a virus has emailed you, you begin to type in your blog's website address. But wait, what goes hand in hand with checking emails? Checking Facebook. Uh-oh, now you're in for it. Some girl with good hair "liked" a photo of your new crush. Now your are obliged to Facebook creep her for at least twenty-five minutes. Four hours have passed and you have not started your blog.
Even with these distractions, do not feel discouraged. Accept that the computer is always entertaining/life ruining (I'm talking to you thick long haired girl!) and push through. What is helpful is to add an extra hour to your writing time, that way you are never over schedule. Don't have that kind of time? Let's be serious you're writing a blog, do you even have a job?
Unfortunately the computer is not your only distraction: You're hungry, your corner store has started selling good quality bootlegged movies, writing is hard, you have friends, you need money, you need fresh air, you need a more comfortable chair, your eyes hurt, a song in blasting in your head but you can only remember two words, your sister keeps punching you in the arm, your cat is staring at you (like STARING at you), perezhilton.com, making the ultimate blog writing playlist, your hungry, stumble upon, someone outside your window slipped on ice and fell. The real issue is not the distraction, but the need. Do you need to write a blog? Probably not, but disappoint all four of your followers? I don't think so!!!
So sit down, plough through the distractions, and type. Your blog is waiting for you, just get there.
- Classic-Al
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| Is this girl's Facebook activity preventing your blog writing ability? |
Monday, October 25, 2010
E-Huh? How To Travel With Your Parents As An Adult
Travelling is a remarkable experience, that can truly enrich the relationships with those that you have chosen to travel with. But what happens when that choice is your parents?
Yes I love my parents, and in thirty years I will look back and think wow, what a remarkable thing to have travelled with them for three weeks in Europe. As an idea, travelling with the parental-units is glorious. Literally spending 21 days with them in an enclosed space is tricky. Here are some How To's in navigating what seems like the impossible.
First How: How to get to sleep at night. Unless your rich, travelling with your parents means you have to share a hotel room. Now, I don't want to generalize things but it seems that most people over fifty snore. What do you do? Unfortunately ear plugs are out of the question because THEY DON'T WORK. If someone could explain to me how sleeping with a squished piece of plastic in your ear, is not only comfortable, but does not slowly move in the night like there is a tiny, fat insect in your ear I would like to hear it (seriously, could you recommend a brand or something).
The real trick for getting a quiet night's sleep is making a kind of fort with your pillow. This way the pillow covers the ears but not the nose or mouth. Unfortunately, you may experience dreams of smothering.
If you still cannot wrap your head around sleeping with a pillow balanced ever so slightly above you ear, one can make a game of the noises coming out of your parents' sinuses. To the untrained ear a snore may sound like an irritating grumble. But to the snore connoisseur it can sound like the base line to "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. Now you can ease yourself into sleep with the funky listening styles of Kool and his sick beats.
Second How: How to do what you want to do. Travelling with anyone is definitely a compromise, but with your parents it is a dictatorship. No fear, you can do what you want as long as you adjust the idea of what it is you want to do. For example, your mother wants to go into another church and your father want to go into another "European" supermarket. What do you do? (and no the correct answer is not to shoot yourself.) The answer is to grow as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So slap on a smile and say "Yes, I totally want to see another terrifying Jesus picture, where his eyes follow you and his wounds glow." And "Yes, It is amazing that cheese in Rome is much more inexpensive than in Canada, fascinating." As long as you say yes, you might actually start to enjoy what you're doing. (Keep in mind for longer than a month of travel, your soul may be crushed so use with discretion.)
Third How: How to remain "cool." Ok, so I am not the smoothest person, but I still believe that my age alone gives me the power to be somewhat hip. However after weeks of having conversations with your parents about the fact that your father has nose hair, your grip on what is current begins to waver. The only advice I can offer is, this too shall pass. Hold onto your core and know who you are. You may feel your "coolness" being tested when you pass by clothing stores and think, hey sweet sweater-vest. Or that when hanging out with friends, you try to explain to them that 1960's Italo-Folk/Pop is actually kind of good. FIGHT THAT FEELING. Go home listen to really offensive rap, and then watch six episodes of The Jersey Shore. Don't worry, soon enough you will be back to normal.
With these simple steps you will be saying yes, looking cool and sleeping soundly; the makings of any great voyage. So next vacation before you want to have a good time think, hey maybe I want to invite my parents along.
Bon Voyage and Thanks.
-Classic-Al
Yes I love my parents, and in thirty years I will look back and think wow, what a remarkable thing to have travelled with them for three weeks in Europe. As an idea, travelling with the parental-units is glorious. Literally spending 21 days with them in an enclosed space is tricky. Here are some How To's in navigating what seems like the impossible.
First How: How to get to sleep at night. Unless your rich, travelling with your parents means you have to share a hotel room. Now, I don't want to generalize things but it seems that most people over fifty snore. What do you do? Unfortunately ear plugs are out of the question because THEY DON'T WORK. If someone could explain to me how sleeping with a squished piece of plastic in your ear, is not only comfortable, but does not slowly move in the night like there is a tiny, fat insect in your ear I would like to hear it (seriously, could you recommend a brand or something).
The real trick for getting a quiet night's sleep is making a kind of fort with your pillow. This way the pillow covers the ears but not the nose or mouth. Unfortunately, you may experience dreams of smothering.
If you still cannot wrap your head around sleeping with a pillow balanced ever so slightly above you ear, one can make a game of the noises coming out of your parents' sinuses. To the untrained ear a snore may sound like an irritating grumble. But to the snore connoisseur it can sound like the base line to "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. Now you can ease yourself into sleep with the funky listening styles of Kool and his sick beats.
Second How: How to do what you want to do. Travelling with anyone is definitely a compromise, but with your parents it is a dictatorship. No fear, you can do what you want as long as you adjust the idea of what it is you want to do. For example, your mother wants to go into another church and your father want to go into another "European" supermarket. What do you do? (and no the correct answer is not to shoot yourself.) The answer is to grow as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So slap on a smile and say "Yes, I totally want to see another terrifying Jesus picture, where his eyes follow you and his wounds glow." And "Yes, It is amazing that cheese in Rome is much more inexpensive than in Canada, fascinating." As long as you say yes, you might actually start to enjoy what you're doing. (Keep in mind for longer than a month of travel, your soul may be crushed so use with discretion.)
Third How: How to remain "cool." Ok, so I am not the smoothest person, but I still believe that my age alone gives me the power to be somewhat hip. However after weeks of having conversations with your parents about the fact that your father has nose hair, your grip on what is current begins to waver. The only advice I can offer is, this too shall pass. Hold onto your core and know who you are. You may feel your "coolness" being tested when you pass by clothing stores and think, hey sweet sweater-vest. Or that when hanging out with friends, you try to explain to them that 1960's Italo-Folk/Pop is actually kind of good. FIGHT THAT FEELING. Go home listen to really offensive rap, and then watch six episodes of The Jersey Shore. Don't worry, soon enough you will be back to normal.
With these simple steps you will be saying yes, looking cool and sleeping soundly; the makings of any great voyage. So next vacation before you want to have a good time think, hey maybe I want to invite my parents along.
Bon Voyage and Thanks.
-Classic-Al
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| Could You Survive Three Weeks With Them? |
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over
Traveling can be an exciting, adventurous and life altering journey. Seeing the world can change a life. But what about that first step?
No I don't mean choosing the destination- too fun!
And no I don't mean raising the money- apparently people can travel with very little funds (If this is you, please email me and explain how.) [I might steal that idea for my next "How To," for example, "How To Travel Cheaply," if you don't mind.] {But if you do mind, don't email me and then get all upset suing me, claiming I stole your intellectual property, because I will cite precedence regarding that Da Vinci Code lawsuit, so relax!}
What I mean is, you have the ticket and to your dismay you have a stop-over!
From my experience a stop-over seems like a drag, but it can be a journey within itself.
First How: How long is the stop-over?
If it's under two hours, I'm sorry but you've missed your flight. Refer to my other "How To" guide- " How Not to Cry In Public."
If the stop-over is over three hours, hurry the hell up. ALWAYS check if your bags are going to your final destination when you are checking in at you original departure. Ask twice. Then three times. You will be surprised at how unhelpful the woman or man at the counter will be, so be sure to get a firm answer.
Once your baggage issue has been settled, don't relax just yet- is your connection happening anywhere in North America? Congratulations you get to wait in line for customs. I know you're thinking, " But wait I haven't travelled anywhere yet. Just from point A to Point B to try to eventually get to Point C." No worries though, this thought can be answered by my other "How To" guide, "How To Skip Ahead in Line." (Hint, be a little girl.)
After that ordeal, you get to go another counter and print out your plane tickets for your actual destination. I'm sure you're wondering why the airline worker didn't just print that ticket at your departure time, when you arrived at the airport with the proper time allotment. But why should they, you have some time now and if you're travelling with small children, the energy to wait in another line. (Note: If you are not the small child, my "How To Skip Ahead In Line" guide is most likely of no use and yes your passport is at the very bottom of the diaper bag, probably inside of a diaper.)
Yes, you've made it... Oh my, wrong again it's security, but by this time you're in a complete sweat so your clothes have already been removed for proper inspection.
Now you're all done except for that last little treat of getting to your gate. Oops, wait where do you think your going the gates in another terminal, take the train that's up to the stairs and right, stage right so really your left.
Hurray you made it and the plane has just started boarding, all right everything can settle. You can ease into your economy class seating between the coughing gentleman with the shakes and a woman who has to pee.
After all that rushing your mind is at ease and you will now arrive at you choice destination (and most likely your bags. Possibly, perhaps. Ok don't worry they'll be there.) Now take a breath and enjoy the three hour wait on the tarmac. If the wait seems slightly frustrating, refer to my most recent "How To" "How to Not Bother Flight Attendants."
Thanks for your time and Bon Voyage!
-Classic-Al
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| Don't worry to switch planes, you have to land first! |
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