How To Say Happy Birthday

Bonjour! Today is my bff/blog contributer Krystyna K's 23rd birthday so just wanna shout out HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Some great "How To's" Krystyna has brought us are:
"How To Make Tulips Grow Straight" and
"How To Respond To Someone Who Has Told You They Have Seen God".
Thanks for all your contributions and friendship. Krystyna K you put the "kuh" sound in "Kuhlassic-Al".

So yesterday I couldn't get to the computer because I was at the hospital all day.
My father as some of you may know is a super hypochondriac (yes if he was a super hero hypochondria would be his power, and dressing like a lesbian gym teacher would be his costume).
I like to call him the old Italian man who cried wolf, or lupo if you will.
Unfortunately yesterday the wolf came. He's fine now but he did have two blockages in his arteries so they had to perform a procedure on him.

I am dumbfounded. This is a man who exercises every day (and makes you feel guilty if you don't), doesn't eat fatty foods, doesn't drink, and doesn't smoke. How does he get blockages?
This is all very worrisome to me. I exercise but I counteract that work with candy, and drinking like every other human being I know.
I fear that I may have a heartattack.
And all that fear I had about my father has travelled it's way back to me. But that's how it goes, right? Because isn't that why people truly hate hospitals? Hospitals are terrible for many reasons, but the whole time you're thinking either, "Good thing I'm not sick", or "Ahh, I don't want to be sick". You immediately draw the attention right back to yourself. You see someone with a cold, what's your first reaction? If you're nice probably, "Oh poor guy", but if you're like ninety percent of the population you're thinking, "Oh don't get me sick".

We're a selfish population, but I'm not judging. I'm crazy time selfish.
I have a blog where I put my thoughts and then essentially force people to read them.
Since school ended I haven't read a book that has enhanced my learning in anyway, because I don't do things I don't want to do anymore (it was my one out of school rule).
Last year I read Nietzsche and "Crime and Punishment". This year I've read Tim Gunn's "Book of Style" and not one but both of Russel Brand's "Booky Wooks". 

I guess what I'm trying to say is yay dad's ok, yay it's Krystyna's B-day and yay I'm selfish (well not yay, but I needed it to be symmetrical sentence. Sadly, the selfish word killed the rhyme but that's how selfish rolls, it don't got time for a ABA rhyming scheme).

Anyways thanks for reading!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

How To Remember

Today is the one year anniversary of my Nonna's (grandmother) passing. So I'm not really in a light "How To" sort of mood.
So here is a song I like right now with a setting that I think goes well with the song. Please play at the same time. Miss you Nonna!
See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading

Al's Views 9

Ola. I'm in a not Toronto state of mind.
I keep viewing foreign films so that I can imagine for an hour, or so, that I don't live the saddest looking place in Canada (yah that's right I said it Southern Ontario, not a scenic area. Disagree? Go North on Bathurst way past Steels). However I keep being disappointed.

I saw Biutiful which was set in Barcelona, great film, not very scenic though. It shows all the places you wouldn't want to go in Spain. It's like The Vice Guide To Travel: Barcelona Edition, if there was one. Example: If you ever wonder where the sweat shops are in Barcelona, you get a tour of them in this movie (isn't it funny that movie is the word we use for films. It's the equivalent of saying talkie. I think I'm gonna bring back that term, talkie. Oh boy what a talkie I saw last night! Yeah, I like it).

Then last night I went to see a talkie called Certified Copy. I knew nothing of it except that The Toronto Star gave it four stars, Juliet Binoche won a Best Actress award at Cannes, and it is set in Tuscany. Plus they speak French, English and Italian. I was very excited.

Ever since I visited Italy last year, I'm all about seeing it on film. The cool thing about Italian scenery is that it does not need exaggeration. You know how sometimes you see things on film and then in real life it's quite underwhelming. Well Italy is the opposite. You can't begin to show how breath-taking amazingly stupid pretty it all is on film. Movies/talkies capture very limited views of Italia, in comparison. But are still worth-while, apparently.

So I was all up for this film/talkie, until it started. I do not know what movie/talkie the reviewer and everyone at Cannes was watching but it was so pretentiously unwatchable.
There were only two actors in it and the man character was poo. It took a while to understand how bad he was because he was speaking various languages throughout so I thought maybe it was a character choice to be a bad actor but no, he was just poo.
I don't want to judge (but I will and I do, often) but you'd think at the age of fifty plus you would get better as an actor by default, you know experience etc, but not this guy. I do not want to know what he was like acting-wise at twenty.
The worst part was all the camera shots were tight so you couldn't see the background, which the characters made constant reference to. The scene that I walked out on was the two actors discussing the beauty of a sculpture in front of them, but the movie only showed the feet of the art. Ack. This was after an hour of this kind of torture so I left. I usually stay to the end of movies but nerts to that.

So I am going to try one more talkie tonight. I rented something called Late August- Early September. It's French, it has the guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and it BEST be showing some good scenery (and romance, I want to be swept away dammit!), or else I guess I'm going to have to leave the country. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading!

You better be worth it!

How To Not Spell

So I have made reference to this before but I cannot spell. I have said many times that society is to blame. But I'm not here to play the blame game. I'm here to write a list of words I cannot spell and see if it makes a poem, kind of like that magnetic poetry thing.

List of Words I Cannot Spell
Recommend
Answer
Malcolm
Unconsciously
Confetti
Suicide
Psychology
Psycho
Psychiatrist
Psychic
Teriyaki
Irkutsk
Residual
Inconvenient 
Pieces 
Pisces 


There are definitely more but I think this is enough for an ample poem. Now I will pick words at random by shutting my eyes and pointing at the screen.

Buddy Can You Spell A Dime

An original poem by Alessandra Vite

Pisces answer psychiatrist.

Pieces confetti psycho suicide.

 Residual inconvenient teriyaki, Irkutsk

Psychic Malcolm unconsciously recommend psychology.

This has been an original poem by Alessandra Vite
Thanks for reading!

This is my poetic alter-ego: Alessandra Vite 

How To Be Manipulative (In A Good Way-ish)

So today I tricked the kid I babysit into doing his homework. I told him that if he wrote half a page of his journal entry, I would write a page and a half on my fingernails in the same amount of time. 

He said it couldn't be done. Little does he know I blog about insignificant things everyday. So I can write a page and a half about anything whether it be nails or eyelashes (which will be my next trick in getting him to do his spelling). 

However the kid always always gets a leg up because as we were in the middle of this "bet", he made another wager causing me to pay him a dollar a day for the next week. 

I don't know how he did this. 

Anyways here is a manifesto on my fingernails.

Fingernails

I don't really understand why I always bite my nails. I get expensive manicures to correct this habit but I end up biting them unconsciously.
Isn't it weird how you do things without realizing that you have done them. No other animal in the world does this. You never see seagulls mindlessly plucking out their feather. You don't see flies gnawing on their wings.
It's unsettling that I have this habit at all. If you really break it down it is literally a filthy habit. Throughout the day I touch everything from scratching the back of my ear to unconsciously (once again) scratching off a bottle's label.
I am a serious fidgeter. Even as I write this I have an urge to tear at the little bits of paper sticking off the sides of the page. Actually nothing would give me more pleasure than to tear out each page of this notebook methodically into small, little pieces. Like confetti. If human beings had that job I would be an unbelievably happy confetti maker.
However back to nail biting. It's a vicious cycle because I bite my nails to calm myself, but seeing my mangled digits stresses me to no end.
Well I don't get completely stressed, I have a life. A life that revolves around fingernails.
So I won't abuse my nails by biting them. I'll treat them with the utmost respect. My fingernails- it's a love and hate thing.

This is what the kid wrote at the same time

Pillow Fighting

I like to play pillow fighting. I usually play with Malcolm and Ethan.
We play everyman for himself.
I always win because I have the best pillow and the best moves.
When we pillow fight we say, "Are you cussing with me?!"

I have pillow fought with the boy and both his moves and pillow are sweet. And I do cuss wit' him!

Thanks for reading!

What do you think is harder to write about?

How To Lift A Weight Off Your Shoulders

I did it! No didn't pass my G1, nope didn't get an acting job, nope haven't started looking into other job possibilities, I cleaned my closet.

Last month I was complaining about how my closet was a disaster (my clothes looked like debris from a plane crash), but I didn't want to clean it because cleaning it would mean I'd have to put up a pole so I could hang my clothes and that would mean I'd have to measure my closet, buy a pole, empty out my closet, place the pole and then put my closet all back together again. This seemed like waaay too complicated a task.
So I began to ignore my room. I was literally living in bedroom denial. I would only make my bed and make sure no clothes were on the ground. Other than that I would completely neglect the desk and closet area, which was slowly turning Grey Gardensesque.

Anyways, today I was given an unexpected day off so I had no choice but to just deal with it.
And I did.
It took three hours.
I hated every minute of it.
I don't recommend this.
However it does feel nice to see my clean hanging closet where I have access to my clothes. But now I have awakened an avalanche. I have to continue cleaning my room. I need to clear out my bookshelf and empty out my desk. This is one very tiny room. I do not want to know what my house will be like.

I think I'll become a Buddhist and not believe in things. Then I'll never have to clean again. Well stay tuned for my next entry of "How To Be  Buddhist", it's gonna be a goody (If I still have my computer).

Thanks for reading!

I wish my closet had this much room!

How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo?

Hello. I love the "Would You Rather" game. I have spent hours of my childhood/most of my adult life playing this game.
My usual go-to for this game is, "Would you rather kiss a goat? And I mean kiss a goat. Get all up in that goat's face! Or humanely kill it?" People hate answering this question because we all know the answer. And just for the sake of discreetness the answer lies in my jerk flavoured meal last night that I ate without guilt or making out with a goat.
But this "Would You Rather" is brought to you by Anisa K (miss you mon amis!).

All right all you mid-nineties R&B girl group lovin' ladies (and three boys), it's time to figure out the age old question of who would you rather date, a Scrub or a Bug-a-boo.

So definition time:

A Scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly and is also known as a Buster, always talkin about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.
The term was coined by either T-Boz, Chili, or Lisa (Left-Eye) Lopez (I like how Left-Eye gets a last name. Makes her more real, also R.I.P).

A Bug-a-boo is a little more complicated. He's the type of guy that makes you wanna throw your pager out the window, tell MCI to cut the phone calls, break my lease so I can move, you're buggin' me and can't you see that ain't cool.
This term was coined by Beyonce (There's just no way that the other four had anything to do with it).

So I guess you have a choice to make, do you want a man that does too much or one that does nothing at all.
Now in my opinion a take charge kind of guy makes me feel lazy. Scrubs seem more my speed. In fact me and Scrubs have a lot in common.

Things Scrubs and I have in common:
He hangs out the passenger side of his best friend's ride.
I do that! I can't drive a car and after failing my G1 this week (By one ok! Don't judge), I assume I never will.
If you live at home wit' yo momma, oh yes Scrub I'm talkin to you.
I do live at home with my momma! In fact she's sitting on the couch right now trying to understand what I'm writing about, and she doesn't.
Actually I'm starting to think this post has a limited fan-base but I'm pretty this entire blog is limited. It's written by a Scrub after all!
[Sidenote: Maybe Classic-Al should take that clear NZT pill from that film Limitless and make my blog into just having potential into fulfilling potential... I'd be Limitless! Also I think the film's real title should be Potential {say it in a whisper}]

Wanna get with me with no money.
I don't really wanna get with you, but I do have no money!
Wow, I'm a Scrub. But I ain't alone. There's so many of us that a song was written, so I'm in good company.

As for a Bug-a-boo, man this guy gets shit done!


Bug-a-boo Qualities
It's not hot that when in blockin' your phone number you call me from over your best friends house.
That takes two things- creativity and shamelessness. Well I'm full of shame so count me out!
 
And it's not hot that I can't even go out with my girlfriends 
without you trackin' me down.
This also takes two things- Sherlock Holmes like skills and driving ability. Score one for the Scrubs again!

So in the game of "Would you rather", I'll take a Scrub please.
Who would you rather?

Thanks for reading!