How To Review: Gossip Girl

Hey all. So last night's episode was a doozy. (Side note: While trying to figure out what date the season finale of Gossip Girl is on I stumbled on many, many other GG reviews. It was unsettling. But mine are better, right? RIGHT?)

Anyhow I watched the fist half of the episode with my mother, who, after twenty minutes said,
"This is just a soap opera with barbie dolls" and left.
However in Gossip Girl's defence my mom thinks everything on television (with the exception of the dearly departed Larry King Live) is a soap opera. She once called The Larry Sanders Show a soap opera. So I'm beginning to think that television shows with plots in her mind qualify as soap operas.

But at the same time I definitely understand where she's coming from, the first half of the episode sucked. It had weird lighting, was musicless, and Serena and Nate acted in it.
However the second half was ridic!
(Personal note: Vanessa stop reading. I give away everything that's Chuck related. But don't worry no mention of any other storyline, because, well I just don't care.)

First of all Chuck had a beard and was literally drunk the entire episode! It was magical .
Sadly he shaved the fuzz when he went to go fight for Blair. Unfortunately whilst he was shaving he forgot to get sober and just pissed Blair right off.
He also tried to rape Blair in the last two minutes of the show. It was intense, and a classic Chuck move. The attempted-rape count for this character has now reached three.
Man alive Chuck, I love you, you know I do, but rape is never the answer, no matter what.

Now Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco and Chuck seems suicidal.
There are just two episodes left, how will Chuck and Blair get back together? (It's like a math problem for sad single girls)
Well from my many hours of marathoning Gossip Girl I think I know exactly how it will go down.

Classic-Al's Estimation of How the Last Two Minutes of The Gossip Girl Season Four Finale Will Go Down

Setting: 
The entire episode is going to try really hard to make you believe that Blair is married to the Prince and moving to Paris.
It's also going to try to make you think that Chuck is either: dead, slutting it up, or that he hates Blair.

Then in the last two minutes this song will come on (please play simultaneously with the below dialogue)

Blair will run to find Chuck (because Chuck doesn't come to you, you go to Chuck) who is about to get on his private jet.

BLAIR: Chuck! (in a high pitched voice about to crack from sadness)

CHUCK: Blair? (In the raspy whisper of a scotch drinking jaguar)

BLAIR: Where are you going?

CHUCK: To my private country, Chuckatoria Bassland. I thought you married the prince?

BLAIR: I couldn't do it. Your Chuck Bass and I love you.

CHUCK: I am Chuck Bass, and I l..lo...l.. I can't say it.

BLAIR: I left royalty for you! Just say it dammit!

CHUCK: I love you.

Then this song will play

So just two more weeks until the finale!!!
And just two more Gossip Girl Reviews, which are you sadder about?
Thanks for reading!