How To Host A Talk Show

It's Monday morning, I am no longer in school, and I am watching "The View." From the outside eye it seems that I have given up on life, and I would agree with you. However on this particular episode, the mean Republican one, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is saying such gold and it needs to be recorded.

The first topic the ladies were discussing was Miley Cyrus. Ok, I don’t watch “The View” that often, I’ve actually never made it through an entire episode, but these women talk A LOT about Miley Cyrus. Anyways, I tuned in when Elisabeth was saying this,

“Hannah Montana is a really hard show to watch, it’s so confusing, like is she Miley or is she Hannah?”

So Elisabeth, much like the eight year olds who watch the show, has finally figured out what the elusive Hannah Montana is really all about.

Even with the Miley/Hannah statement, I was willing to continue to watch “The View” while my life slipped away, when the topic changed. The women had moved onto Bristol Palin (Again! It’s official, the only “views” on this show are on Mylie Cyrus, the Palins and Elisabeth being offended.) They were speaking about how Bristol wasn’t allowed to speak at a Plan Parenthood conference because she didn’t have a PhD or whatever. The hosts then stated, who better to learn from then from someone who has been through it, like the movie “Scared Straight.” Then Elisabeth said this,

“I remember being in college and a girl told us this story where she got crazy drunk woke up the next morning raped by the cab driver and stuck somewhere in Boston. And you know what? [I thought] I’m going to try really hard not to do that. You know, I might have come close a couple of times though.”

Elisabeth, why are you there? It’s bad enough you got Rosie O’Donnell fired off that show (who is the greatest talk show host ever!) But you don’t really have a point of view. You sort of just say things that are frightening, nonsensical and misinformed. The worst part about this is that these women are supposed to display the thoughts, fears and attitudes of women in North America.

Oh my god. At best these women remind me of how I believe male waiters view groups of women in restaurants.

“Heeey ladies. Oooh, girls night out? Oh you bad, you gonna order the dessert? It’s chocolate.”

I’m taking a stand. We are going to do “The View”. The real view on how women really are. It’s going to be once a week hosted by me at my house. All those that would like to be on the show please comment, facebook or email me. I’m serious. It’s starting next week. Get ready.

I miss Star Jones

Al's Views

Hi. Day five. Blog-o-mania.

I think every Sunday is now going to be known as "Al's Views," where the reading audience gets an uncensored look into what is in my brain!

Because I babysit all the time I've really started to think about what my thought process was like when I was a kid. This is because sometimes kids say things that blow my mind and also make no sense. Like this morning when I was babysitting, the kid I was watching said, "I'm in a bad mood now. I need to go into my room and put on a pair of pants."
So yeah I'm not sure what the pants, mood correlation is, but here's some of the things that I thought made sense when I was a kid.

I thought throwing up meant you throw a bird up in the air, hence throwing up. The first conscious time I threw up, I was four, and I said to my dad when it was over, "That's what throwing up is!"

Me, my sister Sam, and friend Natalie thought Club Monaco was a club, so one of us would turn the lights on and off while two of us would dance in the room screaming, "Club Monaco."

Every time I would see any sport/dance/activity on television I thought I could do it perfectly. Once after seeing Elvis Stojko skating, I put oil on my feet and skid across the basement floor. My mom cried.

Once when my sister Vanessa was sick, I was jealous that she got to stay home from school, but because I was four I didn't know how to express how I was feeling so I smashed my favourite Disney record over her head.

I also used to chase Vanessa with a fork, I do not remember the motive behind that move.

When I was three we had two kittens named Moe and Sooty. We were going to a picnic one day and I really wanted them to come, but I didn't want my mom to know. So I decided to stick them in the cooler. However because I was worried my mom would see them there, I put them in the tiny section on top of the large lid. I then sat on the lid. Just so you all know I'm not a sociopath, I just wanted the kittens to be a part of my day.

I used to look in the mirror as a six year old and think I had the face of an adult but the teeth of a child, and if I could just hide my teeth everyone would think I was twenty. I would pray at night for adult teeth.

When I got "Pocahontas" for my fifth birthday, I vowed to watch it everyday. And I did. It was like a regime.

Carmen Sandiego was a real person to me.

I believed in the Tooth Fairy more then I have ever believed in anything.

Now you've all learned where the classic in Classic-Al originated. Classic.
Thanks for reading!

One of the few times I was showing love to Vanessa, instead of abusing her

How To Be Lazy

All right everybody this was the post I was destined to write. I have been practicing my laziness my entire life. If I was as productive as I am lazy I would be Oprah rich right now.

So for all you over achievers out there dig this, I am going to let you in on some super sweet and obviously incredibly easy steps on being the most lazy, sloth, mo-fo you can imagine. So sit down (which I am assume you already are doing in preparation for the lazy) and relax (the key ingredient to lazy) you are gonna get your lazy on.

STEP ONE: Move as little as possible. You're best bet is when you wake up in the morning do not move. However if you have to pee or something, chances are you are going to have to get up. You could use that cup next to your bed but then we're moving into a completely different level of lazy, so baby steps.

STEP TWO: Do you have anything to do today? Yeah, you do most likely, a lot.  So the next step involves a mind over matter trick; distract, suppress and distract again.

Example: I have an assignment due on Wednesday. You tell yourself, "Well it is Saturday morning so I could just watch a couple of episodes of Gossip Girl."
Three hours later- "Woah it's 3:54, I feel like I am suppressing a memory of some sort of assignment. Oh well I guess I'll see if Chuck does love Blair."
Two hours later- "He does! Well time to start on my assignment, but watching all that t.v made me want to spend time with people, I'll start tomorrow."

A secret weapon of Step Two is to have an addictive substance in your house that can distract you for hours. Mine is terrible (But secretly amazing) television. Find your own, but nothing too active or academic. So put down that book and stare at the crack in the wall for thirty-eight minutes.

STEP THREE: Don't care. If you master this step you're not being lazy, you are lazy. Lazy is an art form and not caring is the creative fire that starts your piece of work. By not caring you are cementing your status as a true lazy.
Example: You- "I had the best day yesterday!"
                Person- "What did you do?"
                You- "Nothing."
                Person- "You must have done something. Went for a walk, seen people."
                You- "Nope."
                Person- "You seem unabashedly proud of yourself."
                You- "You know it!"

Now there are many small ways in your day to day life where you can add lazy in like a spice. You could constantly use spell check even though you know how to spell the word, you could skip a class that is challenging, or you could talk a lot about what you are going to do in the day but you don't actually do it. This last tip is my most favourite because it really seems like you might be doing something. So you're not only tricking yourself but you're making it seem like your an upstanding member of society to the people around you. It's a win, win!

With these steps and tips you can be lazy in no time at all.

Well this was exhausting, I'm going to sleep.
Thanks for reading!

BTW- In the spirit of lazy I didn't review my writing. How many mistakes can you find?

                                                          Jealous?

How To Write A Blog When You Don't Know What To Write

Blog-a-thon. Day Three.

So I'm pretty embarrassed but it's my third post (yeah I'm using it correctly now Mina! But FYI people get that when I say blog they know it means post so meh!) and I do not know what to post about. So I am leaving it up to the writing gods and writing whatever comes to mind right now.

This morning I spent an hour in a half trying to email pictures and Gmail kept telling me "delivery notice failure permanently". Why? It was the right address, I've emailed pictures a hundred times, and why permanently? It's as if the email is a wine stain on suede. The Gmail people are very forceful in their wording, add that to complete frustration and I want to beat up Google.

Since we're on the Gmail topic, another thing about Gmail that's weird is that the program reads your email and then syncs up what you wrote with websites pertaining to that topic. I don't like it, yet I refuse to leave it. This is because computers scare me. In fact I don't like how my blog looks but I refuse to change it, because computers scare me. Yeah I guess I could count a pretty long list of  why computers scare me but I could just let you see this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rya9qaUJfeY&feature=channel . I was trying to find a better show of what that computer can do but I thought it mispronouncing things was funnier and made the machine more likeable, and that in turn, scares me.

Side note- Umm, humans give the computer the knowledge so if Jeopardy doesn't give the computer the knowledge of that night's questions then it will lose. If Jeopardy does give the info, it wins. Why is this worth watching?

So I guess when I run out of ideas my "How To" turns into a groan fest about computers, classy. If you let me groan about one more thing- Damn you Scotia Bank I don't like you yet like this blog I don't leave, could have something to do with fear but I think lazy wins this time. I guess I have tomorrows post in the bag- "How To Be Lazy." And if you thought I knew what I was talking about with "How To Be Crazy" you ain't seen nothing yet.

Thanks for reading!

I Don't Like You

How To Babysit

Hello. Day two. Blog-a-thon.

So yesterday afternoon I was watching, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yeah I'm not proud but it's always on so it’s inevitable. Anyways, like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am now taking care of a jerk seven year old. How do these two relate? 

Let me give you some back story on the kid I'm babysitting. He's seven. He verbally abuses me, calling me a moron, maniac, and on more then one occasion "woman," like the way a racist hill-billy would use it. He punches, kicks and threatens to punch me by holding his fist in a stationary manner in front of my face and then turns red. This fake-out punch is the strangest thing I have ever experienced especially because the kid cannot weigh more than thirty pounds. The kid also ignores me when he sees me, and throws his winter jacket and knapsack at me like I’m supposed to carry them like a sherpa. Needless to say, not pleasant. 

Now, let me give you some back story on what happened in “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. The clan travels to Las Vegas where Kourtney’s jerk boyfriend and unfortunate baby-daddy gets super drunk. Scott (the bf) begins to verbally abuse those around him, calling Kris Jenner a moron and the girl the Kardashian brother is seeing a “woman” in the hill-billy racist way. He then becomes violent (who doesn’t after a two-four of vodka) kicking the Kardashian brother (who even though he is by blood a Kardashian he just has no place on that show), punching him, and doing this weird fake-out punch to a waiter (Scott then stuffs a hundred dollar bill down the waiters throat). Worst than that, he ignores everyone around him like some sort of sociopathic baby.

Do you see a connection here? The only way I can survive the mean seven-year old is to treat him like a belligerent drunkard. So today when I go to his school to pick him up I will approach him with bouncers (two just in case) and ask him to step off the property. When he refuses such request, I will sit him down and tell him there is another way, handing him AA pamphlets. Hopefully reason at this point will influence the kid’s decision and we’ll be able to walk through the twelve steps as easily as our walk home from school. 

So when going to T.V for guidance in child-care, skip “Super Nanny” and watch the Kardashian family for insight on how seven-year olds actually are. Reality T.V has never been so real.

              

           Look to this guy to deal 
                with this little guy

How To Go Crazy

Hello All,
Ok so it is apparent that I truly suck at keeping up with my blog. Like I even wrote a blog about it.  I am just going to stop myself right there. I'll write my blog and I'll say something mildly humorous (more so to myself than my audience, sorry) But then that's all. Quite frankly it's taken me twenty minutes to get through this sentence. I blame society. Oh society how you have let me down with my lack of spelling ability and my Tourette's like use of the word like (even in like writing form). However, after a disastrous morning of missed appointments and not reading emails correctly I guess it is now time to turn the blame towards myself. 


Dear Myself,
Hi, what's happening? Not much you say. Did you see this weeks Gossip Girl? You did! It was sooo amazing. Chuck Bass is my everything. 
Anyways the reason why I'm writing you is because it's time to put the blame on. Yes you have got to put it on yourself my friend. No, no don't blame it on the goose that's got you feelin' loose, it's time to sit down and lady up. You started a blog. People follow it. Ok, a person follows it. You owe it to yourself, and the person to sit down and write your blog so goddammit you are going to do it! You are going to make a vow that for the next thirty days  no matter what, you will write something on your blog. I know, I know it's difficult. It seems close to impossible. But nothing's impossible since you have both a desktop and laptop computer. So Alessandra live it, write it, blog it. You have the ability so just do it, ok. And no worries more than one blog can be dedicated to Chuck Bass, obvi.


Ok so that wasn't hard. Now since I have the theme of "How To's" I thought this inaugural blog is the perfect "How To" of "How To Be Crazy". I don't even have to write a "How To" because I'm pretty sure the above statements can be used as some kind of manual. Regardless for a more narrow approach to crazy I'll let you in on my secrets. 


I don't want to brag but I have a crazy PhD. I have been cast in not one but three plays where being crazy was in the description of my character. One of the character's names was even "Crazy Pensionne Lady." Oh and in case you're wondering, "Oh that doesn't mean anything she's just a good actress." Thank you, first off, but also in the words of the jerk seven year-old I take care of, 
       " No offense, but I can tell you would be a bad actor."


I'd say the true factor of my craziness is my inability to stop talking. That can be your first step to crazy town. If you never stop talking then who knows what's going to come out of my mouth, bananas that's what. So never ever stop talking and if people criticize you, you won't be able to hear them because your talking. It's foolproof.

Another helpful step, don't brush your hair. I'm really grateful that this whole bed-head thing is a slight trend because it's the only way I do my hair. Even if I spend hours on my hair I can assure it will look like this








Do you see that faraway look in my eyes? Like my eyes are focusing on something that doesn't exist. That's the goal my friends.


So thanks for reading and get ready because there will be a new blog every day. Can you handle it?


Classic-Al