E-Huh? How To Travel With Your Parents As An Adult

Travelling is a remarkable experience, that can truly enrich the relationships with those that you have chosen to travel with. But what happens when that choice is your parents?

Yes I love my parents, and in thirty years I will look back and think wow, what a remarkable thing to have travelled with them for three weeks in Europe. As an idea, travelling with the parental-units is glorious. Literally spending 21 days with them in an enclosed space is tricky. Here are some How To's in navigating what seems like the impossible.

First How: How to get to sleep at night. Unless your rich, travelling with your parents means you have to share a hotel room. Now, I don't want to generalize things but it seems that most people over fifty snore. What do you do? Unfortunately ear plugs are out of the question because THEY DON'T WORK. If someone could explain to me how sleeping with a squished piece of plastic in your ear, is not only comfortable, but does not slowly move in the night like there is a tiny, fat insect in your ear I would like to hear it (seriously, could you recommend a brand or something).
The real trick for getting a quiet night's sleep is making a kind of fort with your pillow. This way the pillow covers the ears but not the nose or mouth. Unfortunately, you may experience dreams of smothering.
If you still cannot wrap your head around sleeping with a pillow balanced ever so slightly above you ear, one can make a game of the noises coming out of your parents' sinuses. To the untrained ear a snore may sound like an irritating grumble. But to the snore connoisseur it can sound like the base line to "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. Now you can ease yourself into sleep with the funky listening styles of Kool and his sick beats.

Second How: How to do what you want to do. Travelling with anyone is definitely a compromise, but with your parents it is a dictatorship. No fear, you can do what you want as long as you adjust the idea of what it is you want to do. For example, your mother wants to go into another church and your father want to go into another "European" supermarket. What do you do? (and no the correct answer is not to shoot yourself.) The answer is to grow as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? So slap on a smile and say "Yes, I totally want to see another terrifying Jesus picture, where his eyes follow you and his wounds glow." And "Yes, It is amazing that cheese in Rome is much more inexpensive than in Canada, fascinating." As long as you say yes, you might actually start to enjoy what you're doing. (Keep in mind for longer than a month of travel, your soul  may be crushed so use with discretion.)

Third How: How to remain "cool." Ok, so I am not the smoothest person, but I still believe that my age alone gives me the power to be somewhat hip. However after weeks of having conversations with your parents about the fact that your father has nose hair, your grip on what is current begins to waver. The only advice I can offer is, this too shall pass. Hold onto your core and know who you are. You may feel your "coolness" being tested when you pass by clothing stores and think, hey sweet sweater-vest. Or that when hanging out with friends, you try to explain to them that 1960's Italo-Folk/Pop is actually kind of good. FIGHT THAT FEELING. Go home listen to really offensive rap, and then watch six episodes of The Jersey Shore. Don't worry, soon enough you will be back to normal.

With these simple steps you will be saying yes, looking cool and sleeping soundly; the makings of any great voyage. So next vacation before you want to have a good time think, hey maybe I want to invite my parents along.

Bon Voyage and Thanks.
-Classic-Al

Could You Survive Three Weeks With Them?

E-Are You Kidding Me? The Mystery of Michael Sheen

Hi All,

I am sure you are all waiting with breath that is baited for my next "How To" (Hint, it's a good one). But as I was reading the paper this morning, something distracted me from the comics. Canadian sweetheart Rachel McAdams is dating British thespian Michael Sheen. Good for them, this pleases me, but I have to say Michael Sheen, who are you... really?!

 Ok so this is the same guy who is the baby daddy to Kate Beckinsale. Kate Beckinsale is a goddess woman and Michael Sheen... he's a'ight.

So like I've seen about five of Mike's movies (most notably, he was the Frost in Frost/Nixon) and he is a solid performer. He is very talented, obviously, but cute? I don't like to be negative but I don't get it. But I really want to.

I am not closed minded. I believe that there is a very cute, dare I say handsome, and sexually attractive man that dates these very beautiful women.  Listen, I am no stranger to the inexplicable crush (Conan O'Brien, say word) and I'd like to think I am not a shallow person and I resent you for inferring that.

So, Michael Sheen, convince me. I fall in love with guys in movies all the time. I am a (classy) movie crush-skank but I need to know, why are you attractive? The not knowing factor is what is killing me. The same goes for Joy Bryant, Camilla Belle, and Emmy Rossum- Why are you girls always in magazines with a picture and a description of "actor" written under the picture? WHEN DO YOU ACT? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU DO.

So basically if I could get all of us in a room sometime (Michael, Joy, Camilla and Emmy) we could just straighten this whole thing out (Especially you, Joy. Emmy and Camilla worked as children). Now, I know Michael is Toronto-bound, so that's easy enough; maybe I'll hold an "Actor's Convention" at my house and the girls will come, because apparently they are actors.

Anyways let's just figure out this debacle and then we can move on to the whole F-word Justin Bieber thing.

Thanks,

Classic-Al

E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over

Traveling can be an exciting, adventurous and life altering journey. Seeing the world can change a life. But what about that first step?

No I don't mean choosing the destination- too fun!
And no I don't mean raising the money- apparently people can travel with very little funds (If this is you, please email me and explain how.) [I might steal that idea for my next "How To," for example, "How To Travel Cheaply," if you don't mind.] {But if you do mind, don't email me and then get all upset suing me, claiming I stole your intellectual property, because I will cite precedence regarding that Da Vinci Code lawsuit, so relax!}

What I mean is, you have the ticket and to your dismay you have a stop-over!
From my experience a stop-over seems like a drag, but it can be a journey within itself.
First How: How long is the stop-over?
If it's under two hours, I'm sorry but you've missed your flight. Refer to my other "How To" guide- " How Not to Cry In Public."

If the stop-over is over three hours, hurry the hell up. ALWAYS check if your bags are going to your final destination when you are checking in at you original departure. Ask twice. Then three times. You will be surprised at how unhelpful the woman or man at the counter will be, so be sure to get a firm answer.


Once your baggage issue has been settled, don't relax just yet- is your connection happening anywhere in North America? Congratulations you get to wait in line for customs. I know you're thinking, " But wait I haven't travelled anywhere yet. Just from point A to Point B to try to eventually get to Point C." No worries though, this thought can be answered by my other "How To" guide, "How To Skip Ahead in Line." (Hint, be a little girl.)

After that ordeal, you get to go another counter and print out your plane tickets for your actual destination. I'm sure you're wondering why the airline worker didn't just print that ticket at your departure time, when you arrived at the airport with the proper time allotment. But why should they, you have some time now and if you're travelling with small children, the energy to wait in another line. (Note: If you are not the small child, my "How To Skip Ahead In Line" guide is most likely of no use and yes your passport is at the very bottom of the diaper bag, probably inside of a diaper.)

Yes, you've made it... Oh my, wrong again it's security, but by this time you're in a complete sweat so your clothes have already been removed for proper inspection.

Now you're all done except for that last little treat of getting to your gate. Oops, wait where do you think your going the gates in another terminal, take the train that's up to the stairs and right, stage right so really your left.

Hurray you made it and the plane has just started boarding, all right everything can settle. You can ease into your economy class seating between the coughing gentleman with the shakes and a woman who has to pee.

After all that rushing your mind is at ease and you will now arrive at you choice destination (and most likely your bags. Possibly, perhaps. Ok don't worry they'll be there.) Now take a breath and enjoy the three hour wait on the tarmac. If the wait seems slightly frustrating, refer to my most recent "How To" "How to Not Bother Flight Attendants."



Thanks for your time and Bon Voyage!

-Classic-Al

Don't worry to switch planes, you have to land first!