How To Say Happy Birthday

Bonjour! Today is my bff/blog contributer Krystyna K's 23rd birthday so just wanna shout out HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Some great "How To's" Krystyna has brought us are:
"How To Make Tulips Grow Straight" and
"How To Respond To Someone Who Has Told You They Have Seen God".
Thanks for all your contributions and friendship. Krystyna K you put the "kuh" sound in "Kuhlassic-Al".

So yesterday I couldn't get to the computer because I was at the hospital all day.
My father as some of you may know is a super hypochondriac (yes if he was a super hero hypochondria would be his power, and dressing like a lesbian gym teacher would be his costume).
I like to call him the old Italian man who cried wolf, or lupo if you will.
Unfortunately yesterday the wolf came. He's fine now but he did have two blockages in his arteries so they had to perform a procedure on him.

I am dumbfounded. This is a man who exercises every day (and makes you feel guilty if you don't), doesn't eat fatty foods, doesn't drink, and doesn't smoke. How does he get blockages?
This is all very worrisome to me. I exercise but I counteract that work with candy, and drinking like every other human being I know.
I fear that I may have a heartattack.
And all that fear I had about my father has travelled it's way back to me. But that's how it goes, right? Because isn't that why people truly hate hospitals? Hospitals are terrible for many reasons, but the whole time you're thinking either, "Good thing I'm not sick", or "Ahh, I don't want to be sick". You immediately draw the attention right back to yourself. You see someone with a cold, what's your first reaction? If you're nice probably, "Oh poor guy", but if you're like ninety percent of the population you're thinking, "Oh don't get me sick".

We're a selfish population, but I'm not judging. I'm crazy time selfish.
I have a blog where I put my thoughts and then essentially force people to read them.
Since school ended I haven't read a book that has enhanced my learning in anyway, because I don't do things I don't want to do anymore (it was my one out of school rule).
Last year I read Nietzsche and "Crime and Punishment". This year I've read Tim Gunn's "Book of Style" and not one but both of Russel Brand's "Booky Wooks". 

I guess what I'm trying to say is yay dad's ok, yay it's Krystyna's B-day and yay I'm selfish (well not yay, but I needed it to be symmetrical sentence. Sadly, the selfish word killed the rhyme but that's how selfish rolls, it don't got time for a ABA rhyming scheme).

Anyways thanks for reading!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

How To Remember

Today is the one year anniversary of my Nonna's (grandmother) passing. So I'm not really in a light "How To" sort of mood.
So here is a song I like right now with a setting that I think goes well with the song. Please play at the same time. Miss you Nonna!
See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading

Al's Views 9

Ola. I'm in a not Toronto state of mind.
I keep viewing foreign films so that I can imagine for an hour, or so, that I don't live the saddest looking place in Canada (yah that's right I said it Southern Ontario, not a scenic area. Disagree? Go North on Bathurst way past Steels). However I keep being disappointed.

I saw Biutiful which was set in Barcelona, great film, not very scenic though. It shows all the places you wouldn't want to go in Spain. It's like The Vice Guide To Travel: Barcelona Edition, if there was one. Example: If you ever wonder where the sweat shops are in Barcelona, you get a tour of them in this movie (isn't it funny that movie is the word we use for films. It's the equivalent of saying talkie. I think I'm gonna bring back that term, talkie. Oh boy what a talkie I saw last night! Yeah, I like it).

Then last night I went to see a talkie called Certified Copy. I knew nothing of it except that The Toronto Star gave it four stars, Juliet Binoche won a Best Actress award at Cannes, and it is set in Tuscany. Plus they speak French, English and Italian. I was very excited.

Ever since I visited Italy last year, I'm all about seeing it on film. The cool thing about Italian scenery is that it does not need exaggeration. You know how sometimes you see things on film and then in real life it's quite underwhelming. Well Italy is the opposite. You can't begin to show how breath-taking amazingly stupid pretty it all is on film. Movies/talkies capture very limited views of Italia, in comparison. But are still worth-while, apparently.

So I was all up for this film/talkie, until it started. I do not know what movie/talkie the reviewer and everyone at Cannes was watching but it was so pretentiously unwatchable.
There were only two actors in it and the man character was poo. It took a while to understand how bad he was because he was speaking various languages throughout so I thought maybe it was a character choice to be a bad actor but no, he was just poo.
I don't want to judge (but I will and I do, often) but you'd think at the age of fifty plus you would get better as an actor by default, you know experience etc, but not this guy. I do not want to know what he was like acting-wise at twenty.
The worst part was all the camera shots were tight so you couldn't see the background, which the characters made constant reference to. The scene that I walked out on was the two actors discussing the beauty of a sculpture in front of them, but the movie only showed the feet of the art. Ack. This was after an hour of this kind of torture so I left. I usually stay to the end of movies but nerts to that.

So I am going to try one more talkie tonight. I rented something called Late August- Early September. It's French, it has the guy from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and it BEST be showing some good scenery (and romance, I want to be swept away dammit!), or else I guess I'm going to have to leave the country. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading!

You better be worth it!

How To Not Spell

So I have made reference to this before but I cannot spell. I have said many times that society is to blame. But I'm not here to play the blame game. I'm here to write a list of words I cannot spell and see if it makes a poem, kind of like that magnetic poetry thing.

List of Words I Cannot Spell
Recommend
Answer
Malcolm
Unconsciously
Confetti
Suicide
Psychology
Psycho
Psychiatrist
Psychic
Teriyaki
Irkutsk
Residual
Inconvenient 
Pieces 
Pisces 


There are definitely more but I think this is enough for an ample poem. Now I will pick words at random by shutting my eyes and pointing at the screen.

Buddy Can You Spell A Dime

An original poem by Alessandra Vite

Pisces answer psychiatrist.

Pieces confetti psycho suicide.

 Residual inconvenient teriyaki, Irkutsk

Psychic Malcolm unconsciously recommend psychology.

This has been an original poem by Alessandra Vite
Thanks for reading!

This is my poetic alter-ego: Alessandra Vite 

How To Be Manipulative (In A Good Way-ish)

So today I tricked the kid I babysit into doing his homework. I told him that if he wrote half a page of his journal entry, I would write a page and a half on my fingernails in the same amount of time. 

He said it couldn't be done. Little does he know I blog about insignificant things everyday. So I can write a page and a half about anything whether it be nails or eyelashes (which will be my next trick in getting him to do his spelling). 

However the kid always always gets a leg up because as we were in the middle of this "bet", he made another wager causing me to pay him a dollar a day for the next week. 

I don't know how he did this. 

Anyways here is a manifesto on my fingernails.

Fingernails

I don't really understand why I always bite my nails. I get expensive manicures to correct this habit but I end up biting them unconsciously.
Isn't it weird how you do things without realizing that you have done them. No other animal in the world does this. You never see seagulls mindlessly plucking out their feather. You don't see flies gnawing on their wings.
It's unsettling that I have this habit at all. If you really break it down it is literally a filthy habit. Throughout the day I touch everything from scratching the back of my ear to unconsciously (once again) scratching off a bottle's label.
I am a serious fidgeter. Even as I write this I have an urge to tear at the little bits of paper sticking off the sides of the page. Actually nothing would give me more pleasure than to tear out each page of this notebook methodically into small, little pieces. Like confetti. If human beings had that job I would be an unbelievably happy confetti maker.
However back to nail biting. It's a vicious cycle because I bite my nails to calm myself, but seeing my mangled digits stresses me to no end.
Well I don't get completely stressed, I have a life. A life that revolves around fingernails.
So I won't abuse my nails by biting them. I'll treat them with the utmost respect. My fingernails- it's a love and hate thing.

This is what the kid wrote at the same time

Pillow Fighting

I like to play pillow fighting. I usually play with Malcolm and Ethan.
We play everyman for himself.
I always win because I have the best pillow and the best moves.
When we pillow fight we say, "Are you cussing with me?!"

I have pillow fought with the boy and both his moves and pillow are sweet. And I do cuss wit' him!

Thanks for reading!

What do you think is harder to write about?

How To Lift A Weight Off Your Shoulders

I did it! No didn't pass my G1, nope didn't get an acting job, nope haven't started looking into other job possibilities, I cleaned my closet.

Last month I was complaining about how my closet was a disaster (my clothes looked like debris from a plane crash), but I didn't want to clean it because cleaning it would mean I'd have to put up a pole so I could hang my clothes and that would mean I'd have to measure my closet, buy a pole, empty out my closet, place the pole and then put my closet all back together again. This seemed like waaay too complicated a task.
So I began to ignore my room. I was literally living in bedroom denial. I would only make my bed and make sure no clothes were on the ground. Other than that I would completely neglect the desk and closet area, which was slowly turning Grey Gardensesque.

Anyways, today I was given an unexpected day off so I had no choice but to just deal with it.
And I did.
It took three hours.
I hated every minute of it.
I don't recommend this.
However it does feel nice to see my clean hanging closet where I have access to my clothes. But now I have awakened an avalanche. I have to continue cleaning my room. I need to clear out my bookshelf and empty out my desk. This is one very tiny room. I do not want to know what my house will be like.

I think I'll become a Buddhist and not believe in things. Then I'll never have to clean again. Well stay tuned for my next entry of "How To Be  Buddhist", it's gonna be a goody (If I still have my computer).

Thanks for reading!

I wish my closet had this much room!

How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo?

Hello. I love the "Would You Rather" game. I have spent hours of my childhood/most of my adult life playing this game.
My usual go-to for this game is, "Would you rather kiss a goat? And I mean kiss a goat. Get all up in that goat's face! Or humanely kill it?" People hate answering this question because we all know the answer. And just for the sake of discreetness the answer lies in my jerk flavoured meal last night that I ate without guilt or making out with a goat.
But this "Would You Rather" is brought to you by Anisa K (miss you mon amis!).

All right all you mid-nineties R&B girl group lovin' ladies (and three boys), it's time to figure out the age old question of who would you rather date, a Scrub or a Bug-a-boo.

So definition time:

A Scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly and is also known as a Buster, always talkin about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.
The term was coined by either T-Boz, Chili, or Lisa (Left-Eye) Lopez (I like how Left-Eye gets a last name. Makes her more real, also R.I.P).

A Bug-a-boo is a little more complicated. He's the type of guy that makes you wanna throw your pager out the window, tell MCI to cut the phone calls, break my lease so I can move, you're buggin' me and can't you see that ain't cool.
This term was coined by Beyonce (There's just no way that the other four had anything to do with it).

So I guess you have a choice to make, do you want a man that does too much or one that does nothing at all.
Now in my opinion a take charge kind of guy makes me feel lazy. Scrubs seem more my speed. In fact me and Scrubs have a lot in common.

Things Scrubs and I have in common:
He hangs out the passenger side of his best friend's ride.
I do that! I can't drive a car and after failing my G1 this week (By one ok! Don't judge), I assume I never will.
If you live at home wit' yo momma, oh yes Scrub I'm talkin to you.
I do live at home with my momma! In fact she's sitting on the couch right now trying to understand what I'm writing about, and she doesn't.
Actually I'm starting to think this post has a limited fan-base but I'm pretty this entire blog is limited. It's written by a Scrub after all!
[Sidenote: Maybe Classic-Al should take that clear NZT pill from that film Limitless and make my blog into just having potential into fulfilling potential... I'd be Limitless! Also I think the film's real title should be Potential {say it in a whisper}]

Wanna get with me with no money.
I don't really wanna get with you, but I do have no money!
Wow, I'm a Scrub. But I ain't alone. There's so many of us that a song was written, so I'm in good company.

As for a Bug-a-boo, man this guy gets shit done!


Bug-a-boo Qualities
It's not hot that when in blockin' your phone number you call me from over your best friends house.
That takes two things- creativity and shamelessness. Well I'm full of shame so count me out!
 
And it's not hot that I can't even go out with my girlfriends 
without you trackin' me down.
This also takes two things- Sherlock Holmes like skills and driving ability. Score one for the Scrubs again!

So in the game of "Would you rather", I'll take a Scrub please.
Who would you rather?

Thanks for reading!

How To Be Confused

So I just realized that I wrote yesterday's post thinking it was Tuesday. Therefore proving that I don't know what day it is if Gossip Girl isn't on. Oh god. I am actually grateful that it's on hiatus until mid-April because this addiction has gotten out of hand (Making me forget what day of the week it is, I blame Chuck Bass' sneer)....(Oh I could never blame Chuck, I'm so sorry).
Since yesterday became Tuesday's entry then today can be Wednesday's "Anything Goes" and Wednesday can be "Requests". Then I swear I'll get my own rules right for next week.

I think my iPod is trying to commit murder-suicide. First, the headphones keep ever so slightly electrocuting me. When it first began, I thought my ear was doing something funny, but today there were full out sparks.
You'd think the first time you get shocked by headphones you'd stop using them, but they're my only pair. Plus I know I'm never going to remember to pick up another pair. It's like these jeans I bought a month ago; everyday I say I'll get them hemmed, and every day they sit on my desk ten inches too long just mocking me. So I'll keep the headphones for now.
Also I think I'm beginning to figure out when the shocks are going to happen. The last two times it was during two different Alicia Keys songs. So along with Gossip Girl, I'm boycotting Alicia Keys (but I'm not really boycotting GG, I just miss it so much I'm acting like it broke up with me).
The reason why I think it's a murder-suicide is because one morning out of the blue, the screen broke. I have no recollection of smashing the screen and also I hung up my coat in a safe non-droppable closet. There is no reason for this to have happened except the reason of my iPod wanting out of its life.

Sorry for the reflection, my computer screen is so big and bright, it could light up most of Western Europe 

Well that ain't gonna happen! iPod, I got something to tell you, that I'll write in poem form.
Oh pod, oh pod. DO NOT BREAK ON ME!
For I have just discovered youtubetomp3.com and it's made life so lovely.
So get over your depression,
You were bought because there is no recession,
And you make me ever so happy!

So as long as the broken glass doesn't cut my hand, and the earphones don't kill me via electrocution, I'll stand by my iPod (Plus I started carrying a wooden spoon, so next Alicia Keys song that comes on all I gotta do is bite down hard on that bad boy!).

Thanks for reading!

I'd never blame you Chuck, just be new episodes again!

How To Babysit IV

So today was ok with the kid. Since last week was March break I hadn't seen him since Wednesday and he said that he forgot my name. That was sweet. He then asked if he could call me, "Random Citizen." I then told him, "Only if I can call you jerk seven-year old." He then got upset at me for swearing.

He had a friend come over for a little bit and these two kids could not stop talking about their private parts. It was weird. Every other word out of their mouths were, "Don't kick me in the private parts" or, "I'm gonna kick you in the private parts". It was really weird, and kind of funny how they would use both words, private parts, every time.
I asked them to stop talking like that because it really unsettled me, but this just caused them to scream it. I know you're thinking, "Use reverse psychology and then they'll stop", but I think it's equally unsettling to tell them that I like when they speak in that manner. Ewww, even just typing that gave me chills.

Anyways, in positive news I figured out how to cook something that the kid will actually eat.
This is my recipe for his favourite rice dish.

Chinesie Rice (He calls it that. I'm on the fence about it being racist or not. I guess it's not. Or is it? Is it racist for thinking that it's racist. I'm not racist. I swear!)

-Microwave for two mintues a bag of Uncle Ben's Minute rice (Now doesn't that sound so healthy, microwaving a soft plastic bag with pre-cooked rice in it. But of course if I were to make him normal rice he'd complain, believe me).
-Put a crap load of soy sauce in it.
-Put a crap load of oil in it.
-Put a touch of teriyaki sauce in it.
All done!
So he doesn't like it when I spend hours making homemade bolognese sauce or pizza, but he does like it when I microwave rice in a bag. It's like cooking for the royals!

Thanks for reading!

It kind of looks like this but it's pitch black from the amount of soy sauce. Mmm, enjoy!

Al's Views 8

Hey all this is a very special Al's Views because it's the eighth one, and my lucky number is eight (I'm born March 8, 1988; so I literally own this number. I have a contract).
Anyways so I have had not one but two requests on what to write about. So I'm going to save one for Thursday, because Thursday's my request day (just reminding y'all), and one I will discuss now.

My friend Krystyna sent me this email:
 I have a question for Classic-Al,
So im sitting at a table in the library. This guy asks if he can sit at the table. Not a problem there is lots of room. So we are working quietly away. Then, he asks me if I believe in god. This guy doesn't look like a lunatic FYI. I'm like I dont really know, blah blah blah. Then he tells me that he's seen god. And I'm like OKAY you really are a lunatic...But all I can answer is "ohhhh okay..." And then it's awkward. Anyways how do you react when someone tells you they have seen god?

Well first off I think I would ask him to define god. Then I would ask him in excruciating detail what he saw.  I'd need to know everything. Was he human like? Was he a he? Was he a she? Was it Oprah? Because it might have been, and I would not fault you at all if you thought it was Oprah. I think if I saw Oprah in real life I'd tell people I have seen the "god" (of daytime TV).

Most people, I would assume, would do their best to get out of a conversation like this, but not me. As you all know I have a PhD in crazy, plus I deal with the crazies everyday (my father and ninety percent of his friends) so non-sensical conversations excite me.
In the end though, I feel like I will never be fully satisfied with his answer, because my own definition of god is something that my human being brain can and never will understand as long as I live on earth.
Some people might call that a cop out, but I think issues like god, death, and nothingness (think about it you can never think of nothing, because when you're thinking of nothing, you're still thinking about thinking about nothing... Cosmic) are just too big for this world and I like it like that.
God, to me, is more of a feeling (wrong word, but you know what I mean) than a physical thing you can see.
But in the end, this guy either has absolutley NO idea how to hit on women, or he's actually seen god. Either way, the kid needs help.

My second thing that I wanted to have a view on is the actor Javier Bardem. So I love him. He's amazing. I know i just dedicated an entire post to Jon Hamm, but this Bardem is killing me with his amazingness. Plus it's my lucky number day, and I can make this post as long as I want to!

Last week I saw him in Biutiful, and he did such an incredible performance, it was like seeing god (OMG, maybe the guy just saw Javier in Biutiful, and so he was kind of telling the truth).
No offense to Colin Firth, but Bardem was too good he should have definitely won the Oscar. However the film Biutiful is so difficult and tragic, it should be renamed Hard To Watch (Shout out to Tracy Jordan).
The second thing I saw Javier in this week was just his part in Eat, Pray, Love. I know people love to shit on this film (my mom says the only thing she remebers about the movie is Julia Roberts' mouth, and not in a good way) but the Bali part is really lovely. And Javier is too much. His accent is adorable, and he says things like " I make a good mixed tape of a the Sting" and, "Son, you cross-a the line." I love his use of "a".
So if you feel like see a really cute and pretty romantic comedy, watch the last thirty minutes of Eat, Pray, Love.
Btw, I went to a psychic this week (for fun, relax I can feel the judgement through the computer) who told me that my soulmate will be tan and of Mediterranean descent, so obviously it's going to be Javier Bardem... Right? Oh, he's married to and has a baby with Penelope Cruz. Oh also I don't know him.. Crap.

Thanks for reading

Perfect example of the cutness of Bardem

How To Take A Risk

Tonight I played the board game Risk with a couple of friends. It was very
fun/insensitive/confusing/challenging/lesson-learning.

1) It was fun because at the beginning you get to pick whatever country you want to rule. I started with African and South American countries (because they have such good track records in real life right?). I also like choosing countries with nice weather. When I was forced to choose the Northern Territories I was as upset as I was imaginarily cold.
It also is fun because you can be outrageously politically inccorect and it's all good. In fact, the board game encourages it by making the continents Africa, South America and Australia worth the least amount of points.

2) It was insensitive considering that a war actually started today.
Plus I had Egypt and Japan and whenever people tried to conquer those countries I would say, "Haven't they been through enough?". My opponent didn't laugh and then took Egypt making me lose the entire continental Africa. All I know is comedy is tragedy plus time, so give it ten to twenty years and that line's a real winner!

3) It was challenging because the rules make no sense. If I didn't have two people hold my hand through every move I made I would have never been able to conquer South America and Africa (and then subsequently, lose it).

4) It was lesson-learning (yes, this is a verb to me) because it taught me not to be greedy. As soon as I would get a lot of soldiers in my dominions, I would try to take every other country around me. However taking more means less security and losing all your countries by the time it is your turn again. Just like in real life greed, in the end, gets you no where (except being temporarily rich, which totally rocks!!).
I also learned not to be cocky. Just like Wii, the Risk board knows when your bragging, so it makes you roll low numbers (it's a scientific fact, always be gracious when playing a game. The game always knows. It always knows! Haunting).
I also learned not to make an alliance with Stella (dammit Stella!).

So like in life and the board game; it may be foolish to take a risk, but then the game doesn't continue so you should probably just battle Irkutsk becasuse then no one gets Asia. God.
Ok not as succinct as I wanted it but you get the picture.

Thanks for reading!

In Risk, being sent to Siberia is a good thing.

How To Dilly Dally

Dilly-dally is a funny word. I looked it up and it's a real word and everything. I think it's in my mind because I just watched that movie Country Strong I now I feel like I'm writing in a southern accent. I'm sure you're all thinkin, "Well how does one write in an accent other then their own?" well all I can say to that is watch Country Strong and then try not to have twang. Just try!

I waste time but good. I guess it goes hand in hand with being lazy and constantly in a rush to do things. Today I had lots of time to write this blog but now I'm half asleep, my bad.

Remember saying things like, "my bad" and "talk to the hand" sincerely? I did when I was in grade five. Remember "suck it"? There was a kid in my elementary school who, when he would get really upset, would spastically scream, "Suck it! Suck it!". He did the hand gestures and everything.
I feel like slang was very important when I was a kid. Like making sure I talked like my classmates. I guess it was as important in highschool too. Everyone in highschool was really into saying things like, "suss", "jam" and occasionally "rad". But "rad" was super forced. Whenever someone would use that word you know they were thinking of it before hand and was really grateful when they were able to use it in a conversation.
Example: Person A: "So if I pass my math exam I won't have to do summer school at all."
                Person B: (interupting A even before A finished the sentence) "That's so rad!!!!!!"

As you can tell I really am a pro at dilly-dallying (also a legit word) because I've gone this entire post without talking about anything. And you've just been dillyed! (Not a word...yet. Start saying it in highschools, it'll catch on reall fast.)

Thanks for reading!

Words, words, words!

How To Just Accept

So I guess no one has requested what I should write about today (I accept this as long as you visit the blog I'm happy), so I will say this, Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I was all into celebrating this holiday until I discovered:
1)I had made babysitting plans that night
2)Earlier on in the day, I completely forgot about the holiday.
However I was quickly reminded by the ridiculous lines outside of every pub staring at eleven AM (well every pub except for the one by St.Clair and Christie. Is it Irish, is it Russian? All I know is that scary men come of out of it at all times of the day).

Other than that I don't really have much else to write except today Mina sent me an article about how every person who works with Jon Hamm, thinks he's the greatest actor/comedian/man ever.
I don't dispute this, I like him very much (We tend to send emails to each other about actors we have liked throughout the years, but Jon Hamm has been the constant since he became amazing).
Anyways this was my response to Mina sending me the email (sorry I am just so lazy today and technically it's a holiday, so I'm working half as hard).
Enjoy:
If Hollywood is highschool, Jon Hamm is the hot jock who also happens to be on the honour roll and stars in all the school plays and is good in them, and started the improv club, and also is class president, and goes to all the parties, and is really well read, and had one of his touching short stories published in Macleans magazine at age sixteen, and you want to hate him but you can't because you sit behind him in Canadian History and he's so damn nice, charming and witty and you can full out tell that highschool isn't even his peak.
Damn you Hamm/Love you Hamm

It's like a poem, sort of.
Thanks for reading!

Jock Hamm

Sexy Hamm

Crazy Hamm. Basically, the man's got range

How To Anything Goes

Hey all! Today is "Anything Goes Wednesday", my third favourite kind of a post because it is a great combo of laziness and getting shit done!
So the first part will be dedicated to my friend Shayne who hasn't ever read my blog and I told him that he should tonight. So tonight Shayne you best be reading this, and tell One-Arm Bob congrats!!

Another topic on my mind tonight is ill fitting clothing. Like I have these really nice jeans that look great on my legs but are just a little too tight in the waist, while my friend Nora has the opposite problem (waist big, legs snug. In case you were confused, because I was at first.) Plus tonight I was looking for pyjama pants and found these purple rayon/polyester garbage material that looked like they would be baggy but were shockingly tight.
That's the worst, when you go to a store and get the smaller size thinking, "Oh this shirt fits loose", but it ends up being super fitted and super unflatering.
I have such a love/hate relationship with clothing that when analysed it's pretty abusive.
Clothes are expensive, occasionally painful, hard to keep clean (specifically for me, I can stain anything, it's a gift), and never look as good as I thought it did the moment I wanted to buy it. Like this white anarak I loved in the store. Now (two days later) I think it looks like a hazmat suit.

But that's also what I love about clothes, never being fully satisfied always changing. It's poetic in a media/consumer driven world.
Thanks for reading!

See I really loved this dress, but someone said it looked like a robe and now I'm confused. Damn you perception!

How To Babysit:Part III

So I haven't babysat that much this week. The only thing I can remember right now is that I had a two hour pillow fight with the kid yesterday, which was actually really fun. Plus we both got out all of out residuale anger at eachother so the rest of the time it was smooth sailing.
As for crazy things said to me, there were a few. First off the kid's new favourite, "I'm going to tell my mom you punched me." I tell him if he tells his mother that, he's actually going to get punched and then some. I know it's not the best form of disciplining but he started it!

Also I've decided that The Family Channel has decent programming.
iCarly is hilarious, I am not being sarcastic. I would equate it with the humour if The Big Bang Theory, but instead of joking about sex, they joke about situations- hence situation comedy.
But now that I think about it iCarly is really the only one I like. The brother is amusing, Carly's got timing and her friend is a well written character. Yah that's right, I said.
Now that I think about it, I sort of also like Hannah Montanna, but I got to be in the mood for that one. And once again the brother is hilarious on that show.

But now that I think about it again, I don't think I would seek these kiddie shows out (except for Arthur, that D.W's got cahones), but it does make the whole watching t.v with the kid a more pleasant experience.
Plus the more mature shows I watch don't really have the highest of standards (Gossip Girl obvi, and Portlandia anyone?). So these kid's shows aren't that emabrassing to enjoy, right?

Well, thanks for reading!

Just as good as a real sitcom, no?

How To Review: Not Gossip Girl Edition

So once again, my GG is a no-show (I thought March was supposed to be sweeps?)
So I guess I will review what I'm watching at this moment, Sex and the City season four (just when you thought I couldn't get any girlier).
The fourth season is my favourite. It's summer time, everyone's all tan and relaxed looking, and they were rich but not glutton-crazy over done rich like in the films. Plus it has as much Aidan as it does Big so it's like the best of relationships.

There are a couple of questions I've always had about Sex and the City-

First: When Carrie writes in her column intimate details about her relationships and the relationships of those around her, don't the people care?
There is an episode when Big confronts what an asshole he was to Carrie because he read in the book that was a compilation of all of her columns. Therefore proving that the people on the show know when they're being written about. Either her boyfriends are totally confident with themselves in a relationship or I no one in her life reads her writing. Now I just feel sad because if no one reads Carrie's column, I believe it is safe to assume then really no one reads mine. Not that I have column where I get paid or anything. That would be nice. If someone wants to pay me to do this I would accept the cash. I wouldn't feel embarrassed or anything.

Second: I think Carrie's questions (in her column that come at the point in the episode when everything starts to come together/fall apart) started out really relevant but sort of deteriorated by the end.
Example
Season 1: "Can women have sex like men?" (Shocking, for the time, and slightly thought provoking)

Season 3: "Do women just want to be rescued?" (Shocking-ish, and debate worthy)

Season 5: "Is a relatioship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?" (What? I get trying to start a word  trend, but, what?)

In the end I really love Sex and the City. It's the only show I could watch over and over every year since I was in grade nine, and I'm not alone in this sentiment. So no matter how silly or over the top the show can be, it's never going to be as ridiculous as Gossip Girl. 

Sigh, I have no standards.

Thanks for reading!

Me Likey!

Al's Views 7

Oh so sad that I did not write on my blog yesterday. How could I have forgotten? I did nothing during the day. Well I did go grocery shopping, and took an epic nap, but that took three four hours tops. I have no excuse. The worst part is that now the number of posts won't match up with the number of days in the month. Oh well. Brush my self off and try again (shout out to Aaliyah).

It's now my favourite post of the week Al's Views.
I think it's my favourite because of how different it is from my other posts in which my views come from Alessandra. However today's views come straight from Al.
Now I know you're thinking, "She sounds drunk." But no, I was drunk (there's a difference), and now I'm very, very, very tired. So tired that it feels like I have a fever and I sometimes forget what I'm doing. I guess you could say I'm writing in the moment (This sentence took five minutes to write because I forgot what I was trying to say).
So this is all coming at you live. Or as live as writing could be. Oh my god, imagine if writing could come at you live? It would probably look like a person writing on a computer/paper and an audience reading behind his/her shoulder as it was happening. It would be the most inconvenient form of entertainment for everyone involved.

Well I'm tired now so I'm going to stop my views but I will say that I saw Zach Galifinakis' opening monologue on Saturday Night Live, and it was the greatest piece of comedy I have seen in a very long time. It was as good as I am tired (get it?). But I can't post it because I live in Canada and NBC hates Canada. So yeah. It was funny.

Thanks for reading!

Ha, Funny.

How To Be A Woman

No this post is not about your first period, ok! Today just happened to be a very womanly day. In the morning I went shopping with my mom, very stereotypically womany and then at night I saw a one-woman show called Wit's End III: Love Story, by Sandra Shamas.
This play did include your first period. It was alright, not that funny. She talked a lot about menopause and learning about puberty in the 60's, so not much there for me. I also was the youngest person in the audience by like thirty-nine years. Still, I felt like I was supporting the women comedian cause.

But I figure since I am born on International Women's Day I'll muse about a few woman-like things.

Today in Shopper's Drugmart there was a brand of lip gloss called Mother-Pucker, which had the tagline "It's a scientific fact that men like fuller lips, so you shoud have fuller lips!"
There's just so many things wrong with that sentence.
First off, grammatically it just don't make no sense. And aren't taglines supposed to be catchy like "Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar"? (of course I would know a chocolate bar's jingle, I am a woman after all.)
Secondly, really? Is this company really saying buy this product and scientifically men will be attracted to you. Who are these lip gloss scientists? I feel sad for them because they probably went to school to learn about curing diseases, not figuring out how to make thirteen year old girls' lips plumper.
Thirdly, wow companies think women are either a) stupid b) sad c) desperate d) masochists.
I say d) masochists, because have you ever tried a lip plumper? They burn the shit out of your lips and there is hardly a difference.
Also, if any make-up any woman has ever bought has gotten them in a long-term relationship with a man, that item should be in a museum.
Fourthly, you decided to call the gloss Mother Pucker, really? It sounds like a messed up nursery rhyme.

Unfortunatley there will be that eleven year old girl who will read that statement and unknowingly internalize it, and then has one more reason to feel inferior. As someone with fuller lips let me tell you this, they are a lot of work. They take up such a large part of your face, need constant moisture and can actually get in the way of talking. I could only imagine what fake ones would be like. Plus no scientist has ever come up to me and told me that I am scientifically more attractive to men. Not one!

So fuck Mother Pucker. It's a scientific fact that all products sold at Shopper's Drugmart don't actually work.
And yay women, it's a scientific fact that we can do better.

Thanks for reading!

Crucial? Really??!?!

How To Screw Up

So it's Thursday and it's supposed to be reader's requests, but I forgot to ask people via facebook/text what they want me to write about. So no request today, just like it was no "What Children Said To Me This Week" on Tuesday and no Gossip Girl Review on Monday (But that one wasn't my fault, that was the CW's...and society's!). Wednesday worked out though because it's "Anything Goes Wednesday", so you know, anything went.

So now I will let the fates decide what I will write about. Whatever my next Stumble Upon website is I will somehow figure out a "How To" out of it.
Ok so ironically enough I stumbled upon a "How To" website of "How To Wake Up Every Morning On Top Of The World". Eerie! The computer has done the work for me, just like it did my grade eleven history essay (shhh!).
Basically the guy says don't wake up stressed, don't watch T.V or turn on the computer, listen to music and meditate. I think I can do one better.

How To Wake Up Every Morning On Top of the World

First things first, where do you live? Northern Russia, Northern Canada or the North Pole? Oh you don't live in any of those places? Too bad, you can never be on top of the world.

Secondly, you can't really control how you're going to feel as soon as you wake up. It's pretty difficult considering you don't know how you have slept.
But what you can control is what is the first word you say in the morning. This is a game I play with myself. Usually it's "Hi" but sometimes it's "What?", "Fine" and "Oh my god you guys are so loud in the morning!".
I figure if you can make that first word a happy one you'll have a decent day. Maybe not on top of the world good, but aight.

Thirdly, meditation is a wonderful thing. But if you're like me you wake up with just enough time to do everything you need to get done. If I take a minute longer doing something, I will be at least ten minutes late. So the question is do you want to sacrifice sleep to meditate? Doesn't make much sense does it. Especially when the Dalai Lama says, "The best form if meditation is sleep". Made you ponder didn't I?

So maybe I don't know the secret to waking up feeling earth toppingly good but I do know laughter helps. So enjoy this video, it makes me laugh (but apparently don't enjoy it first thing in the morning).

Oh and readers, please comment about what you would like my next Thursday's post to be on. Don't leave me hanging!

Thanks for reading!

How To Have Friends

So yesterday was my birthday which was very nice. It made me really think about all the people in my life and how happy and grateful I am to have so many fabulous people apart of my world. So I thought today I would dedicate to the best of times I have had with my friends and family.

Getting to travel to New York, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Paris with my closest friends. Traveling is fun but getting to be with the people you love in those places is amazing.
Example: In Paris we had gone to A LOT of museums, so by the time we got to the Louvre I was a little punchy. Luckily my friend Anisa was too, so we spent the entire trip laughing at the nakedness and the craziness of some of the art. This was the result:

Me hitting on a statue

Me discovering my long lost son Chester

Witnessing a Nonna bare her breasts

Long story short that museum is HILARIOUS. Plus mine and Chester's relationship is stronger than ever!

Salad parties! This has become a tradition. Whenever the weather is nice, I make my Masterpiece Salad (NBD) and sangria and me and my friends just sit in the backyard and chill from three in the afternoon until three in the morning. It's so relaxing and pleasant. (Side note: Try not to drink the sangria from 3 pm to 3 am. The night will inevitably end in vomiting.)

Cruises. No not the boat kind, the car kind. This started when my sister Sam learned to drive and continued when Anisa learned to drive (and still she is the only one of us out of out group of friends that can drive. I know, I know, I'll get my G1 on Monday!) Basically we would get (AHAHAHAH I can't even get through the sentence. I'm so not getting my G1 on Monday. I've been saying that for literally six years.) So like I was saying basically we would get in a car and drive. Usually to the lakeshore. It's so much fun and makes you feel very independant at seventeen. Plus you can sing along with the radio to killer hits like "The Greatest Love of All". Personal fave!

Doing nothing. I love sitting around doing nothing. It is one of my passions. But when you do nothing with friends, that's the ultimate.

This is what doing nothing can lead to!

Grey's Anatomy Nights. The show, not so good anymore. The company, like I coined in Paris after watching Les Simpson, "Troy Bien!"
I love talking during T.V, but having an audience around really makes it worthwhile. Watching T.V with friends is just more fun.
Like when I watched 30 Rock with my frousin (patent pending!) Mina, and then we would repeatedly rewind everything that Alec Baldwin said.
Or the very intense Gossip Girl marathon (literally, days were lost) I did with my sister Vanessa during the month of February. [Side note. Which is why these posts are so Gossip Girl saturated. It was the only television I watched during the one month blog-a-thon so it was the only reference point I had to draw from.] Anyways I like T.V, I love my friends.

They're friends too!

 So thanks to all you people in my life that make it so special. You rock!

And now, a friendship photo montage:

 

 

 

 

YAY FRIENDS!!!

Thanks for reading!

How To Be A Flake

Hey all! It's my birthday today so I was almost going to completely flake out on writing a post but then I thought, well I've come this far so I gotsta do it. But it will be a shorty.

But so I won't leave all three of my readers completely hanging I will let you ponder on this:
My friend Ben made two statements tonight that really make you think.
1. Why do you say pair of jeans if it is one item?
2. What does the phrase "state of the art"literally mean?

So just think about it. And as a birthday gift to me, tell your friends and friends of friends, how classic Classic-Al really is.

Thanks for reading!!

Happy birthday to me!

How To Be Dissapointed

So I know today was supposed to be a Gossip Girl recap day, and I'm heartbroken too about it btw, but it's a stupid rerun.
Of course it is, the first good episode in two months and now I'm going to have to wait probably two months for Chuck's reaction to Blair and Dan's kiss, very exciting/stupid. I bet you he's going to shoot Dan, in a poetic full circle kind of a way.
[Side Note: Update, new episodes don't start until April 18th! The 18th! That's like a full out summer-time hiatus. Wah]

Instead I will fill you in on my days events.
Woke up forty-five minutes after my alarm and was only five minutes late for babysitting (I was as proud as I was out of breath).
After a full afternoon of babysitting, I did a full evening's worth (at least I'm earning like a Rockefeller). I babysat the mean kid, who was so rude that I punished him with no electronics. After discovering that watching a movie was an electronic, he got pretty upset and said don't talk to me I'm in my room trying to sleep.
I do find it slightly ironic that while I was punishing him, I was playing Scrabble on his Mom's iPad, but hey man I don't follow the rules I only enforce them. Either way, it was a rough night.
When I got home I was so annoyed I sat and stared out the window for twenty minutes. I imagined life as a catatonic and it's not so bad, it's kind of relaxing.

So now I sit here typing with the rerun of GG blaring in the background. I was so ready to write the review tonight I was going to do a play by play, like sports! (Fine I don't watch sports, in fact in highschool when I accidentally got on the rugby team I would call practice, rehearsal. The only time I got the ball I pretended to fumble it and then ran in the opposite direction. Man I'm unathletic.)

But no review to be had. Oh well. I could tell you that last night I had a dream where Adrian Brody had a cameo in it. Literally, he said, "Hey, just doing a cameo." He was really funny.
I think it's time for me to stop watching t.v and start getting into sports.
Ooooh I'll dooo it this afternoon.
Thanks for reading!

Hey, just doing a cameo in Al's blog

Al's Views 6

Hey all. So I waited too long to write my post and now I'm tired and I have to go to bed early because I'm working in the morning (something I haven't done in quite the while).

Now I know when I post this it will say that it's been posted at 9:00 PM, but that's just not true. For some reason my blogsite has decided that it's on west coast time, so any time I mention time in my post it just doesn't sync up and that bothers me big time.
Like I made a big deal a while back about missing my deadline and writing at one in the morning therefore I hadn't written every day in the month so I broke my own contract. However when I published the post, it said I had written it at 11 PM, making me seem like a liar.
Plus I talk a lot about writing before bed, and when I publish those posts it just makes me feel like a nerdy senior citizen (but in all fairness I do sleep as much as the average senior citizen, and if it was socially acceptable I would sleep fifteen hours a day).

I'm sure you're all thinking, "Why doesn't she just figure out how to make the time in the proper zone." Well excuse me, judgemental, and I'm pretty sure you're mixing me up with someone who is computer literate.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed now since I just yurped (yawned and burped), and I'm going to bed at 12:14 AM, ok!

Have a good night's sleep.
Thanks for reading

            



                                 +                                            




                                      = Yurp

How To De-Stress

So I have been working since eleven in the morning and I will likely not end until after midnight. It's been a stressful day.
The house I was babysitting during the day not only had a sick baby, but two nervous Italian Greyhounds, both of whom decided not to be housebroken today. Basically I had to clean up poo, pee and barf all day. (Side note: I do not get the appeal of Italian Greyhound they're so skinny it's like petting a live nerve. Plus they all look like Monty Burns from The Simpsons).
I need to relax and never ever clean poo again. I will now list the many ways I de-stress my life.

-Take a bath. Yes this is a cliche, but nothing like immersing yourself in scalding hot water. I like to make a sweet playlist and sing-along.

-Re-read Bridget Jones's Diary Two: The Edge of Reason. The first book was aight but the second rocked (The opposite should be adhered to when watching the films). The best part is when Bridget Jones interviews Colin Firth, and she can't stop asking him about when he fell in the pond in Pride and Prejudice and his shirt was all wet and see-through. The first time I read this book was in grade ten and I couldn't put it down. Literally. Once I was reading it in the middle of a history class and the teacher caught me and then said, "I am so disappointed in you." It was a little brutal.

-Scream. Just for a few seconds. You can run the tap or something if your embarrassed, but there's nothing like a good shout to scare away the stress (it's a scientific fact!)

-Watch Gossip Girl. Do I really have to explain why? I already do the review so I'm sure you're all aware I have a problem. I'm addicted to watching/ telling people about the show. Yeah, I know guilty pleasures are supposed to be secret but this one is too much fun to talk about. It's gone from a guilty pleasure to just plain pleasure. Plus, I'm pretty sure Chuck Bass is my soul mate, NBD.

-Get drunk. I can't drink wine or beer so I've really started to love gin. It's weird, I never thought I would prefer one alcohol to another. There was a time when drinking was something you did in a school parking lot until you got to an uncomfortable house party where you were all ready tired because you wasted your high energy drunk on the TTC ride over.
But now I take my time and get slowly hammered as opposed to shit-faced in sixty seconds. It's classier. More mature, if you will. However for nostalgia's sake I think drinking in a school parking lot in the middle of winter something us over nineteens don't do nearly enough.

-Don't babysit young children. Your job description is essentially to not let the kids die, so after a while it gets a little nerve racking. Plus they say things like, "I'm going to tell my mom you punched me in the face."

Hopefully I've added a little tranquility to your weekend.
Thanks for reading!

 

Separated at birth, no?

How To Get Through Theatre School

Hey all. So as many of you know I went to theatre school. It was a fascinating, strange, uncomfortable, life-changing, exhausting, friendship-making, scary, boring, funny, sad, ridiculous, smart, silly, fantastic experience.
While I was riding the streetcar today, a theatre school memory popped up in my head that I could not get out, so it inspired this post.
I will now list The Top Five Moments of Theatre School, in no particular order.

1. In the last choir class of second year, our teacher thought it would be fun to have someone lie on the floor while we all gathered around her and said, "Light as a feather stiff as a board." We tried really hard to make this person levitate, but after ten minutes it didn't work. It also didn't help that we were all hysterically laughing, but I'd say we got a good five six minutes of seriously trying to make this person float. (Side Note: This is the memory!)

2. The entire Alexandria Project rehearsal (yeah I know that's not it's real name but I refuse to call it anything else). I would not characterize this as a good time in my life (or my classmates if I should be so bold) but because of the intense and exhausting rehearsals we would laugh so hard sometimes it would last for days. Most of the laughing was incredibly inappropriate but it really was more of a tension release.
An example of how inappropriate some of the laughter was, once I was remebering an earlier laugh attack (because it attacked you there's no other way to put it) while one of the directors was comparing a scene we were doing to the devestation in Haiti. Needless to say people thought I thought the earthquake in Haiti was a joke, that was fun day.

3. I'm just going to put it out there, Ker Wells. He knew I loved him, my entire class knew I loved him and now my reading public will know. This man made getting through tough days at school bearable. He was fit and made us work out all the time, the endorphins were flying. I've also made a vow that if I ever were to win an award for acting I would have to thank him because he is the sole reason I made it through all three years. He was my carrot at the end of a stick (that sounds gross, but think of it metaphorically).

4. The ladies of the class by the third year became very obsessed with tea. I used it as a way to get through boring rehearsals or classes. During our breaks we would discuss which tea we would buy and whether we should get a tiger brownie, later replaced by a cream cheese brownie (both were equally disgusting and delicious). Our tea loving became so great that eventually someone just brought a kettle and we kept tea in our lockers.

5. Our class had it's own language. The plays that we had performed had Arabic, Farsi, and Egyptian influences, which meant we learned a little bit of each language. Most of what we took away in the end I'm pretty sure has no resemblence to any of these languages but here's a little Humber Class 2010 vocabulary lesson:
Wahanab- What's going on? Or any general question/wanting to show affection to someone.
Soh Uh- The Soh Uh is to be dragged out and then followed with "Sooooohhhhh Uhhhh what's happening?" (shout out to Mirian K)
Yarub- A name used in one of the plays, said whenever, where ever as Anglicized/Persianafied as possible.

Hope you enjoyed a little taste of theatre school. Anyone choosing theatre as their path will have these little quirks to look forward to.
If I were to compare theatre school to anything it would be like one long crazy fever dream that I wouldn't change for anything.

Thanks for reading!

Ahh memories