How To Write One Hundred Posts!

Say word, this is my one hundredth post. This is very exciting for me. I don't think I've ever stuck with anything for one hundred times...Now I'm sad.
Anyways, to celebrate this momentous occasion I will do a top ten list of my favourite posts from the past six months.

10. E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over.
My very first post. The one that started it all. The whole reason why I started this blog was because my sister had gotten a job with the website e-how.com. She told me I should write a "How To" article, and get paid. This post was what I wrote. Samantha then informed me that the website would never accept this as a legitimate how to. Then her friend Stephanie told me I should write a blog instead for no money, and the rest is history.

9. How To Keep Up With A Blog.
I like this one because it was the first time I admitted that I never keep up with my blog. The best part about this post was I then did not write another post until more than a month later.

8. Al's Views.
Ah, the original Al's Views. This one's a goody because I delved into the psyche of being a child. Most of it was little violent episodes. Hmm, this worries me.

7. How To Be Lazy.
I like this one because it really fleshes out the theme of this entire blog. A blog about "How To Do...Something", but I have not actually researched or tried to attempt anything.

6. How To Babysit.
This is the first time that I ever mentioned the kid I babysit for. He takes up an annoyingly large part of my life for only seeing him for two to three hours a day.
Update: Yesterday he indirectly called me a nag.

5. How To Host A Talk Show.
This was a good idea, I really should get on this one.

4. How To Review: Gossip Girl.
The first of many to come. I like this one because it's mostly dedicated to my man Chuck Bass. Plus I posted a video of him just saying his name for four minutes. One day I'm going to write a post on "How To Get Over Chuck Bass", but I don't see that happening anytime soon, because yesterday I found this video on YouTube.

HOW CUTE IS HE?!

3. How To Be Quiet.

I like this post because it explores something that confounds me, quiet people. I should write my PhD on this subject...if I hadn't wasted my prime school years going to Theatre School, but I could still go university, I hope.

2. How To Form An Opinion.

I like this one because apparently it's controversial. I'm not a Scientologist, but the term has been coined is that I am a "Scientologist Sympathizer". Either way, the post was actually about me not wanting the Scientology centre to send me mail anymore...Ok! Just stop sending me mail.

  

1. How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo.

This one is a fan favourite, and I literally am a Scrub. You don't get an opportunity to really discover who you are all the time, unless you listen to early 2000's R&B/Pop.

Thanks for reading!

How To Review: Gossip Girl

Heeeeeeyyyy Allll, I am in a hyper mood right now so please deal with how ridiculously girly and non sensical this post will be!
But let me get the whole, "Sorry I keep skipping days thing" out. I'm finding it hard to find computer time these days so just bear with me. And keep on checking. A new post will come, I promise.

Ok so now for my favourite post of the week, my review on my one and only Gossip Girl.
Ahh, and once again not a fan of this week's episode.
If I was reviewing the second season every post would be, "Best episode ever!", but fourth season, not so much.

On last night's episode it took FIFTEEN MINUTES before Chuck Bass even showed his face. And they made it ever so suspenseful, hiding his face in the shadows.
Fortunately his first line was in response to Nate saying, "Single malt scotch, first thing in the morning?" and Chuck saying hilariously, "It takes the edge off the coke." So that was worth the wait, I think.

Other than that awesome entrance, I could tell the episode was going to bad news when Chuck agreed to go with the Reina character (Acck new characters please get off the show now) to  find her mom in freaking New Jersey.
Once Chuck crossed that Lincoln Tunnel I knew he would be in a storyline that I did not give a shit about.

The rest of the episode was Blair being stupid and getting Dan to stage a relationship with her so that her real relationship with the French Prince would be under wraps.
She was being so silly pretending to like Dan, when apparently Dan really likes Blair...and Serena... and Serena's cousin Charlie (Acck new characters please get off the show now).

You know who Dan doesn't like, Vanessa. He made it very clear this episode. However Dan's sooo judgemental of Vanessa telling on him (about the Blair kiss) to Serena, but has no issue with maybe sleeping with Serena's cousin or best friend.

Dan you remind me of this boy I was best friends with in grade three, Seamus (Pronounced Shamus. Name changed to protect identity).
Seamus was always my best friend until Rowan (Name also changed. Also I'm in a Keltic sort of mood.) showed the slightest of interest. Then it was like I didn't exist.
But all of a sudden by the next recess, you were hanging out with me again as if nothing happened. Damn you Seamus! And damn you Dan! And Vanessa we need to have an intervention.

Dear Vanessa,

You have wicked hair and was wearing a really interesting looking jacket on last night's episode. Not sure if I liked it. I think I did. I think I did.
Anyways, tell Dan Humphrey to fuck off. You live in NYC, you go to NYU, and you are pretty. Make new friends and leave him.
Besides, his new curly-que hairstyle is getting dangerously close to a Jerry-Curl/80's Brit Pop.
So to reiterate- Forget about Dan and I did like your coat.

P.S I know Dan's dad is married to Serena's mom but I feel like there was some definite chemistry between you two in the second season. I'm just saying, if you liked Dan... Hook it up!

Sincerely,
  Classic-Al

Oh and here's my little bitchy aside:
Blake Lively- you're gorgeous, in every scene you look like a super model, but OMFG girl please emote when you act. No matter what is happening to you in any situation you have the same breathy response. Just add one other emotion. Thanks.

And Nate, once again like I ask every week, just do something. Thanks.

And thanks for reading!! xoxo.

THIS, PLUS...

THIS, EQUALS...

THIS.

How To Not Go To Church

My mom is guilting me to go to church, woah I just have to stop myself right there and realize this has been a very religious centred week blog-wise. 

Like always, I blame society. Easter marketing has gotten out of control. I feel like no other year the ads have been this intense. Every two seconds there's a commercial about the Easter Bunny, and the comics in The Toronto Star all week have been Easterly (Yes I only read two things in the paper, the entertainment section and the comics. What's happening in Libya? I don't know. Is Benicio Del Toro the baby daddy to Rod Stewarts grand-baby? Yes!!). 

Plus there's that cartoon out, Hop, that has DA BEST Russell Brand in it. 

I love Russell Brand, which is apparently not a common belief. He's so delightfully British and I enjoy when he says that without fame his tight pants and big hair would be viewed as mental illness. And Arthur was so funny. I say yes, support Russell Brand. The boys in my improv troupe are either jealous or stupid. Fine they're not stupid, they're very, very nice. I just think everyone should read his books and be amazed by the fact that he is alive and healthy looking after all that heroin.   

Anyways, I don't want to go to church. Wah! But the guilt I will be put through will be too much to handle. The reason why I don't like church is because I feel I haven't progressed from the age of four. I get all fidgety and I just cannot pay attention to anything. Oh shoot I'll probably have to go. Oh man!

Happy Easter. Thanks for reading.

He's funny

How To... Damn I Did It Again!

So I was all like, "Oh sorry I took a week off so sorry never forget to post again", and I did. Oops . If I had a nickel for every time I claimed I was going to always write and then forget to write I'd have twenty cents. Which would be the most I have ever been paid for my writing. Does someone want to pay me? Wait, no I will  not be needy. Besides I have a job where I get abused by a seven year old.

Ok so I have just been interrupted by my sister claiming that I should remove the sentence in my previous post that said,
 "I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist." 
Because people will think that I am a Scientologist because people only half-read on the internet. 
I AM NOT A SCIENTOLOGIST, ok Sam!! 
But I guess if people are only half reading then they will not have gotten to this point in the post so it's a moo point (A cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. Love you Joey Tribianni).


Besides the whole point of me writing that post was that I had spent time at the Scientology centre because they offered a program called the Purification Rundown. I did not want to be one of those people who defames Scientology without actually meeting and talking with people who are Scientologists. I'm not just writing stuff to get  my opinion across, I'm writing stuff because they happened to me and I'm apparently not talented enough to write about imaginary things. 
I really dislike when people are on their high horse about certain religions, beliefs, without actually experiencing or at the very least studying the issue (and not by reading Paul Haggis' article).


Besides, the creators of South Park wrote an entire musical on Mormonism and no one is calling them Mormons, Sam!


I never studied the works of L.Ron Hubbard. Quite frankly I'm not a religious person, so if thousands of years of Catholicism has not permeated my beliefs, some guy in a desert sixty years ago, isn't going to get me all excited about the notion.

So to reiterate, I am not a Scientologist, and can someone pay me.

Thanks for reading.

My opinion matters too!

How To Form An Opinion

Today is anything goes Wednesday (the only day I seem to truly adhere to in my self-imposed rules), I like it because I can write anything. I feel free on Wednesdays. When most people feel shackled  by their mid-week obligations (work, school etc) I sit on my computer and muse about what has just occurred to me.

Like right now the mail just came, and I got a letter from The Church of Scientology. Now some of you may be thinking, "Junk mail", but no. My shameful/not at all shamed secret is...
I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist.

Ok now here's the back story; I got a serious allergic reaction to antibiotics (because my immune system is a dandelion) and the Scientology centre had a program where you can go and sweat out toxins.
Look I'm not going to get into details but it helped. However it was truly the craziest experience I have ever lived through.
I met Chernobyl survivors, born-again Christians who were now born-again Scientologists, ex-cocaine addicts (the detox helped so much that the cartilage in his nose regenerated) and a thirteen year old kid who was a part of something called The Sea Org. Now this is where Scientology gets CARAZAY!!!

So L. Ron Hubbard believes that if children make up their mind about what they want to be when they grow up, they can be it. It does not matter the age.
So by his logic I would now be a bat. Yes when I was a kid I sincerely wanted to be a bat when I grew up (I don't know why, but I thought it was a possibility. Where did you think bats came from?).
So basically if a kid decides at five-years old he wants to be a life long Scientologist, bam, he could be one literally forever.
You actually become indebted to Scientology because they pay for everything for you; food, housing, clothes, etc. However here's the evil catch, let's say at sixteen you want to leave because maybe you've lost your faith, you have to pay Scientology back all the money they have spent on you. Plus they make sure it's really hard for you to leave because they make you live on a ship.

Scary, yes. Are they making a child army like Paul Haggis suggests, I don't think so.

Here's where my post is going to get a little bit controversial. All religions have a CARAZAY side to them. Maybe not in the financial sense of Scientology, but religions from the beginning of time have used children to get their message across.
And it's not like Scientology is recruiting these children. Most of them have parents or family members that are devout Scientologists (that or they were serious drug addicts who Scientology has put through their version or rehab).
So think about it, if you are a religious person chances are it is because of your parents are religious. And the people who turn to Scientology are people who were destined to turn to some sort of organization.
If it wasn't Scientology then maybe it would be Mormonism, Christianity or Fruitarianism (but those Fruitarians are fucking nuts!).

But it is very good that Paul Haggis is speaking out about the injustices. But once upon a time, he too needed something to believe in and Scientology was there for him. Would he have won an oscar without them? Not that the ends justify the means (like at all!). But it makes you think where would he be career wise without them?
Hey man those Scientologists hold clout. When I was doing the detox I had a chance to meet John Travolta (but I didn't and regret it ok. I love you Danny Zuko!).

So one can't really grind their teeth and curse L.Ron because then they got to do it to everyone (I'm talking to you Buddha, I know behind that chillaxical exterior there's a bunch of children on a boat somewhere mopping decks for you!).

However my true belief is Scientology is SO NOT a religion. It's a theory, a philosophy if you will.
But that's besides the point because the people who chose to worship at the feet of L. Ron, just have the need to worship at the feet of something or someone.

But back to the mail. Scientology STOP SENDING ME MAIL!!!@!!!!WEBQKE F@BF JBA CJWGW
It's a damn waste of paper, plastic, DVDs and my sanity.

Thanks for reading.

Hi my name is Alessandra Vite, I used to be a human being. So basically believe in your dreams!

How To Be Back Baby!!

I took a week off. It won't happen again...anytime soon.

Alls I knows is break's over, I wanna write my review on the newest episode of Gossip Girl!
That's right, after two months it is finally back on the air.
I was so freaking excited for this episode because it  promised Blair and Chuck drama (or Chair as someone has coined their relationship name. Ha, Chair. I feel like no matter who I date I will never be able to have a cool combined nick-name like that. What combines with Alessandra? What if I date a guy named Felix... Felissandra? Terrible, it sounds like someone is feeling the name Alessandra).

Anyways the episode totally disappointed.
Now I don't want to be the kind of person that is all self righteous about how a T.V show's plot line should go according to my personal beliefs. I hate that shit.
Seeing reviews on movies and T.V shows always gets me down because most of the time I disagree with the reviewer (DAMN YOU OUZOUNIAN!) And people are so petty. But I have my reasons why I didn't like this episode and they aren't petty.

Well actually, why don't I get the petty issues out of the way.
Ummm, Chuck was in the episode for like ten minutes. As Tim Gunn says, "This worries me." I keep reading articles that Ed Westwick is wanting out of the show, same with Blake Lively.
Plus they keep adding new characters, like Serena's useless cousin, and when they start adding characters that's when the good actors start leaving.
Example: The O.C. All of a sudden out of nowhere Marissa has a younger sister. Then bam, Marissa dies.
Example: The Fresh Prince of Bel-air. All of a sudden cousin Nicky is born and bam, a year later the Fresh Prince dies! (Or ends after six seasons, same difference.)

I'm starting to realize that I only like GG because of Chuck and occasionally Blair. I just want Gossip Girl to end in a nice way, not go down the Grey's Anatomy path.

Anyways now the actual episode. Nothing really happened except setting up that Serena has a poor cousin (Oh no, not poor!). So she buys her clothes and turns her against her mother within two hours of meeting.
Serena, you're acting crazy but because you have nice hair everyone's on your side.

Blair realized she wanted to be with Chuck not Dan. But Chuck was all intense and rude (classic Chuck) so Blair called him a child (that was very good) and Dan was all, "Oh the kiss didn't mean anything to me, unless it meant something to you Blair?...Oh it didn't. I guess I'll pine after Serena again. Vanessa? Why do you still exist?"

Then at the very end of the episode Blair's Parisian fling (who's an actual prince) comes to New York to marry her (he had her high heel shoe that she left for him and everything!).

Oh and there's some storyline with Nate, but... I just don't care. Nate be interesting!

So now I have to watch next weeks episode, obvi. Or I could just watch the coming attractions because those "Next Week on Gossip Girl", promos are very exciting.

But just like Gossip Girl, I'm back so thanks for reading. Next time when I take a break, I'll let you know. All nine of you. But you nine are the best!

How suspenseful!

How To Name A Book

So I often think of titles for books in my head that I will never write.
Every time I hear a good line or a deep song title I think that could be the name for my memoir.
Here is a list of titles of memoirs I will probably never write...or will I?

Don't Cry Out Loud: The Alessandra Vite Story
-I thought of this one a long time ago. I also have names for the beginning of each chapter.
Chapter 1: Just Keep It Inside
Chapter 2: Learn How To Hide Your Feelings
Chapter 10: Fly High And Proud
Final Chapter: And If You Should Fall, Remember You Almost Made It


But Where Did The Ham Come From? Rants From An Over The Hill Babysitter
-I came up with this one today after the kid I took care of had a piece of ham in his pocket.


Send In The Clowns: Alessandra Vite,  Love Story
-Send In The Clowns has been a long time theme in my life. I don't feel like explaining it now, OK!

Stick A Fork In It I'm Done!

And now I'm done.

Thanks for reading!

And this will be the cover of EVERY SINGLE book I'll write

How To Decide: Would You Rather.. Again?

So I have just been asked the question would you kill a completely innocent man if you knew his death would end world hunger?
I guess so. But would I get charged with murder? How guilty would I feel because I killed someone? Now I feel guilty because my feelings are more important than starving children. FINE I'll kill him. Jesus.

Second question I was asked was; would you rather live the life you have now as is, or, choose to live for twenty-five years starting now, knowing that every minute of everyday of that life will be lived in extreme happiness?
Well, I'd take the twenty-five happiness filled years, but then again is my life so sad that I don't wanna live it out?
Well I guess if I combined the two questions together I could solve world hunger and be happy for twenty-five years. Alright would you rather, defeated!

What would you rather?

Thanks for reading.

Twenty-five years of this, say word!

Al's Views 11

Oh my god I was almost about to go to sleep when I realized I was going to miss out writing Al's Views!

I was lying in my bed trying to sleep because I'm tired (obvi) but the image of Rufus Wainwright slowly walking across a stage silently, in a giant, glittery cape kept flashing through my mind.
Now I know you're all thinking, "Whaa?", but there's a backstory.

A few months ago I saw Rufus Wainwright in concert with my friends Tanya and Kat. Tanya had never been to a concert before in her life.
I, having been to many concerts, acting like a veteren kept saying, "Oh concerts are the best, they're not like theatre. You can drink, arrive late. Anything goes at a concert".
Well anything did not go. We get there with two minutes to spare and there are two large signs saying, "Latecomers will not be allowed in", and "No food or drink inside".
I turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually is".

Then when we get inside, someone comes on stage explaining that the first half of the concert will be a song cycle where the audience is forbidden to clap.
I then turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually goes. And it was definitely not how a concert usually went.

Rufus comes on stage in dead silence with a twenty-foot cape trailing behind him. And the cape glittered (in case you didn't know RW is gay, the cape subtly let you know).
He walked to the piano for at least four minutes, but by thirty seconds I was punching my leg in order to stop myself from bursting into laughter. I eventually laughed into my purse. It was just so uncomfortably strange.
The song cycle then commenced where not a single word was audible and some songs were in French. So basically if one was supposed to get the story of the cycle, it wasn't happening.
The only song you could make out the words to, was one where he kept saying, "Martha pick up the phone, Maaaaarrrrrttttha, pick up the phone".
His sister's name is Martha and I guess she isn't good at answering her cell.
Plus there was a projection behind him of a single eye in black make-up slowly opening and closing. Then there was the same black eye, but  multiples of it, various sizes all over the screen. It was two parts unpleasent with a sprig of ridiculously boring. 

Then the second half of the concert was a regular music concert with applause and everything. I just have to take Tanya to a regular concert where we can drink, applaud, laugh and enjoy ourselves.

But now as I try to get to sleep, Rufus is ever so slowly walking across my mind's eye.

This must be the rehearsal cape, cause the one I saw sparkled.

And this was the eye.

How To Be Clumsy

I'm clumsy. It's not even an opinion, it's a fact. I think it has to do with my constant need to touch things and not care about how I handle them.

Example: There was a time from age 8 to 15 where every time I would touch something in my friends room I'd break it. I don't know how, it was inevitable. The only reason why things don't break now is because I consciously do not touch anything.

You should see how I cook. I'm a good cook, but people are physically scared to be near me. When I cut garlic I had a friend close her eyes. It's why I believe I won't be hired at a restaurant (right? But how do they know from just my resume?).

Tonight after work I came home after a day of carrying a twenty pound baby and my clumsiness is unstoppable.
I can barely type and in ten minutes I have dropped- my bike key, a pen four times, my cell phone (this happens daily so doesn't really count), my date book, and my will to live.

I think I'll stop typing before the computer ends up in two pieces.

Thanks for reading!

Play this

With this on mute

How To Cry

I was looking at my blog statistics and they are as confusing as they do suck.
The stats tell me I've only had one page view in the past week, thirteen in the month overall, and I lost my follower from Bangladesh! What gives? I love the Bangladeshian people.
They come from a sovereign state in South Asia. It's also the eighth most populous country in the world. Not one person out of the entire densely populated nation can spend his or her time reading my little blog?! What changed? Do you not like Chuck Bass?

I know it's not classy to complain but I'm complaining. Besides no one is reading so I can write anything I want fence warmer.
Well with this welcoming and entertaining post I assume everyone's going to get on the
Classic-Al/Amazing Bastard's bandwagon, right?

Whenever I get down on myself I think of all the positives in my life. I have a computer. I have a blog (oh wait these are the negatives I can't do nothin' right!).

Just tell people about the blog or I'll threaten you with another post like this.
And Belgium, I like your people too, so I think you'd like my blog.
It's better than a Prime Minister's address from Yves Leterme, am I right?(That ought to get me at least half a Belgian and or a Beligian enthusiast).
Thanks for reading.

"Love me, love me!" Classic Yves, am I right?

How To...OMG Amazing

So I was wasting time before I had to go somewhere and I stumbled upon the GREATEST website ever. It's the Wu-Tang Name Generator. All you do is enter your name and it tells you what your
Wu-Tang Clan name would be.
So my names are:
Alessandra- Mighty Warrior (meh)
Alessandra Vite- Amazing Bastard (OMG BEST NAME EVER!)
Classic-Al- Wacko Beggar (Apt, I think).

Then I started putting in my family's names because I was having too much fun.
Their names are:
Samantha Vite- Wicked Beggar (Biter!)
Vanessa Vite- Amateur Prophet (I'm jealous)
Marcello Vite- Phantom Watcher (This frightens me)
Mary Vite- Smilin' Commander (Positive, I like)

Turns out this is how Donald Glover, actor on Community now legit-ish rapper got his rap name, Childish Gambino (THIS is an example of how funny he is).
I really should have consulted this website before I named my blog.
Have as much fun with this as I have!
Peace out!
-Wacko Beggar (AKA Amazing Bastard)

Childish Gambino!

How To Make It Up

I don't feel like writing, so instead everything I type is a song.
Making it musical, won't make the task seem so long.

I like my blog, but sometimes I hate my computer.
Oh my god, how am I supposed to rhyme with computer?

If I had my way, I could think about it and my blog would be posted,
I have to eat dinner, I hope the bread is toasted.

Na na na na na na, na na na na na.

I'm gonna get some socks on, because my feet are cold.
I thought it was springtime, but Toronto weather is making me bold.

I have a day off tomorrow, I'll probably just chill.
That's because when I work I don't get paid in bill....s.

Na na na na na na na, na na na na na.

Thanks for reading my inner thoughts,
You guys are cool like astronauts!

Na na na na na na. Na na na na NA!!

Pretend this is me singing, na na na na na.

How To Count

I'm sleepy. I've been out since 10 AM, it's now 11 PM, so that's a big day for me.
Since I wrote such a long post yesterday and included a full episode of The Cosby Show, I'll leave you with this:
Tonight I was in an improv class where the word whore was used nine times in different ways and in different scenes. I've  written about this in the past, but apparently it is now an epidemic.
Just quit it ok, it's not that funny (except this one guy was playing a dinosaur in a scene and said, "I once dated a velociraptor, she was a whore", that was funny. But he was an extremely skilled improvisor who said many other funny lines).
Rambling on about your "whore mother", not so funny.
Why this word bothers me, not so sure. Maybe because it is specifically made to make women's sexual choices wrong and shameful.
Plus what the hell am I supposed to do in a scene when someone calls me a whore? Where does that scene go? Tell me, because I have to deal with this often.
Anyways, sorry for being such a downer, but made you think, ehhh!

Thanks for reading!

This was the first image that came up when I googled "whore", it's apt I think.

Al's Views 10

Hey all. I woke up this morning at 7:30 AM, to do a workout at 8 AM. I have joined my sister's personal trainer friend's Spring Workout Group (I was invited to do so on Facebook).

I was very excited and terrified to workout that early on a Sunday, but I have worked out earlier (not to brag or anything).
Once when I was desperately trying to get a part-time job in mid-November (turns out I'm unhirable, who knew? Well the entire retail workforce did, but that's besides the point), I got a job interivew at Lululemon.
The happy, perky, tall girls of Lululemon informed me that the interview would be in two parts. The first part would be a hour long spinning class. The second part would be the actual interview. Oh and by the by, the class starts at 6:30 AM so then you can get your workout out of the way first thing, isn't that clever?
This job interview combined the two things I truly hate: job interviews and being judged while exercising.
Needless to say I went, at 6:30 in the morning (technically 6:15 because you had to sign up for the class before hand), and did a hour long spinning class.
Oh, and I didn't get the job. I blame my height. The two girls interviewing me were impossibly tall.

So an eight AM workout didn't seem too daunting.
However the night before I went to bed with a full tummy. This is a no-no for me usually just out of principle but last night I discovered that it's a practical rule too.
If you are anything like me you watched The Cosby Show growing up (Sidenote: His name on the show is Cliff Huxtable. Why is it called The Cosby Show, it should be called, The Huxtable Show!). There was one episode that really stayed with me, and that was the one where Cliff ate junk food before going to bed and he had nightmares all night.
Well whoever wrote that episode is writing it based on fact. I had crazy nightmares all night long. One of them included me owning a bull dog that moved in slow motion yet still killed my cat and repeatedly bit me. I could feel the bites!
Another dream had my legs feel super heavy and I couldn't move away from the gathering darkness, it was spooky!

But I still woke up, did the workout and vowed to never eat before bed.
Thanks for reading.

Now please enjoy the entire episode of "Cliff's Nightmare"

How To Decide: Would You Rather..?

Like I've mentioned before I love the game, "Would You Rather". I remember I had a book on it when I was a kid it was called "Would You Rather?" (inventive title) by John Burningham. On the cover there was a little boy riding a scooter with a pig.
Not really sure what that has to do with choosing between one thing or another, but I guess if that image is answering a question, the question would be,
  "Would you rather ride on a scooter with a pig or a turkey?"
Obviously the answer would have to be a pig, because turkeys are ugly.
Also, have you ever seen a turkey vulture? It'll haunt your dreams.
Once, a little girl I was taking care of made me look at a book of Ontario's raptors. She kept trying to get me to agree with her that the turkey vulture was cute. I know she was six but I just couldn't do it. It felt morally wrong.

Today I thought I would answer the questions that were posed on the back of the book (because that's all amazon.com let's you see).

First WYR: Would you rather drink snail squash or eat mashed worms?
Hmm, I just don't know what kind of situation I would be in where these would be necessary options. I know my true and tried "Would You Rather" (kissing a goat or killing it humanely) is a situation that I swear to god could happen.
But snail or worm mush? I guess snail's, because I've willingly eaten snails (escargots), and worms remind me of grade seven science (the smell of formaldehyde is imprinted on my sinuses forever!).

Second WYR: Would you rather help a witch make stew or tickle a monkey? Um, this is a no brainer, obviously tickle a monkey!
How delightful would that be making a monkey laugh? I wouldn't even have to be forced to do this one.
If there was a monkey in my house right now, I assure you I would be tickling it.

Thanks for reading!

I freaking loved this book. It has informed most of my adult life.

OH DEAR GOD!

How To Have A Tummy Ache

Yesterday I had a day long tummy ache. My sister Samantha hates when I use the word tummy. Every time I say, "Oh my tummy is full", she always asks, "Your what is full?" and then I respond, "Tummy". Then I rub it.
Sam thinks this is a word only children should use but I feel that my stomach is more of a tummy than a stomach. Stomach is such a technical, sterile kind of word. But tummy is warm, and you can really visualize the food inside of it being all warm and happy. I mean I understand that it seems childish but I enjoy tummy. Plus I never have to wonder if the word tummy ends in an E (stomach and potato, I just can never be sure if they need an E).

But as I was in pain, I decided to not be bored and began to watch this T.V show Pushing Daisies.
This show is delightful. I remember when it was originally on and everyone was telling me to watch it but, meh, it looked too Tim Burtonish for my liking. But it's not (and it is),  it's sort of like Babe without the pig.

The way PD is like Babe, is both deal with unsavoury subject matters (farm animal death, human death, pining for someone you can't touch or else she'll die), in the most adorable way possible.
There's a delightful narrator (unfortunately not three mice), bright coulours and random musical moments that are sweet and appropriate (not contrived, yes last night's Grey's Anatomy episode I'm talking to you! And don't get me started on how much you ripped off the musical episode of Scrubs. Haven't you taken enough from Scrubs?)
And just in case you're not already sold (which I feel like twenty percent of my readership is, but the rest I'll never get to watch a show like this), Pushing Daisies has just the cutest boy ever (Lee Pace, who fortunately does not look like a baby pig) He seems like an affable bloke.

Pushing Daises is the tummy equivalent of a T.V show. I definitely recommend if you are under the weather.

Thanks for reading! (I hope ABC pays me for this post, I'm still waiting on cheques from Gossip Girl,
Jon Hamm, Chuck Bass, and Javier Bardem)

Don't you just wanna pinch this show?!