How To Deal With Awards Season

My favourite time of year once again is upon us- awards season. With the Golden Globe Nominations released this morning, awards season is officially on. And let's be serious, I know the Spirit Award nods came out last week along with the Critics' Choice picks, but like I always say, "If it didn't happen on T.V, it most likely did not happen."

So, the Golden Globes, so exciting, until you see who was nominated.

The major issue- 
Alice in Wonderland was nominated for best Comedy/Musical.

First issue- Alice In Wonderland was neither a comedy or a musical.
Second issue- It was terrible.

So I know that people are going to say, "Film critiquing is so subjective how can you say that?" but in fact let's break down Alice In Wonderland objectively-


Objective Thesis:
OH MY GOD IT WAS SO BORING, I SAW IT IN 3-D AND I WAS DRUNK, YET I STILL FELL ASLEEP. NOT TO MENTION IT WAS THE SECOND TIME ALICE HAD GONE TO WONDERLAND SO THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS HER GOING "OH I THINK I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE". 
Objective Property #1: I judge how good a film is, by how hard I try not to fall asleep in it. With Alice in Wonderland, I fell asleep around the time... Ok I do not remember when I fell asleep, it was all one big blur of an extremely pale girl hanging out with a terrifying Johnny Depp (who is also nominated for AIW, along with The Tourist, but do not get me started on that).
Now I know you're thinking, "But Al, you fall asleep during films all the time, that is a classic-al." Regardless! Anyone who goes into a dark room, with comfortable chairs after eating popcorn and doesn't fall asleep is a robot. So no fight was had to stay awake, err go, movie is not good.
Objective Property # 2: Anything in 3-D is slightly more interesting than 2-D it is a tried and true movie making fact. Try watching Avatar in 2-D and tell me how the script was? (Riveting I bet, rumour has it that the other name for Unobtanium was Obviousmethaphorium.)
Yet despite the 3-Dness, AIW could not win me over, along with the eight year old next to me.
Objective Property # 3: Umm, I was drunk. I chose to go pee not once but three times during the movie. My body literally rejected the movie.
Conclusion: Alice In Wonderland is an objectively bad movie. Yet it is a multiple nominee.

Oh Golden Globes, there are so many issues it's hard to nail one down. Burlesque was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were nominated for Love and Other Drugs, yet you did not nominate the Dad in Modern Family. What is going on? There was a time when the obviousness of production companies buying the nominations were subtle. What happened to class? Throw in a big budget film or and A-list actor but make sure that people actually liked the movie/performance.
The Kraken in Clash of the Titans clearly does not have the same manager as Anne Hathaway, because its performance at the very least was believable.

So this year, when navigating through the many ups and downs of this awards season remember you can't always get what you want (unless you are the Weinsteins, Tim Burtons' people, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Mark Wahlberg or Amy Adams) But you can get a pretty good show out of it.