How To Be A Woman

No this post is not about your first period, ok! Today just happened to be a very womanly day. In the morning I went shopping with my mom, very stereotypically womany and then at night I saw a one-woman show called Wit's End III: Love Story, by Sandra Shamas.
This play did include your first period. It was alright, not that funny. She talked a lot about menopause and learning about puberty in the 60's, so not much there for me. I also was the youngest person in the audience by like thirty-nine years. Still, I felt like I was supporting the women comedian cause.

But I figure since I am born on International Women's Day I'll muse about a few woman-like things.

Today in Shopper's Drugmart there was a brand of lip gloss called Mother-Pucker, which had the tagline "It's a scientific fact that men like fuller lips, so you shoud have fuller lips!"
There's just so many things wrong with that sentence.
First off, grammatically it just don't make no sense. And aren't taglines supposed to be catchy like "Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar"? (of course I would know a chocolate bar's jingle, I am a woman after all.)
Secondly, really? Is this company really saying buy this product and scientifically men will be attracted to you. Who are these lip gloss scientists? I feel sad for them because they probably went to school to learn about curing diseases, not figuring out how to make thirteen year old girls' lips plumper.
Thirdly, wow companies think women are either a) stupid b) sad c) desperate d) masochists.
I say d) masochists, because have you ever tried a lip plumper? They burn the shit out of your lips and there is hardly a difference.
Also, if any make-up any woman has ever bought has gotten them in a long-term relationship with a man, that item should be in a museum.
Fourthly, you decided to call the gloss Mother Pucker, really? It sounds like a messed up nursery rhyme.

Unfortunatley there will be that eleven year old girl who will read that statement and unknowingly internalize it, and then has one more reason to feel inferior. As someone with fuller lips let me tell you this, they are a lot of work. They take up such a large part of your face, need constant moisture and can actually get in the way of talking. I could only imagine what fake ones would be like. Plus no scientist has ever come up to me and told me that I am scientifically more attractive to men. Not one!

So fuck Mother Pucker. It's a scientific fact that all products sold at Shopper's Drugmart don't actually work.
And yay women, it's a scientific fact that we can do better.

Thanks for reading!

Crucial? Really??!?!