How To Be Serious

So since I've taken up studying comedy and doing improv every day (it feels like, not true. But then again isn't everything improv? Right now me typing these words is in fact improvisational. I feel like I am taking you-the reader, along for a journey of what the hell will she say next... you don't know and it scares you...Improv!), I feel that I don't do enough genuinely serious tasks in my life.

So last week I decided to see a serious documentary in the Hot Docs Film Festival, entitled  You've Been Trumped.
Ironically the movie's title kept confusing my friend and I who went to see it. Every time the title was spoken to us we kept thinking we in fact had been fooled and the show was sold out (it happened three times. It's a confusing title!).

Anyways, the movie (talkie) was about the bully that it Donald Trump. Mr. Trump wants to and is currently building a giant golf course on one of the world's last dune eco-systems. Also people live there. People full out live there and Trump's all, "The houses on this property are disgusting slums, these people are a shame to Scotland".
Dickish, yes, but I feel that the people of this land should not take his slander too personally; because whether you are an eighty-three year old Scottish farmer or President of the United States, Trump will speak this way to you. Therefore one does not have to feel it is a personal attack (unless he destroys your house and the land you live on, then I guess take it personally).

The worst part of the film is how unapologetic Trump is in his actions towards the townspeople. He even had a television special on GolfTV, proudly voicing his opinions on how ugly one man's home was and that the parking lot of his giant hotel is a much better option.

After all this seriousness I think I'm going to write a sketch about this movie. It has funny potential. Hence why I can't be serious longer than ninety minutes. But I'm trying, I'm trying.

Thanks for reading!

It's a very serious trailer

How To Review: Gossip Girl

So my blog has become a Gossip Girl review site because it seems to be the only time I write. But in my defence this week's episode was so good, I can't even call this show a guilty pleasure anymore. Just a pleasure pleasure (Like Justin Timberlake).

However before I continue with my review I have to let you all know that for the past three weeks every time I sit down to watch Gossip Girl the centipede that lives in my basement comes out. I assume to watch the show. He's a little late in the season but is quite the dedicated viewer. As a viewing companion he adds external tension to the show by scaring the shit out of me. The fear this creature instills in me really forces me to only stare at the t.v and become truly enraptured in whatever storyline is unfolding (unless it has to do with Nate or Serena's brother, only a hypnotist could do that).

The reason I believe this to be one of the better episodes is that Chuck was all up in this episode. I'm trying not to be biased but Chuck centred episodes are better, just because ok!

Plus Chuck's hilarious Uncle Jack(Desmond Harrington, Dexter's Joey Quinn) came back to mess with him. Uncle Jack is the man! His sole purpose for being on the show is to fuck up Chuck's life. It's great.
He also had the best line of the night with,
"I'm starving and all you have in your fridge (Chuck's) is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms"
The best part of the line was the placement of it in the scene. While the Thorpe character was literally begging for his life, Uncle Jack kept interrupting with how hungry he was. It sounds psychopathic but it was quirky and dare I say intentionally funny.

Last night's episode was the Gossip Girl I have been missing. The legitimately funny, well casted Gossip Girl. It felt like second season all over again with Blair not wanting and wanting Chuck. Plus history was made where Chuck slightly smiled.

And in a slightly interesting turn of events Serena's storyline with her useless cousin has gone all Single White Female.
Though this is a new idea for the show (not in general, in fact the exact same storyline happened with the Annie character in 90210) (Btw, I don't watch that show...anymore...often) it has the old habit of Dan dating the crazy girl.
So now Dan's dating the cousin who wants to kill Serena, where before he dated the ex-best friend (Georgina) who wanted to kill Serena, and had a little hiatus dating his best friend Vanessa who hates/thinks Serena is soulless.
Dan you have a pattern, acknowledge it and move on (to killing Serena).

Next week is the season finale (oh sad!) and I will be posting a video blog!(A vlog if you will.)
So stay tuned and I promise I'll try not to mention Gossip Girl until September..ish, June why don't we just say June.

I want to be in the Bass family, look at how they have normal conversations!

How To Do Posts Besides Gossip GIrl Reviews

Hey all I think I'm going to make another vow about doing my blog everyday because if I don't write everyday that means people don't visit my site everyday and then no one visits and then what's the point.

However I was looking at my blog stats (cause I'm vain) and my Bangladesh follower is back, YAY! Thanks you fine Bangladeshian I greatly appreciate the support.

So today the craziest thing ever happened with the seven year old that I take care of... No he didn't berate me, no he also didn't throw rocks at me for forty-five minutes.
What we did do was sit in silence while writing stories for half an hour.
I am literally speechless. This cites precedent, never in my four months of taking care of him have we ever thoughtfully sat nicely and quietly together. I am so grateful and also weary of what's to come on Monday because I feel that I may have hit my peak with him behaving well. I don't know how he can top it (but I definitely know how he can bottom it- telling me that he's going to tell his mom I hit him, this is what I deal with!).

So thank you crazy seven-year old for that beautiful behaviour; and thank all of you (especially those of Bangladesh viewers) for reading.

P.S I had cotton candy ice cream cake for the first time in my life today and I can feel the sugar pumping through my veins. Don't do it (but also, kind of do it).

It's the colour of a hallucination 

How To Review: Gossip Girl

Hey all. So last night's episode was a doozy. (Side note: While trying to figure out what date the season finale of Gossip Girl is on I stumbled on many, many other GG reviews. It was unsettling. But mine are better, right? RIGHT?)

Anyhow I watched the fist half of the episode with my mother, who, after twenty minutes said,
"This is just a soap opera with barbie dolls" and left.
However in Gossip Girl's defence my mom thinks everything on television (with the exception of the dearly departed Larry King Live) is a soap opera. She once called The Larry Sanders Show a soap opera. So I'm beginning to think that television shows with plots in her mind qualify as soap operas.

But at the same time I definitely understand where she's coming from, the first half of the episode sucked. It had weird lighting, was musicless, and Serena and Nate acted in it.
However the second half was ridic!
(Personal note: Vanessa stop reading. I give away everything that's Chuck related. But don't worry no mention of any other storyline, because, well I just don't care.)

First of all Chuck had a beard and was literally drunk the entire episode! It was magical .
Sadly he shaved the fuzz when he went to go fight for Blair. Unfortunately whilst he was shaving he forgot to get sober and just pissed Blair right off.
He also tried to rape Blair in the last two minutes of the show. It was intense, and a classic Chuck move. The attempted-rape count for this character has now reached three.
Man alive Chuck, I love you, you know I do, but rape is never the answer, no matter what.

Now Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco and Chuck seems suicidal.
There are just two episodes left, how will Chuck and Blair get back together? (It's like a math problem for sad single girls)
Well from my many hours of marathoning Gossip Girl I think I know exactly how it will go down.

Classic-Al's Estimation of How the Last Two Minutes of The Gossip Girl Season Four Finale Will Go Down

Setting: 
The entire episode is going to try really hard to make you believe that Blair is married to the Prince and moving to Paris.
It's also going to try to make you think that Chuck is either: dead, slutting it up, or that he hates Blair.

Then in the last two minutes this song will come on (please play simultaneously with the below dialogue)

Blair will run to find Chuck (because Chuck doesn't come to you, you go to Chuck) who is about to get on his private jet.

BLAIR: Chuck! (in a high pitched voice about to crack from sadness)

CHUCK: Blair? (In the raspy whisper of a scotch drinking jaguar)

BLAIR: Where are you going?

CHUCK: To my private country, Chuckatoria Bassland. I thought you married the prince?

BLAIR: I couldn't do it. Your Chuck Bass and I love you.

CHUCK: I am Chuck Bass, and I l..lo...l.. I can't say it.

BLAIR: I left royalty for you! Just say it dammit!

CHUCK: I love you.

Then this song will play

So just two more weeks until the finale!!!
And just two more Gossip Girl Reviews, which are you sadder about?
Thanks for reading!

Al's Views 12

OMG I have not written an Al's Views in weeks. Well first off, I have many views, I'm just too scattered to put them all down.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Uh-oh this is going to be an Al's Views about the election tomorrow", well no it's not because I don't know who to vote for and do you remember that show Uh-Oh? Best YTV show by far.
Now when I think back on that show it seems to me to be an excuse to just humiliate and beat young children. Every challenge was disgusting and painful looking, but the kids were really into it.

I am sure when that show was being pitched to YTV there must have been one person in that room saying,    

"Now wait a minute guys; we're going to go to schools, get groups of children to do painful and degrading acts, not pay them and the children will literally be begging to go on this show. I don't know about this."

Well all I can say is that guy must have been fired because the kids in my class were suicidal about getting on that show. I remember the grade ahead of mine got to be audience members and the anger that was had in my class that day.

But like I have said time and time again, kids are nuts. There used to be a game that let you make your own candy that was shaped like insects. My friend had it. It was disgusting, but boy was I jealous.

Now kids are all hopped up on Wii and Net Flix and iPad.
I miss the simpler times of The Game of Life and watching your friend on Uh-Oh getting just destroyed by a bowl of spaghetti in grape jelly.

Thanks for reading!

I really wanted the t-shirt version of this. Badly!

How To Write One Hundred Posts!

Say word, this is my one hundredth post. This is very exciting for me. I don't think I've ever stuck with anything for one hundred times...Now I'm sad.
Anyways, to celebrate this momentous occasion I will do a top ten list of my favourite posts from the past six months.

10. E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over.
My very first post. The one that started it all. The whole reason why I started this blog was because my sister had gotten a job with the website e-how.com. She told me I should write a "How To" article, and get paid. This post was what I wrote. Samantha then informed me that the website would never accept this as a legitimate how to. Then her friend Stephanie told me I should write a blog instead for no money, and the rest is history.

9. How To Keep Up With A Blog.
I like this one because it was the first time I admitted that I never keep up with my blog. The best part about this post was I then did not write another post until more than a month later.

8. Al's Views.
Ah, the original Al's Views. This one's a goody because I delved into the psyche of being a child. Most of it was little violent episodes. Hmm, this worries me.

7. How To Be Lazy.
I like this one because it really fleshes out the theme of this entire blog. A blog about "How To Do...Something", but I have not actually researched or tried to attempt anything.

6. How To Babysit.
This is the first time that I ever mentioned the kid I babysit for. He takes up an annoyingly large part of my life for only seeing him for two to three hours a day.
Update: Yesterday he indirectly called me a nag.

5. How To Host A Talk Show.
This was a good idea, I really should get on this one.

4. How To Review: Gossip Girl.
The first of many to come. I like this one because it's mostly dedicated to my man Chuck Bass. Plus I posted a video of him just saying his name for four minutes. One day I'm going to write a post on "How To Get Over Chuck Bass", but I don't see that happening anytime soon, because yesterday I found this video on YouTube.

HOW CUTE IS HE?!

3. How To Be Quiet.

I like this post because it explores something that confounds me, quiet people. I should write my PhD on this subject...if I hadn't wasted my prime school years going to Theatre School, but I could still go university, I hope.

2. How To Form An Opinion.

I like this one because apparently it's controversial. I'm not a Scientologist, but the term has been coined is that I am a "Scientologist Sympathizer". Either way, the post was actually about me not wanting the Scientology centre to send me mail anymore...Ok! Just stop sending me mail.

  

1. How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo.

This one is a fan favourite, and I literally am a Scrub. You don't get an opportunity to really discover who you are all the time, unless you listen to early 2000's R&B/Pop.

Thanks for reading!

How To Review: Gossip Girl

Heeeeeeyyyy Allll, I am in a hyper mood right now so please deal with how ridiculously girly and non sensical this post will be!
But let me get the whole, "Sorry I keep skipping days thing" out. I'm finding it hard to find computer time these days so just bear with me. And keep on checking. A new post will come, I promise.

Ok so now for my favourite post of the week, my review on my one and only Gossip Girl.
Ahh, and once again not a fan of this week's episode.
If I was reviewing the second season every post would be, "Best episode ever!", but fourth season, not so much.

On last night's episode it took FIFTEEN MINUTES before Chuck Bass even showed his face. And they made it ever so suspenseful, hiding his face in the shadows.
Fortunately his first line was in response to Nate saying, "Single malt scotch, first thing in the morning?" and Chuck saying hilariously, "It takes the edge off the coke." So that was worth the wait, I think.

Other than that awesome entrance, I could tell the episode was going to bad news when Chuck agreed to go with the Reina character (Acck new characters please get off the show now) to  find her mom in freaking New Jersey.
Once Chuck crossed that Lincoln Tunnel I knew he would be in a storyline that I did not give a shit about.

The rest of the episode was Blair being stupid and getting Dan to stage a relationship with her so that her real relationship with the French Prince would be under wraps.
She was being so silly pretending to like Dan, when apparently Dan really likes Blair...and Serena... and Serena's cousin Charlie (Acck new characters please get off the show now).

You know who Dan doesn't like, Vanessa. He made it very clear this episode. However Dan's sooo judgemental of Vanessa telling on him (about the Blair kiss) to Serena, but has no issue with maybe sleeping with Serena's cousin or best friend.

Dan you remind me of this boy I was best friends with in grade three, Seamus (Pronounced Shamus. Name changed to protect identity).
Seamus was always my best friend until Rowan (Name also changed. Also I'm in a Keltic sort of mood.) showed the slightest of interest. Then it was like I didn't exist.
But all of a sudden by the next recess, you were hanging out with me again as if nothing happened. Damn you Seamus! And damn you Dan! And Vanessa we need to have an intervention.

Dear Vanessa,

You have wicked hair and was wearing a really interesting looking jacket on last night's episode. Not sure if I liked it. I think I did. I think I did.
Anyways, tell Dan Humphrey to fuck off. You live in NYC, you go to NYU, and you are pretty. Make new friends and leave him.
Besides, his new curly-que hairstyle is getting dangerously close to a Jerry-Curl/80's Brit Pop.
So to reiterate- Forget about Dan and I did like your coat.

P.S I know Dan's dad is married to Serena's mom but I feel like there was some definite chemistry between you two in the second season. I'm just saying, if you liked Dan... Hook it up!

Sincerely,
  Classic-Al

Oh and here's my little bitchy aside:
Blake Lively- you're gorgeous, in every scene you look like a super model, but OMFG girl please emote when you act. No matter what is happening to you in any situation you have the same breathy response. Just add one other emotion. Thanks.

And Nate, once again like I ask every week, just do something. Thanks.

And thanks for reading!! xoxo.

THIS, PLUS...

THIS, EQUALS...

THIS.