How To Do Posts Besides Gossip GIrl Reviews

Hey all I think I'm going to make another vow about doing my blog everyday because if I don't write everyday that means people don't visit my site everyday and then no one visits and then what's the point.

However I was looking at my blog stats (cause I'm vain) and my Bangladesh follower is back, YAY! Thanks you fine Bangladeshian I greatly appreciate the support.

So today the craziest thing ever happened with the seven year old that I take care of... No he didn't berate me, no he also didn't throw rocks at me for forty-five minutes.
What we did do was sit in silence while writing stories for half an hour.
I am literally speechless. This cites precedent, never in my four months of taking care of him have we ever thoughtfully sat nicely and quietly together. I am so grateful and also weary of what's to come on Monday because I feel that I may have hit my peak with him behaving well. I don't know how he can top it (but I definitely know how he can bottom it- telling me that he's going to tell his mom I hit him, this is what I deal with!).

So thank you crazy seven-year old for that beautiful behaviour; and thank all of you (especially those of Bangladesh viewers) for reading.

P.S I had cotton candy ice cream cake for the first time in my life today and I can feel the sugar pumping through my veins. Don't do it (but also, kind of do it).

It's the colour of a hallucination 

How To Babysit IV

So today was ok with the kid. Since last week was March break I hadn't seen him since Wednesday and he said that he forgot my name. That was sweet. He then asked if he could call me, "Random Citizen." I then told him, "Only if I can call you jerk seven-year old." He then got upset at me for swearing.

He had a friend come over for a little bit and these two kids could not stop talking about their private parts. It was weird. Every other word out of their mouths were, "Don't kick me in the private parts" or, "I'm gonna kick you in the private parts". It was really weird, and kind of funny how they would use both words, private parts, every time.
I asked them to stop talking like that because it really unsettled me, but this just caused them to scream it. I know you're thinking, "Use reverse psychology and then they'll stop", but I think it's equally unsettling to tell them that I like when they speak in that manner. Ewww, even just typing that gave me chills.

Anyways, in positive news I figured out how to cook something that the kid will actually eat.
This is my recipe for his favourite rice dish.

Chinesie Rice (He calls it that. I'm on the fence about it being racist or not. I guess it's not. Or is it? Is it racist for thinking that it's racist. I'm not racist. I swear!)

-Microwave for two mintues a bag of Uncle Ben's Minute rice (Now doesn't that sound so healthy, microwaving a soft plastic bag with pre-cooked rice in it. But of course if I were to make him normal rice he'd complain, believe me).
-Put a crap load of soy sauce in it.
-Put a crap load of oil in it.
-Put a touch of teriyaki sauce in it.
All done!
So he doesn't like it when I spend hours making homemade bolognese sauce or pizza, but he does like it when I microwave rice in a bag. It's like cooking for the royals!

Thanks for reading!

It kind of looks like this but it's pitch black from the amount of soy sauce. Mmm, enjoy!

How To Babysit:Part III

So I haven't babysat that much this week. The only thing I can remember right now is that I had a two hour pillow fight with the kid yesterday, which was actually really fun. Plus we both got out all of out residuale anger at eachother so the rest of the time it was smooth sailing.
As for crazy things said to me, there were a few. First off the kid's new favourite, "I'm going to tell my mom you punched me." I tell him if he tells his mother that, he's actually going to get punched and then some. I know it's not the best form of disciplining but he started it!

Also I've decided that The Family Channel has decent programming.
iCarly is hilarious, I am not being sarcastic. I would equate it with the humour if The Big Bang Theory, but instead of joking about sex, they joke about situations- hence situation comedy.
But now that I think about it iCarly is really the only one I like. The brother is amusing, Carly's got timing and her friend is a well written character. Yah that's right, I said.
Now that I think about it, I sort of also like Hannah Montanna, but I got to be in the mood for that one. And once again the brother is hilarious on that show.

But now that I think about it again, I don't think I would seek these kiddie shows out (except for Arthur, that D.W's got cahones), but it does make the whole watching t.v with the kid a more pleasant experience.
Plus the more mature shows I watch don't really have the highest of standards (Gossip Girl obvi, and Portlandia anyone?). So these kid's shows aren't that emabrassing to enjoy, right?

Well, thanks for reading!

Just as good as a real sitcom, no?

How To Babysit Part II

Hey all. So today is Tuesday which is now known as regurgitate whatever was said to me today by whomever I am babysitting day.
Today, I had the pleasure of taking care of a delightful three-year old boy. With my blog in the back of my mind, I felt like I was trying to hard to capture something that he said as either meaningful or funny so I gave up. That was until I was reading a Vanity Fair, which at the end of the magazine always has a Proust Questionnaire. The people asked these questions always seem so wise and learned so I was inspired and decided to ask the little guy classic Proust questions.

What book could you read over and over?

I'm gonna put on my shoes, I'm gonna put on my shoes, mmmmmmm Brown Brown Bear

What is the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?

Um I don't know. Puzzle pieces

If you could have any superpower what would it be?

Grape power. I can turn into a grape and eat myself.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

Here.

Piano Break Part One. The child needed a break from the questions so he began to play the piano. He performed an original song entitled "Baseball Great", which consisted of him banging on the piano and singing the lyrics, "Baseball great, baseballl great".

What is you're idea of a perfect date?

Uhhh have lots of friends over. Simon. Calla, We would play Diego.

Piano Break Part Two. He is now playing the piano singing, "One two three four, seven eight ten, seven eight ten, yeah!"

What hobby would you persue if you had more time?

Tired

What is your motto?

Mmmmmm, A, R, C. 

(Side note: A.R.C was his answer to most of the things I asked him that day. For example, "Do you like your muffin?" Response, "A.R.C". It may be a code, I'm not sure.)

Piano Break Part Three. His final improvised song was his most touching. Here is a sample of some of the lyrics, "The baby is fast asleep with the mother, the baby was asleep and the mother was awake and the sheep was awake with the mother".

Who do you admire the most?

Mama.

So Proust was right, you really can learn about a person's soul when asked these questions, regardless of age.

Thanks for reading!

This is not the little boy I took care of today, but he's quite similar.

How To Impress People

Hi all.
So today I was making dinner for the kid I take care of and his two friends (who are twins, it's weird). I usually really like making dinner because I feel very confident and creative in the kitchen.

Today, I accidentally forgot to pick up the store-bought garlic bread for the kiddies, so I decided to make it myself. I roasted the garlic in the oven, buttered the bread, then spread the softened garlic on the bread, sprinkled cheese and salt and put it in the oven for a couple of minutes. As it was all being prepared, in my mind I was all like, oh I'm so inventive, the kids will be surprised and delighted. Then I served the meal.
The kids looked at the bread and were like,
"You put cheese on it?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, that's garlic bread."
And they're like, "Cheese changes the whole taste of it."
And I'm like, "No it makes the taste of it."
Then one kid said, "I don't eat regular bread just garlic bread."
And I said, "This is garlic bread!"
And then he says, "No, store bought only."

This was all very upsetting to me. I mean I took time and effort into making this bread (which was left uneaten) and no one cared. I need to know, what does it take to impress these people? Blood, sweat and tears literally! It also makes me question my cooking abilities. The last three meals I cooked at the kid's house were not well received.

The reviews were as followed:
Pasta and bolognese sauce- "Um I just want butter on my pasta", "Me too", and "It would be good if it didn't have tomatoes or meat in it".
Pizza with homemade sauce and dough- "Um no offence, but you're pizza was disgusting and no one ate it".

But at the same time I can't take it too personally, because for dessert they had cotton candy ice cream which actually tastes what it would be like to be poisoned. Also one of the kids put so much salt on his pasta that it burned your tongue, but he ate it up.

I guess the lesson here is don't try. Next meal I'll make them will be a baguette cut open with butter and salt dumped on it. It's like being in a gourmet restaurant!

Thanks for reading!

I bet they'd eat this

How To Babysit

Hello. Day two. Blog-a-thon.

So yesterday afternoon I was watching, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yeah I'm not proud but it's always on so it’s inevitable. Anyways, like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am now taking care of a jerk seven year old. How do these two relate? 

Let me give you some back story on the kid I'm babysitting. He's seven. He verbally abuses me, calling me a moron, maniac, and on more then one occasion "woman," like the way a racist hill-billy would use it. He punches, kicks and threatens to punch me by holding his fist in a stationary manner in front of my face and then turns red. This fake-out punch is the strangest thing I have ever experienced especially because the kid cannot weigh more than thirty pounds. The kid also ignores me when he sees me, and throws his winter jacket and knapsack at me like I’m supposed to carry them like a sherpa. Needless to say, not pleasant. 

Now, let me give you some back story on what happened in “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. The clan travels to Las Vegas where Kourtney’s jerk boyfriend and unfortunate baby-daddy gets super drunk. Scott (the bf) begins to verbally abuse those around him, calling Kris Jenner a moron and the girl the Kardashian brother is seeing a “woman” in the hill-billy racist way. He then becomes violent (who doesn’t after a two-four of vodka) kicking the Kardashian brother (who even though he is by blood a Kardashian he just has no place on that show), punching him, and doing this weird fake-out punch to a waiter (Scott then stuffs a hundred dollar bill down the waiters throat). Worst than that, he ignores everyone around him like some sort of sociopathic baby.

Do you see a connection here? The only way I can survive the mean seven-year old is to treat him like a belligerent drunkard. So today when I go to his school to pick him up I will approach him with bouncers (two just in case) and ask him to step off the property. When he refuses such request, I will sit him down and tell him there is another way, handing him AA pamphlets. Hopefully reason at this point will influence the kid’s decision and we’ll be able to walk through the twelve steps as easily as our walk home from school. 

So when going to T.V for guidance in child-care, skip “Super Nanny” and watch the Kardashian family for insight on how seven-year olds actually are. Reality T.V has never been so real.

              

           Look to this guy to deal 
                with this little guy