How To Be Serious

So since I've taken up studying comedy and doing improv every day (it feels like, not true. But then again isn't everything improv? Right now me typing these words is in fact improvisational. I feel like I am taking you-the reader, along for a journey of what the hell will she say next... you don't know and it scares you...Improv!), I feel that I don't do enough genuinely serious tasks in my life.

So last week I decided to see a serious documentary in the Hot Docs Film Festival, entitled  You've Been Trumped.
Ironically the movie's title kept confusing my friend and I who went to see it. Every time the title was spoken to us we kept thinking we in fact had been fooled and the show was sold out (it happened three times. It's a confusing title!).

Anyways, the movie (talkie) was about the bully that it Donald Trump. Mr. Trump wants to and is currently building a giant golf course on one of the world's last dune eco-systems. Also people live there. People full out live there and Trump's all, "The houses on this property are disgusting slums, these people are a shame to Scotland".
Dickish, yes, but I feel that the people of this land should not take his slander too personally; because whether you are an eighty-three year old Scottish farmer or President of the United States, Trump will speak this way to you. Therefore one does not have to feel it is a personal attack (unless he destroys your house and the land you live on, then I guess take it personally).

The worst part of the film is how unapologetic Trump is in his actions towards the townspeople. He even had a television special on GolfTV, proudly voicing his opinions on how ugly one man's home was and that the parking lot of his giant hotel is a much better option.

After all this seriousness I think I'm going to write a sketch about this movie. It has funny potential. Hence why I can't be serious longer than ninety minutes. But I'm trying, I'm trying.

Thanks for reading!

It's a very serious trailer

How To Review: Gossip Girl

So my blog has become a Gossip Girl review site because it seems to be the only time I write. But in my defence this week's episode was so good, I can't even call this show a guilty pleasure anymore. Just a pleasure pleasure (Like Justin Timberlake).

However before I continue with my review I have to let you all know that for the past three weeks every time I sit down to watch Gossip Girl the centipede that lives in my basement comes out. I assume to watch the show. He's a little late in the season but is quite the dedicated viewer. As a viewing companion he adds external tension to the show by scaring the shit out of me. The fear this creature instills in me really forces me to only stare at the t.v and become truly enraptured in whatever storyline is unfolding (unless it has to do with Nate or Serena's brother, only a hypnotist could do that).

The reason I believe this to be one of the better episodes is that Chuck was all up in this episode. I'm trying not to be biased but Chuck centred episodes are better, just because ok!

Plus Chuck's hilarious Uncle Jack(Desmond Harrington, Dexter's Joey Quinn) came back to mess with him. Uncle Jack is the man! His sole purpose for being on the show is to fuck up Chuck's life. It's great.
He also had the best line of the night with,
"I'm starving and all you have in your fridge (Chuck's) is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms"
The best part of the line was the placement of it in the scene. While the Thorpe character was literally begging for his life, Uncle Jack kept interrupting with how hungry he was. It sounds psychopathic but it was quirky and dare I say intentionally funny.

Last night's episode was the Gossip Girl I have been missing. The legitimately funny, well casted Gossip Girl. It felt like second season all over again with Blair not wanting and wanting Chuck. Plus history was made where Chuck slightly smiled.

And in a slightly interesting turn of events Serena's storyline with her useless cousin has gone all Single White Female.
Though this is a new idea for the show (not in general, in fact the exact same storyline happened with the Annie character in 90210) (Btw, I don't watch that show...anymore...often) it has the old habit of Dan dating the crazy girl.
So now Dan's dating the cousin who wants to kill Serena, where before he dated the ex-best friend (Georgina) who wanted to kill Serena, and had a little hiatus dating his best friend Vanessa who hates/thinks Serena is soulless.
Dan you have a pattern, acknowledge it and move on (to killing Serena).

Next week is the season finale (oh sad!) and I will be posting a video blog!(A vlog if you will.)
So stay tuned and I promise I'll try not to mention Gossip Girl until September..ish, June why don't we just say June.

I want to be in the Bass family, look at how they have normal conversations!

How To Do Posts Besides Gossip GIrl Reviews

Hey all I think I'm going to make another vow about doing my blog everyday because if I don't write everyday that means people don't visit my site everyday and then no one visits and then what's the point.

However I was looking at my blog stats (cause I'm vain) and my Bangladesh follower is back, YAY! Thanks you fine Bangladeshian I greatly appreciate the support.

So today the craziest thing ever happened with the seven year old that I take care of... No he didn't berate me, no he also didn't throw rocks at me for forty-five minutes.
What we did do was sit in silence while writing stories for half an hour.
I am literally speechless. This cites precedent, never in my four months of taking care of him have we ever thoughtfully sat nicely and quietly together. I am so grateful and also weary of what's to come on Monday because I feel that I may have hit my peak with him behaving well. I don't know how he can top it (but I definitely know how he can bottom it- telling me that he's going to tell his mom I hit him, this is what I deal with!).

So thank you crazy seven-year old for that beautiful behaviour; and thank all of you (especially those of Bangladesh viewers) for reading.

P.S I had cotton candy ice cream cake for the first time in my life today and I can feel the sugar pumping through my veins. Don't do it (but also, kind of do it).

It's the colour of a hallucination 

How To Review: Gossip Girl

Hey all. So last night's episode was a doozy. (Side note: While trying to figure out what date the season finale of Gossip Girl is on I stumbled on many, many other GG reviews. It was unsettling. But mine are better, right? RIGHT?)

Anyhow I watched the fist half of the episode with my mother, who, after twenty minutes said,
"This is just a soap opera with barbie dolls" and left.
However in Gossip Girl's defence my mom thinks everything on television (with the exception of the dearly departed Larry King Live) is a soap opera. She once called The Larry Sanders Show a soap opera. So I'm beginning to think that television shows with plots in her mind qualify as soap operas.

But at the same time I definitely understand where she's coming from, the first half of the episode sucked. It had weird lighting, was musicless, and Serena and Nate acted in it.
However the second half was ridic!
(Personal note: Vanessa stop reading. I give away everything that's Chuck related. But don't worry no mention of any other storyline, because, well I just don't care.)

First of all Chuck had a beard and was literally drunk the entire episode! It was magical .
Sadly he shaved the fuzz when he went to go fight for Blair. Unfortunately whilst he was shaving he forgot to get sober and just pissed Blair right off.
He also tried to rape Blair in the last two minutes of the show. It was intense, and a classic Chuck move. The attempted-rape count for this character has now reached three.
Man alive Chuck, I love you, you know I do, but rape is never the answer, no matter what.

Now Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco and Chuck seems suicidal.
There are just two episodes left, how will Chuck and Blair get back together? (It's like a math problem for sad single girls)
Well from my many hours of marathoning Gossip Girl I think I know exactly how it will go down.

Classic-Al's Estimation of How the Last Two Minutes of The Gossip Girl Season Four Finale Will Go Down

Setting: 
The entire episode is going to try really hard to make you believe that Blair is married to the Prince and moving to Paris.
It's also going to try to make you think that Chuck is either: dead, slutting it up, or that he hates Blair.

Then in the last two minutes this song will come on (please play simultaneously with the below dialogue)

Blair will run to find Chuck (because Chuck doesn't come to you, you go to Chuck) who is about to get on his private jet.

BLAIR: Chuck! (in a high pitched voice about to crack from sadness)

CHUCK: Blair? (In the raspy whisper of a scotch drinking jaguar)

BLAIR: Where are you going?

CHUCK: To my private country, Chuckatoria Bassland. I thought you married the prince?

BLAIR: I couldn't do it. Your Chuck Bass and I love you.

CHUCK: I am Chuck Bass, and I l..lo...l.. I can't say it.

BLAIR: I left royalty for you! Just say it dammit!

CHUCK: I love you.

Then this song will play

So just two more weeks until the finale!!!
And just two more Gossip Girl Reviews, which are you sadder about?
Thanks for reading!

Al's Views 12

OMG I have not written an Al's Views in weeks. Well first off, I have many views, I'm just too scattered to put them all down.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Uh-oh this is going to be an Al's Views about the election tomorrow", well no it's not because I don't know who to vote for and do you remember that show Uh-Oh? Best YTV show by far.
Now when I think back on that show it seems to me to be an excuse to just humiliate and beat young children. Every challenge was disgusting and painful looking, but the kids were really into it.

I am sure when that show was being pitched to YTV there must have been one person in that room saying,    

"Now wait a minute guys; we're going to go to schools, get groups of children to do painful and degrading acts, not pay them and the children will literally be begging to go on this show. I don't know about this."

Well all I can say is that guy must have been fired because the kids in my class were suicidal about getting on that show. I remember the grade ahead of mine got to be audience members and the anger that was had in my class that day.

But like I have said time and time again, kids are nuts. There used to be a game that let you make your own candy that was shaped like insects. My friend had it. It was disgusting, but boy was I jealous.

Now kids are all hopped up on Wii and Net Flix and iPad.
I miss the simpler times of The Game of Life and watching your friend on Uh-Oh getting just destroyed by a bowl of spaghetti in grape jelly.

Thanks for reading!

I really wanted the t-shirt version of this. Badly!

How To Write One Hundred Posts!

Say word, this is my one hundredth post. This is very exciting for me. I don't think I've ever stuck with anything for one hundred times...Now I'm sad.
Anyways, to celebrate this momentous occasion I will do a top ten list of my favourite posts from the past six months.

10. E-Huh? How To Survive A Flight With A Stop-over.
My very first post. The one that started it all. The whole reason why I started this blog was because my sister had gotten a job with the website e-how.com. She told me I should write a "How To" article, and get paid. This post was what I wrote. Samantha then informed me that the website would never accept this as a legitimate how to. Then her friend Stephanie told me I should write a blog instead for no money, and the rest is history.

9. How To Keep Up With A Blog.
I like this one because it was the first time I admitted that I never keep up with my blog. The best part about this post was I then did not write another post until more than a month later.

8. Al's Views.
Ah, the original Al's Views. This one's a goody because I delved into the psyche of being a child. Most of it was little violent episodes. Hmm, this worries me.

7. How To Be Lazy.
I like this one because it really fleshes out the theme of this entire blog. A blog about "How To Do...Something", but I have not actually researched or tried to attempt anything.

6. How To Babysit.
This is the first time that I ever mentioned the kid I babysit for. He takes up an annoyingly large part of my life for only seeing him for two to three hours a day.
Update: Yesterday he indirectly called me a nag.

5. How To Host A Talk Show.
This was a good idea, I really should get on this one.

4. How To Review: Gossip Girl.
The first of many to come. I like this one because it's mostly dedicated to my man Chuck Bass. Plus I posted a video of him just saying his name for four minutes. One day I'm going to write a post on "How To Get Over Chuck Bass", but I don't see that happening anytime soon, because yesterday I found this video on YouTube.

HOW CUTE IS HE?!

3. How To Be Quiet.

I like this post because it explores something that confounds me, quiet people. I should write my PhD on this subject...if I hadn't wasted my prime school years going to Theatre School, but I could still go university, I hope.

2. How To Form An Opinion.

I like this one because apparently it's controversial. I'm not a Scientologist, but the term has been coined is that I am a "Scientologist Sympathizer". Either way, the post was actually about me not wanting the Scientology centre to send me mail anymore...Ok! Just stop sending me mail.

  

1. How To Request; Would You Rather: A Scrub Or A Bug-a-boo.

This one is a fan favourite, and I literally am a Scrub. You don't get an opportunity to really discover who you are all the time, unless you listen to early 2000's R&B/Pop.

Thanks for reading!

How To Review: Gossip Girl

Heeeeeeyyyy Allll, I am in a hyper mood right now so please deal with how ridiculously girly and non sensical this post will be!
But let me get the whole, "Sorry I keep skipping days thing" out. I'm finding it hard to find computer time these days so just bear with me. And keep on checking. A new post will come, I promise.

Ok so now for my favourite post of the week, my review on my one and only Gossip Girl.
Ahh, and once again not a fan of this week's episode.
If I was reviewing the second season every post would be, "Best episode ever!", but fourth season, not so much.

On last night's episode it took FIFTEEN MINUTES before Chuck Bass even showed his face. And they made it ever so suspenseful, hiding his face in the shadows.
Fortunately his first line was in response to Nate saying, "Single malt scotch, first thing in the morning?" and Chuck saying hilariously, "It takes the edge off the coke." So that was worth the wait, I think.

Other than that awesome entrance, I could tell the episode was going to bad news when Chuck agreed to go with the Reina character (Acck new characters please get off the show now) to  find her mom in freaking New Jersey.
Once Chuck crossed that Lincoln Tunnel I knew he would be in a storyline that I did not give a shit about.

The rest of the episode was Blair being stupid and getting Dan to stage a relationship with her so that her real relationship with the French Prince would be under wraps.
She was being so silly pretending to like Dan, when apparently Dan really likes Blair...and Serena... and Serena's cousin Charlie (Acck new characters please get off the show now).

You know who Dan doesn't like, Vanessa. He made it very clear this episode. However Dan's sooo judgemental of Vanessa telling on him (about the Blair kiss) to Serena, but has no issue with maybe sleeping with Serena's cousin or best friend.

Dan you remind me of this boy I was best friends with in grade three, Seamus (Pronounced Shamus. Name changed to protect identity).
Seamus was always my best friend until Rowan (Name also changed. Also I'm in a Keltic sort of mood.) showed the slightest of interest. Then it was like I didn't exist.
But all of a sudden by the next recess, you were hanging out with me again as if nothing happened. Damn you Seamus! And damn you Dan! And Vanessa we need to have an intervention.

Dear Vanessa,

You have wicked hair and was wearing a really interesting looking jacket on last night's episode. Not sure if I liked it. I think I did. I think I did.
Anyways, tell Dan Humphrey to fuck off. You live in NYC, you go to NYU, and you are pretty. Make new friends and leave him.
Besides, his new curly-que hairstyle is getting dangerously close to a Jerry-Curl/80's Brit Pop.
So to reiterate- Forget about Dan and I did like your coat.

P.S I know Dan's dad is married to Serena's mom but I feel like there was some definite chemistry between you two in the second season. I'm just saying, if you liked Dan... Hook it up!

Sincerely,
  Classic-Al

Oh and here's my little bitchy aside:
Blake Lively- you're gorgeous, in every scene you look like a super model, but OMFG girl please emote when you act. No matter what is happening to you in any situation you have the same breathy response. Just add one other emotion. Thanks.

And Nate, once again like I ask every week, just do something. Thanks.

And thanks for reading!! xoxo.

THIS, PLUS...

THIS, EQUALS...

THIS.

How To Not Go To Church

My mom is guilting me to go to church, woah I just have to stop myself right there and realize this has been a very religious centred week blog-wise. 

Like always, I blame society. Easter marketing has gotten out of control. I feel like no other year the ads have been this intense. Every two seconds there's a commercial about the Easter Bunny, and the comics in The Toronto Star all week have been Easterly (Yes I only read two things in the paper, the entertainment section and the comics. What's happening in Libya? I don't know. Is Benicio Del Toro the baby daddy to Rod Stewarts grand-baby? Yes!!). 

Plus there's that cartoon out, Hop, that has DA BEST Russell Brand in it. 

I love Russell Brand, which is apparently not a common belief. He's so delightfully British and I enjoy when he says that without fame his tight pants and big hair would be viewed as mental illness. And Arthur was so funny. I say yes, support Russell Brand. The boys in my improv troupe are either jealous or stupid. Fine they're not stupid, they're very, very nice. I just think everyone should read his books and be amazed by the fact that he is alive and healthy looking after all that heroin.   

Anyways, I don't want to go to church. Wah! But the guilt I will be put through will be too much to handle. The reason why I don't like church is because I feel I haven't progressed from the age of four. I get all fidgety and I just cannot pay attention to anything. Oh shoot I'll probably have to go. Oh man!

Happy Easter. Thanks for reading.

He's funny

How To... Damn I Did It Again!

So I was all like, "Oh sorry I took a week off so sorry never forget to post again", and I did. Oops . If I had a nickel for every time I claimed I was going to always write and then forget to write I'd have twenty cents. Which would be the most I have ever been paid for my writing. Does someone want to pay me? Wait, no I will  not be needy. Besides I have a job where I get abused by a seven year old.

Ok so I have just been interrupted by my sister claiming that I should remove the sentence in my previous post that said,
 "I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist." 
Because people will think that I am a Scientologist because people only half-read on the internet. 
I AM NOT A SCIENTOLOGIST, ok Sam!! 
But I guess if people are only half reading then they will not have gotten to this point in the post so it's a moo point (A cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. Love you Joey Tribianni).


Besides the whole point of me writing that post was that I had spent time at the Scientology centre because they offered a program called the Purification Rundown. I did not want to be one of those people who defames Scientology without actually meeting and talking with people who are Scientologists. I'm not just writing stuff to get  my opinion across, I'm writing stuff because they happened to me and I'm apparently not talented enough to write about imaginary things. 
I really dislike when people are on their high horse about certain religions, beliefs, without actually experiencing or at the very least studying the issue (and not by reading Paul Haggis' article).


Besides, the creators of South Park wrote an entire musical on Mormonism and no one is calling them Mormons, Sam!


I never studied the works of L.Ron Hubbard. Quite frankly I'm not a religious person, so if thousands of years of Catholicism has not permeated my beliefs, some guy in a desert sixty years ago, isn't going to get me all excited about the notion.

So to reiterate, I am not a Scientologist, and can someone pay me.

Thanks for reading.

My opinion matters too!

How To Form An Opinion

Today is anything goes Wednesday (the only day I seem to truly adhere to in my self-imposed rules), I like it because I can write anything. I feel free on Wednesdays. When most people feel shackled  by their mid-week obligations (work, school etc) I sit on my computer and muse about what has just occurred to me.

Like right now the mail just came, and I got a letter from The Church of Scientology. Now some of you may be thinking, "Junk mail", but no. My shameful/not at all shamed secret is...
I used to technically, sort of, kind of, a little bit, just a smidge, a scotch, a teensy weensy bit of a Scientologist.

Ok now here's the back story; I got a serious allergic reaction to antibiotics (because my immune system is a dandelion) and the Scientology centre had a program where you can go and sweat out toxins.
Look I'm not going to get into details but it helped. However it was truly the craziest experience I have ever lived through.
I met Chernobyl survivors, born-again Christians who were now born-again Scientologists, ex-cocaine addicts (the detox helped so much that the cartilage in his nose regenerated) and a thirteen year old kid who was a part of something called The Sea Org. Now this is where Scientology gets CARAZAY!!!

So L. Ron Hubbard believes that if children make up their mind about what they want to be when they grow up, they can be it. It does not matter the age.
So by his logic I would now be a bat. Yes when I was a kid I sincerely wanted to be a bat when I grew up (I don't know why, but I thought it was a possibility. Where did you think bats came from?).
So basically if a kid decides at five-years old he wants to be a life long Scientologist, bam, he could be one literally forever.
You actually become indebted to Scientology because they pay for everything for you; food, housing, clothes, etc. However here's the evil catch, let's say at sixteen you want to leave because maybe you've lost your faith, you have to pay Scientology back all the money they have spent on you. Plus they make sure it's really hard for you to leave because they make you live on a ship.

Scary, yes. Are they making a child army like Paul Haggis suggests, I don't think so.

Here's where my post is going to get a little bit controversial. All religions have a CARAZAY side to them. Maybe not in the financial sense of Scientology, but religions from the beginning of time have used children to get their message across.
And it's not like Scientology is recruiting these children. Most of them have parents or family members that are devout Scientologists (that or they were serious drug addicts who Scientology has put through their version or rehab).
So think about it, if you are a religious person chances are it is because of your parents are religious. And the people who turn to Scientology are people who were destined to turn to some sort of organization.
If it wasn't Scientology then maybe it would be Mormonism, Christianity or Fruitarianism (but those Fruitarians are fucking nuts!).

But it is very good that Paul Haggis is speaking out about the injustices. But once upon a time, he too needed something to believe in and Scientology was there for him. Would he have won an oscar without them? Not that the ends justify the means (like at all!). But it makes you think where would he be career wise without them?
Hey man those Scientologists hold clout. When I was doing the detox I had a chance to meet John Travolta (but I didn't and regret it ok. I love you Danny Zuko!).

So one can't really grind their teeth and curse L.Ron because then they got to do it to everyone (I'm talking to you Buddha, I know behind that chillaxical exterior there's a bunch of children on a boat somewhere mopping decks for you!).

However my true belief is Scientology is SO NOT a religion. It's a theory, a philosophy if you will.
But that's besides the point because the people who chose to worship at the feet of L. Ron, just have the need to worship at the feet of something or someone.

But back to the mail. Scientology STOP SENDING ME MAIL!!!@!!!!WEBQKE F@BF JBA CJWGW
It's a damn waste of paper, plastic, DVDs and my sanity.

Thanks for reading.

Hi my name is Alessandra Vite, I used to be a human being. So basically believe in your dreams!

How To Be Back Baby!!

I took a week off. It won't happen again...anytime soon.

Alls I knows is break's over, I wanna write my review on the newest episode of Gossip Girl!
That's right, after two months it is finally back on the air.
I was so freaking excited for this episode because it  promised Blair and Chuck drama (or Chair as someone has coined their relationship name. Ha, Chair. I feel like no matter who I date I will never be able to have a cool combined nick-name like that. What combines with Alessandra? What if I date a guy named Felix... Felissandra? Terrible, it sounds like someone is feeling the name Alessandra).

Anyways the episode totally disappointed.
Now I don't want to be the kind of person that is all self righteous about how a T.V show's plot line should go according to my personal beliefs. I hate that shit.
Seeing reviews on movies and T.V shows always gets me down because most of the time I disagree with the reviewer (DAMN YOU OUZOUNIAN!) And people are so petty. But I have my reasons why I didn't like this episode and they aren't petty.

Well actually, why don't I get the petty issues out of the way.
Ummm, Chuck was in the episode for like ten minutes. As Tim Gunn says, "This worries me." I keep reading articles that Ed Westwick is wanting out of the show, same with Blake Lively.
Plus they keep adding new characters, like Serena's useless cousin, and when they start adding characters that's when the good actors start leaving.
Example: The O.C. All of a sudden out of nowhere Marissa has a younger sister. Then bam, Marissa dies.
Example: The Fresh Prince of Bel-air. All of a sudden cousin Nicky is born and bam, a year later the Fresh Prince dies! (Or ends after six seasons, same difference.)

I'm starting to realize that I only like GG because of Chuck and occasionally Blair. I just want Gossip Girl to end in a nice way, not go down the Grey's Anatomy path.

Anyways now the actual episode. Nothing really happened except setting up that Serena has a poor cousin (Oh no, not poor!). So she buys her clothes and turns her against her mother within two hours of meeting.
Serena, you're acting crazy but because you have nice hair everyone's on your side.

Blair realized she wanted to be with Chuck not Dan. But Chuck was all intense and rude (classic Chuck) so Blair called him a child (that was very good) and Dan was all, "Oh the kiss didn't mean anything to me, unless it meant something to you Blair?...Oh it didn't. I guess I'll pine after Serena again. Vanessa? Why do you still exist?"

Then at the very end of the episode Blair's Parisian fling (who's an actual prince) comes to New York to marry her (he had her high heel shoe that she left for him and everything!).

Oh and there's some storyline with Nate, but... I just don't care. Nate be interesting!

So now I have to watch next weeks episode, obvi. Or I could just watch the coming attractions because those "Next Week on Gossip Girl", promos are very exciting.

But just like Gossip Girl, I'm back so thanks for reading. Next time when I take a break, I'll let you know. All nine of you. But you nine are the best!

How suspenseful!

How To Name A Book

So I often think of titles for books in my head that I will never write.
Every time I hear a good line or a deep song title I think that could be the name for my memoir.
Here is a list of titles of memoirs I will probably never write...or will I?

Don't Cry Out Loud: The Alessandra Vite Story
-I thought of this one a long time ago. I also have names for the beginning of each chapter.
Chapter 1: Just Keep It Inside
Chapter 2: Learn How To Hide Your Feelings
Chapter 10: Fly High And Proud
Final Chapter: And If You Should Fall, Remember You Almost Made It


But Where Did The Ham Come From? Rants From An Over The Hill Babysitter
-I came up with this one today after the kid I took care of had a piece of ham in his pocket.


Send In The Clowns: Alessandra Vite,  Love Story
-Send In The Clowns has been a long time theme in my life. I don't feel like explaining it now, OK!

Stick A Fork In It I'm Done!

And now I'm done.

Thanks for reading!

And this will be the cover of EVERY SINGLE book I'll write

How To Decide: Would You Rather.. Again?

So I have just been asked the question would you kill a completely innocent man if you knew his death would end world hunger?
I guess so. But would I get charged with murder? How guilty would I feel because I killed someone? Now I feel guilty because my feelings are more important than starving children. FINE I'll kill him. Jesus.

Second question I was asked was; would you rather live the life you have now as is, or, choose to live for twenty-five years starting now, knowing that every minute of everyday of that life will be lived in extreme happiness?
Well, I'd take the twenty-five happiness filled years, but then again is my life so sad that I don't wanna live it out?
Well I guess if I combined the two questions together I could solve world hunger and be happy for twenty-five years. Alright would you rather, defeated!

What would you rather?

Thanks for reading.

Twenty-five years of this, say word!

Al's Views 11

Oh my god I was almost about to go to sleep when I realized I was going to miss out writing Al's Views!

I was lying in my bed trying to sleep because I'm tired (obvi) but the image of Rufus Wainwright slowly walking across a stage silently, in a giant, glittery cape kept flashing through my mind.
Now I know you're all thinking, "Whaa?", but there's a backstory.

A few months ago I saw Rufus Wainwright in concert with my friends Tanya and Kat. Tanya had never been to a concert before in her life.
I, having been to many concerts, acting like a veteren kept saying, "Oh concerts are the best, they're not like theatre. You can drink, arrive late. Anything goes at a concert".
Well anything did not go. We get there with two minutes to spare and there are two large signs saying, "Latecomers will not be allowed in", and "No food or drink inside".
I turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually is".

Then when we get inside, someone comes on stage explaining that the first half of the concert will be a song cycle where the audience is forbidden to clap.
I then turned to Tanya and was like, "This is not how a concert usually goes. And it was definitely not how a concert usually went.

Rufus comes on stage in dead silence with a twenty-foot cape trailing behind him. And the cape glittered (in case you didn't know RW is gay, the cape subtly let you know).
He walked to the piano for at least four minutes, but by thirty seconds I was punching my leg in order to stop myself from bursting into laughter. I eventually laughed into my purse. It was just so uncomfortably strange.
The song cycle then commenced where not a single word was audible and some songs were in French. So basically if one was supposed to get the story of the cycle, it wasn't happening.
The only song you could make out the words to, was one where he kept saying, "Martha pick up the phone, Maaaaarrrrrttttha, pick up the phone".
His sister's name is Martha and I guess she isn't good at answering her cell.
Plus there was a projection behind him of a single eye in black make-up slowly opening and closing. Then there was the same black eye, but  multiples of it, various sizes all over the screen. It was two parts unpleasent with a sprig of ridiculously boring. 

Then the second half of the concert was a regular music concert with applause and everything. I just have to take Tanya to a regular concert where we can drink, applaud, laugh and enjoy ourselves.

But now as I try to get to sleep, Rufus is ever so slowly walking across my mind's eye.

This must be the rehearsal cape, cause the one I saw sparkled.

And this was the eye.

How To Be Clumsy

I'm clumsy. It's not even an opinion, it's a fact. I think it has to do with my constant need to touch things and not care about how I handle them.

Example: There was a time from age 8 to 15 where every time I would touch something in my friends room I'd break it. I don't know how, it was inevitable. The only reason why things don't break now is because I consciously do not touch anything.

You should see how I cook. I'm a good cook, but people are physically scared to be near me. When I cut garlic I had a friend close her eyes. It's why I believe I won't be hired at a restaurant (right? But how do they know from just my resume?).

Tonight after work I came home after a day of carrying a twenty pound baby and my clumsiness is unstoppable.
I can barely type and in ten minutes I have dropped- my bike key, a pen four times, my cell phone (this happens daily so doesn't really count), my date book, and my will to live.

I think I'll stop typing before the computer ends up in two pieces.

Thanks for reading!

Play this

With this on mute

How To Cry

I was looking at my blog statistics and they are as confusing as they do suck.
The stats tell me I've only had one page view in the past week, thirteen in the month overall, and I lost my follower from Bangladesh! What gives? I love the Bangladeshian people.
They come from a sovereign state in South Asia. It's also the eighth most populous country in the world. Not one person out of the entire densely populated nation can spend his or her time reading my little blog?! What changed? Do you not like Chuck Bass?

I know it's not classy to complain but I'm complaining. Besides no one is reading so I can write anything I want fence warmer.
Well with this welcoming and entertaining post I assume everyone's going to get on the
Classic-Al/Amazing Bastard's bandwagon, right?

Whenever I get down on myself I think of all the positives in my life. I have a computer. I have a blog (oh wait these are the negatives I can't do nothin' right!).

Just tell people about the blog or I'll threaten you with another post like this.
And Belgium, I like your people too, so I think you'd like my blog.
It's better than a Prime Minister's address from Yves Leterme, am I right?(That ought to get me at least half a Belgian and or a Beligian enthusiast).
Thanks for reading.

"Love me, love me!" Classic Yves, am I right?

How To...OMG Amazing

So I was wasting time before I had to go somewhere and I stumbled upon the GREATEST website ever. It's the Wu-Tang Name Generator. All you do is enter your name and it tells you what your
Wu-Tang Clan name would be.
So my names are:
Alessandra- Mighty Warrior (meh)
Alessandra Vite- Amazing Bastard (OMG BEST NAME EVER!)
Classic-Al- Wacko Beggar (Apt, I think).

Then I started putting in my family's names because I was having too much fun.
Their names are:
Samantha Vite- Wicked Beggar (Biter!)
Vanessa Vite- Amateur Prophet (I'm jealous)
Marcello Vite- Phantom Watcher (This frightens me)
Mary Vite- Smilin' Commander (Positive, I like)

Turns out this is how Donald Glover, actor on Community now legit-ish rapper got his rap name, Childish Gambino (THIS is an example of how funny he is).
I really should have consulted this website before I named my blog.
Have as much fun with this as I have!
Peace out!
-Wacko Beggar (AKA Amazing Bastard)

Childish Gambino!

How To Make It Up

I don't feel like writing, so instead everything I type is a song.
Making it musical, won't make the task seem so long.

I like my blog, but sometimes I hate my computer.
Oh my god, how am I supposed to rhyme with computer?

If I had my way, I could think about it and my blog would be posted,
I have to eat dinner, I hope the bread is toasted.

Na na na na na na, na na na na na.

I'm gonna get some socks on, because my feet are cold.
I thought it was springtime, but Toronto weather is making me bold.

I have a day off tomorrow, I'll probably just chill.
That's because when I work I don't get paid in bill....s.

Na na na na na na na, na na na na na.

Thanks for reading my inner thoughts,
You guys are cool like astronauts!

Na na na na na na. Na na na na NA!!

Pretend this is me singing, na na na na na.

How To Count

I'm sleepy. I've been out since 10 AM, it's now 11 PM, so that's a big day for me.
Since I wrote such a long post yesterday and included a full episode of The Cosby Show, I'll leave you with this:
Tonight I was in an improv class where the word whore was used nine times in different ways and in different scenes. I've  written about this in the past, but apparently it is now an epidemic.
Just quit it ok, it's not that funny (except this one guy was playing a dinosaur in a scene and said, "I once dated a velociraptor, she was a whore", that was funny. But he was an extremely skilled improvisor who said many other funny lines).
Rambling on about your "whore mother", not so funny.
Why this word bothers me, not so sure. Maybe because it is specifically made to make women's sexual choices wrong and shameful.
Plus what the hell am I supposed to do in a scene when someone calls me a whore? Where does that scene go? Tell me, because I have to deal with this often.
Anyways, sorry for being such a downer, but made you think, ehhh!

Thanks for reading!

This was the first image that came up when I googled "whore", it's apt I think.

Al's Views 10

Hey all. I woke up this morning at 7:30 AM, to do a workout at 8 AM. I have joined my sister's personal trainer friend's Spring Workout Group (I was invited to do so on Facebook).

I was very excited and terrified to workout that early on a Sunday, but I have worked out earlier (not to brag or anything).
Once when I was desperately trying to get a part-time job in mid-November (turns out I'm unhirable, who knew? Well the entire retail workforce did, but that's besides the point), I got a job interivew at Lululemon.
The happy, perky, tall girls of Lululemon informed me that the interview would be in two parts. The first part would be a hour long spinning class. The second part would be the actual interview. Oh and by the by, the class starts at 6:30 AM so then you can get your workout out of the way first thing, isn't that clever?
This job interview combined the two things I truly hate: job interviews and being judged while exercising.
Needless to say I went, at 6:30 in the morning (technically 6:15 because you had to sign up for the class before hand), and did a hour long spinning class.
Oh, and I didn't get the job. I blame my height. The two girls interviewing me were impossibly tall.

So an eight AM workout didn't seem too daunting.
However the night before I went to bed with a full tummy. This is a no-no for me usually just out of principle but last night I discovered that it's a practical rule too.
If you are anything like me you watched The Cosby Show growing up (Sidenote: His name on the show is Cliff Huxtable. Why is it called The Cosby Show, it should be called, The Huxtable Show!). There was one episode that really stayed with me, and that was the one where Cliff ate junk food before going to bed and he had nightmares all night.
Well whoever wrote that episode is writing it based on fact. I had crazy nightmares all night long. One of them included me owning a bull dog that moved in slow motion yet still killed my cat and repeatedly bit me. I could feel the bites!
Another dream had my legs feel super heavy and I couldn't move away from the gathering darkness, it was spooky!

But I still woke up, did the workout and vowed to never eat before bed.
Thanks for reading.

Now please enjoy the entire episode of "Cliff's Nightmare"